Justice is Served in the Chess World as a Judge Throws Out the $100 Million Lawsuit by the Champion Accused of Cheating With Anal Beads

Bill Greenblatt. Shutterstock Images.

You wouldn't know it from watching 1,000 episodes of Dick Wolf productions where the guilty party 'fesses to their crimes at the 52-minute mark, but the wheels of justice do, in fact, grind slowly. But eventually, they do grind small. Whether we're talking about criminal cases, or the much more exciting world of high stakes world of cheating at board games. 

Why, it was about 10 months ago that all of mankind was caught in the grip of the great chess cheating scandal. Because it had it all. Geniuses. Battles of wit and daring. Drama. Strategy. International intrigue. A champion who looked vaguely like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

A question of honor as Hans Neimann was accused of cheating.  Followed by his  $100 million lawsuit. And above all else, the one thing every compelling morality play needs: The suggestion that the foul play involved remote controlled sex toys up the cheater's butthole. I mean, just think for a second how much more intense that Baccarat scene would've been if 007 accused Dr. No of cheating with anal beads.

Finally, we have resolution in the matter, thanks to one wise justice on the United States bench:

Source - A United States judge has dismissed a £78m lawsuit filed by chess player Hans Moke Niemann, who legendary grandmaster Magnus Carlsen accused of cheating at a prestigious tournament in 2022.

After Carlsen called him a fraud, Niemann admitted to wrongdoing in online tournaments. However, Niemann denied acting illegally in over-the-board tournaments such as the Sinquefield Cup, where he defeated Carlsen to ignite the controversy.

Niemann was accused of using vibrating anal beads during the competition that would indicate to him where to move pieces - an unproven claim promoted by Tesla chief Elon Musk.

Allow me to just interject here and mention that Musk's since-deleted Tweet employed a variation of my favorite sayings. From German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: “Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see." Followed by "(cause it’s in ur butt)." And "the most entertainment outcome is most likely." Because Schopenhauer was brilliant. But also because adding "it's in ur butt" does make every outcome the most entertaining one, every time it's tried. 

We continue:

With his reputation in tatters, Niemann levied antitrust and defamation claims against Carlsen and other prominent members of the chess community. But the U.S. District Court threw out the antitrust suit and declined to rule on the defamation claim, according to the Wall Street Journal.

Niemann will continue to fight this, as his lawyers have stated publicly. And I have no doubt they'll seize on that last part about the judge issuing no ruling on the defamation claim. But us laymen who aren't lawyers (including me who spend almost 20 years working in a courtroom and only learned the best way to handle it if you get stopped after having a few drinks) who don't understand the complexities of the legal system, can only have one takeaway. And it's that the judge believes Niemann did, in fact, play with vibrating beads shoved up his prison wallet and someone on the outside using a computer and signalling him the right moves. 

Fair or not. True or not. That's how we're going to read this. In the same way America is convinced Tom Brady was guilty in Deflategate and the Astros cheated their way to World Series rings. Some bells you just can't unring. Niemann's one chance to get his reputation back was headlines reading he won a $100 million lawsuit. Now that's been heard and thrown out of court. And there's no way back for him. Until the sun goes nova, he'll always be the Anal Beads Chess Cheater in the court of public opinion. 

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It's my considered legal opinion that he just own it. Embrace it. Re-brand himself as the Bad Boy of the Chess World. The WWE heel of the game board. Too dangerous to face. Too cunning and devious to defeat. Willing to go to any lengths, stick anything up inside his body cavity, to get what is rightfully his. Do that, and he'll not only become the stuff of legends, he'll make that 100 mil in no time. You're welcome.