An Open Letter to The Aliens

There's been a whole lot of alien talk on the internet lately. A whole bunch of wildly unsatisfying alien talk disguised as something interesting. The fact that we have these Air Force dudes giving first-ish hand accounts is sort of something. There's definitely something fishy going on, and there are 100% aliens out there. But we've learned nothing we didn't think was happening already.

But just case we are on the verge of being invaded by some non-human biologics, I wanted to write an open letter to the aliens to try and get ahead of the situation. This isn't an original idea or anything. I've seen a lot of internet people addressing the aliens, trying to get ahead of any potential alien invasion situation. So if there is anyone out there in another universe browsing the blogs of Barstool Sports, here's my pitch to them.

Dear Alien(s),

My name is John Rich and I work for Barstool Sports. We're a smut website with the word sports in our name. We use the word sports because it helps our readers pretend they're not just reading TMZ, and it makes them feel better about the online content they consume.

Do you have YouTube in space? If so, you might recognize the names Dave Portnoy, Josh Richards, and Brianna Chickenfry from the show BFF's. BFF's stands for 'Best Friends Forever', but they use it in an ironic way. They're not really best friends. However, if you're looking for a real best friend here on earth, I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

If you're coming to earth, I'm sure you'll be coming to America. As a true American, I can't imagine you would want to go anywhere else. So I wanted to let you know a few things about this country to help you better acclimate when you finally decide to take the plunge and fully reveal yourselves to us.

First off, in case you don't know, here is what a typical regular-sized American human looks like.

MediaPunch. Shutterstock Images.

Plants are technically living too, but don't worry about them. Nobody cares about plants. We're trying to get rid of them anyways. Humans are the ones you need to worry about.

I don't know if you have different genders in space, but here we don't. We used to, but that was many months ago. I mean, we still do I guess. It's just probably safest that you refer to everyone as "human" to avoid being promptly cancelled and launched back into another galaxy. Unless you run into this human wearing a dog costume. You have to call him "dog" I think.

There's something called football here that you're going to want to familiarize yourself with. It's played with an oblong brown leather ball with white laces, and it's the most important thing in the world. Some people will argue with you on that, but if anybody gives you guff, or god forbid mentions soccer, aggressively recite the Pledge of Allegiance at them until they agree with you. 

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Next, if you see someone wearing a hat that looks something like this, do not engage. 

Jason Kempin. Getty Images.

The "cowboy hat" marks a man who believes he's living in an era know as "The Old West", and he will undoubtedly pull 2 old timey pistols out of his dual-holster and empty the clips into your alien chest on sight. They can also be found on ladies attending a bachelorette party in Nashville. Hard to say which one is worse, so it's best to avoid all of them. But if you are confronted by a cowboy hatted human, do the pledge of allegiance thing again and that should win them over.

If you're interested in making money, you're going to want to get into the porn game immediately. Even if sex is an entirely foreign concept for you. It doesn't matter. There are so many fucking freaks down here. There's this thing called hentai…. Idk… I don't want to go into detail on what exactly hentai is or why that's relevant to you, but trust me. We'll talk when you get down here. It's gonna be a goldmine for you guys. 

If you come in peace, and you find yourself in a conversation with a group of non-cowboy hatted humans, you're going to need to do something to make sure they know you're on their side. In America, we do something called "small talk". Nobody actually enjoys small talk. It's just something we use to pass time and get us one step closer to death. If you find yourself stuck in a situation where small talk is necessary, here are some topics you can bring up to survive the situation.

"It's so much more humid here than it is in space."
It never hurts to bring up the weather. People especially love discussing the humidity in one area relative to the area that they're accustomed to. 

"Is Britney Spears ok?"
It will let them know that you're familiar with American pop culture, which will help them relate to you. And everybody knows Britney Spears. Whatever the person says about Britney, just nod your head and agree. If you run into a Spears-head, you want to make sure you're on their side.

