It's Insane To Think LeBron's Career Turns Old Enough To Drink This Coming Season (Bonus: Power Ranking The Greatest Moments Of Growing Up)

It doesn't matter whether you love LeBron or hate LeBron, the fact he is entering his 21st season and still one of the best players in the NBA is absolutely insane. I mean just look at him in that video. The grey in the unkept beard makes him look like he should be explaining to you how he used to walk six miles, uphill, both ways to school. Not about to dominate another year in the most athletic league in the world.

Shit, he's starting to look exactly like the old version of himself from those The LeBrons commercials back in 2006.

I don't know if it is possible but I think we actually take LeBron for granted. I just keep assuming he is going to average 28, 8, and 7 and it will never end. But someday it will and that's going to suck for the league. Even if you're a LeBron hater it's way more fun to root against him than to not have him at all.

Last season there were four players in the NBA that were born after LeBron was drafted by the Cavs. This year you would be able to fill multiple NBA rosters with how many kids were born after he made it to the league. And even with that fact he's still throwing down dunks on the youngin's on pretty much a nightly basis. 

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Sure, he doesn't get as high off the floor as he used to but it still higher than most of us have ever been able to jump. And while he is throwing down highlights against the greatest competition in the world, I'm pulling a muscle in my heel from stretching.

True story. I didn't even know there was muscles in you heel and now I'm limping around like an asshole because I had the audacity to try and stretch before a shitty two mile jog. Getting older sucks. Well for everyone except LeBron apparently. 

This next part was inspired not only by LeBron's freakishly long career but also by my son. Yesterday he got his braces off after about 18 months. Now I never had to wear braces but I watched him hide his teeth in every smile for the better part of two years. And then I saw him smile like he was Tom Cruise enthusiastically cheering on the church of Scientology as they tried to ruin Leah Remini's life for leaving the cult church. It was pure, unbridled joy.

That relief has to be a top tier moment from growing up for many. But let's see where it lands in the power rankings…

1. Last day of school

It doesn't matter that it happened every single year because every single year it was the best fucking day of the year. No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers telling me I will never amount to anything if I keep paying the quiet kid to see how many Gobstoppers he can fit in his mouth during Science class.

Imagine if we still got this feeling as adults. Depression rates would plummet, wars would cease, and the amount of airport freakout videos would dwindle. It would be bad for our business but great for world morale. 

2. Getting your license

The second greatest form of freedom during childhood. It would take the top spot but it only happens once. But that feeling when you first pull off out of your driveway with no one else in the car, heading to your buddies house to pick them up was elite. 

It also was the first private place to take girls for most people. Like a mobile hotel room to do all the finger bangin' and tonsil hockey your little heart desires. Speaking of…

3. First kiss

4. Losing virginity

The order of these two might be controversial but hear me out. A first kiss opens an entire new universe. That feeling is magical. So magical there is literally an entire industry making movies based around first kisses. 

The first time you get laid is almost always underwhelming. Probably because you busted in 30 seconds and had no clue what you were doing. It's an ego thing. You have already been whackin' it for years and also probably already had gotten some head. Getting laid for the first time is only special because now you can brag to your boys.

And whether you lost it to you girlfriend at the time or to a Taiwanese whore named Martha who hung out at the local laundry mat (like me) chances are she wasn't singing your praises afterwards. 

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5. Getting the exact present you wanted

6. Walking into Toys R Us with a hand full of gift cards

These two go hand in hand. Getting the exact present you wanted gets a slight nod because that nervous feeling just before you open the gift is unmatched. Wondering if mom and dad fucked up Christmas again this year only to find out they finally pulled the trigger on that N64 you had been bugging them about for 6 months. 

But right on its heels was walking into Toys R Us with a fist full of gift cards ready to do some damage. There was no greater power trip. Probably the first time in your entire childhood you were in complete control. The world was your oyster and who knows what you might find in those magical aisles. 

That's why if you don't know what to get a young kid in your family for a holiday ALWAYS go with a gift card to somewhere awesome. You're basically gifting financial freedom. 

7. Braces off

Like I said earlier my son got his off yesterday and I'm not sure I ever saw him smile so big. It's weird to me that kids are still embarrassed about braces since basically everyone gets them now but I guess I get it. You're more worried about what people might be thinking than what they actually probably are.

Plus, not having to pick food out of those medieval torture contraptions has got to be a huge relief. And being able to mix Cheetos back into your snack rotation is clutch. 

8. Turn 21

People are probably going to be pissed this one landed so low but the truth hurts. Sure, being able to walk into any bar and buy a drink is a great feeling but for the most part this moment is wildly overrated. First of all, you have probably been drinking for 4-6 years at this point. No one has their first drink in their 21st birthday unless they're Mormon or destined to be a serial killer.

Second, on your 21st birthday you probably got so fucked up it put you on the injured reserve for at least 48 hours. For some reason everyone on earth wants to buy you a shot and see you puke your liver into the toilet. Happy birthday! Enjoy your alcohol poisoning. 

9. Any field trip

If you're like me this was an elite day every time. They piled all the kids in those completely unsafe yellow busses and unleashed us onto some poor unsuspecting museum or park so we could kick up dust and ruin people's days. They were never able to keep an eye on everyone so it was like Marshall law. 

We were so bad at my middle school they literally banned us from field trips. All of them. Canceled. They kicked us out of the Rain Forest at the zoo and we were never allowed to have another field trip again. Looking back that feels like quite an impressive accomplishment. 

10. Grandma/grandpa would sneak you money 

This is a sneaky underrated moment from childhood. You're at a boring party, wondering when mom is going to be done gossiping about your cousin Kristie who she says "wouldn't have to bring a different guy to Easter every year if she dressed like less of a whore" when all of a sudden grandpa pulls you over and slips you a crips 20 in your palm.

I can't wait to have grand kids so I can pull this move. It feels like a scene out of a mob movie except the only person getting whacked was cousin Kristies new boyfriend in the bathroom after dinner.