My Hole Weak- What is the greatest pain you have ever experienced?

Large7/16/2023 8:15 PM

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my getting a 6 mm calcium kidney stone surgically removed through the small opening at the tip of my humongous penis.

If you care to reminisce about the finer details of the ordeal, I urge you to revisit the blog I wrote in an Oxycontin-fueled haze...

This anniversary is not one that I had circled on my calendar. Instead, I was reminded of it by a text message from my urologist's office reminding me I was due for a 1-year check-up. I am not sure what that check-up will consist of, but I am sure it'll once again involve nurses seeing my freshly-shaved genitals... You see, I plan on removing some feathers from my mighty raven before going to the appointment in order to garner that extra "optical inch" that I would otherwise lose if my member was buried in a thatch of gray pubic hair.

DigiClicks. Getty Images.

(I need to "cut back the rough")

So, as I am getting prepared to celebrate the anniversary, I can't help but think back to a question that many people asked me after they read the original blog… "Was the pain from your kidney stone worse than the pain from gout?"

I don't know why I didn't answer it then, but I am prepared to answer it now.

The answer is yes.

But before I get to that… If you didn't read the attached blog, or if you don't know me at all, I should clear this up first… On top of kidney stones, I suffer from a variety of illnesses that are synonymous with older people that don't take very good care of themselves.

Giphy Images.

I have a "ground glass nodule" in my right lung, a cyst on my left kidney, I used to have a sizable stone in my right, I have arthritis in both of my feet and both of my knees, I have chronic back pain because one of my legs is shorter than the other after I shattered my left leg in high school before I stopped growing, my eyesight is terrible, my acid reflux is strong, through multiple colonoscopies I've had more polyps snipped from inside my rectum than I care to count, and I have what people used to call "The King's Disease"… Gout.

The flareups from gout are excruciating and cause a sensitivity in my left big toe that leaves me bedridden for at least a day until the meds kick in.

And even after the meds start to do their thing, I still wear goofy sandals in order to protect the "little piggy that went to the market."

There is more info on these beauties in the attached blog, including a link if you care to get your own…

So the pain from gout is real… It's like shards of broken glass are sitting under the skin covering the joint of your big toe. You cannot rest a bedsheet on it because even the minuscule weight of your linens is enough to trigger pain that shoots up your leg in a way that I can only describe as lightning-like.

And yet, that is nothing compared to kidney stones.

When I was on the hospital gurney last year, drugged out of my mind, I vaguely remember asking the anesthesiologist if I was a "pussy" for being in so much pain during the ordeal… Particularly because a number of women on social media pointed out that men complaining of passing a stone are pussies compared to females who deliver kids vaginally… And what the doctor told me, gave me a ton of solace.

He said, "Mr. McCarthy, I have been involved with a number of painful and difficult births, and nearly all of those moms came back at some point to have another child. I've also been involved with an equal number of painful kidney stone removals, and not one of those patients… Man or woman… Would sign up for Round 2."

Looking back, having another child versus having another kidney stone is not exactly an apples-to-apples comparison, but the nonsensical sentiment still made me smile ear-to-ear as I drifted away on a propofol-piloted pleasure cruise.

So that question is now answered… Kidney stones (at least for me) are more painful than gout, and I can say comfortably that the removal of my stone last year was the most painful thing I have experienced in the 51 years I've been spinning aimlessly around this mortal coil.

Can you say the same?

If you're reading this, is there one unfortunate event in your life that UNEQUIVOCALLY contained the most physical pain you've ever experienced?

The answer is probably easy for Joe Theisman…