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"What is Elon Musk doing to Twitter? He's completely ruining it. If he ever makes it to space we won't engage with him."
It would just be really awesome if you said that, or belittled Elon Musk in any way. It's guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser. Everyone is going to love it. And you'll go viral on his own app which will be even funnier.

"We would have came to earth earlier but Jackson Mahomes turned us off. Now that you've arrested him, we thought it was safe to come down"
Everyone thinks this already. I'd never make any assumptions about your kind, but I am pretty sure we would have seen you by now if it wasn't for Jackson Mahomes. Out of respect for your species, I will not post one of his TikToks.

On the other hand, if you don't come in peace, and you're looking to immediately ramp things up to a violent 10, then try one out one of these.

"Boy that Joe Rogan sure is wrong about everything, huh?"
You might as well show a Catholic Priest proof that Jesus is fake. Except Joe Rogan might be more powerful than Jesus.

"Why would you choose to live in this dump when you could be in New York City where everything is better"
If you're in New York this won't work, but tell that to high school baseball coach in Defiance, Ohio and he's gonna get real worked up about it.

"We used to have a lot of the same problems you have on our planet, but then we banned guns and everything was solved."
That will start a debate that our society might never recover from.

"Michael Jordan won more championships, but realistically anybody with a brain would rather build their franchise around LeBron James. He's bigger, stronger, a better 2-way player, his career was longer, he's a better teammate. There's a million reasons. People who think the end all be all is how many rings an athlete won just don't understand sports"
Trust me on this one.

Ok, that should help a little bit, depending on how you plan to come at us. Additionally here are a few things about me as a person, that I think should qualify me to be either your #1 choice of companion, or your #1 person to not vaporize immediately. 

I'm a 6'1" Caucasian American male. I know that might not mean much to you as an alien, but here it's pretty sick. 

I have 3 single girls in my friend group. I'm not sure if you're into that sort of thing, but they're very much looking for dating partners. They've been having a hell of a time on the apps lately. I think they would be more than open to an alien partner.  

I've never seen an alien movie in my life. I find the hubris with which earthlings pretend to know what you look like, why you're here for, and how long your glowing index finger is disgusting. There are a lot of people on this planet who will be disappointed if you reveal yourself to them, and you don't have big black eyes, a bulbous head, and probes to shove up our asses. But not me. No matter what form you come in, I will accept you as your are. Even if you're like.. the size of a fly or something. Nobody ever considers the fact that you could be wee. Or even unseeable to humans. That would be disappointing to some people but I'm ok with it.

I'll try anything twice. If you have any cool alien drugs, or mind altering substances of any sort, I'll be a great test subject. I trust you won't give me anything that kills me. But I'm very interested into indulging in something that will take my mind to some sort of alternate alien realm. A hallucinogenic serum would be cool. Maybe some type of alien opiate or benzo that doesn't have any negative health effects and poses no risk of addiction. For research purposes only.

I know Dave Portnoy, and I am willing to give him up for the right price. I have his phone number. I can't just give him up for nothing, but depending on what you can promise me in return (space money, protection, some of those drugs I was just talking about), then we can have a conversation. I don't mean to haggle with you or anything, but you understand why I have to be careful. He is my boss and all. 

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Aside from to Dave, I have no loyalty whatsoever. Are you interested in John Mayer? He has the voice of an angel. I'm one degree of separation away from him. We can get to guy named Rone, steal his phone, get Mayer's phone number from him, then honeypot John Mayer with a beautiful you woman. You can steal his human form, then slowly infiltrate the music scene without having to reveal your true selves at all. Learn all of the industry secrets. Get on a song with Jay-Z, become friends, gain membership to the Illuminati. What is the Illuminati? Nobody knows, but you'll be able to find out. Jeff Bezos? Donald Trump? Bill Clinton? What are they up to? What are their secrets? All of this information can be yours at the drop of a hat. 

My DM's are open. Shoot me a message on X @JohnRichTV and we'll get it all set up. Live long and prosper or whatever the fuck you say.