It Looks Like Harry & Meghan's $100 Milllion Netflix Deal is Dead as We Get Details of the Terrible Ideas They've Been Pitching

Pool. Getty Images.

In this life, there are few joys better than watching someone of unimaginable wealth and privilege fail at something that people who came into this world with no advantages succeed at. But one thing that is better is watching someone of unimaginable wealth and privilege embarrass themselves. It might not be the best quality to have. But it is thoroughly and undeniably a natural human trait. 

Which is why we all need Spotify's head of podcast innovation and monetization Bill Simmons to make good on his promise to get drunk some day and recap the Zoom call he had with Prince Harry as he pitched ideas of projects he though he and Meghan Markle could do. 

“What does he do? It’s one of those things where it’s like, what’s your talent? Why are we listening to you? So you were born in a royal family and then you left …You sell documentaries and podcasts, and nobody cares what you have to say about anything unless you talk about the royal family, and you just complain about them.”

That is, before Spotify up and canceled its deal with (Simmons' words) the "fucking grifters":

Fortunately for all us fans of the simple pleasures of famous being being exposed as frauds, some of the details The Sports Guy only alluded to are coming out. As we now find out Netflix has had it with their utter lack of creativity as well:

Source (paywall) - The subject of endless rumors and gossip, the couple felt qualified to tackle the thorny topic of misinformation. A documentary would cement Harry and Meghan as serious creative types and help shed their reputation as exiles from the House of Windsor trading family dirt for eyeballs.

A team assigned to the job at the pair’s Los Angeles-based production company, Archewell, had questions. …

The couple had few answers, according to people familiar with the inner-workings of Archewell and Harry and Meghan’s deals with streamers. The misinformation documentary soon met the fate of other Archewell projects, and faded away. 

Prince Harry and Meghan’s Hollywood foray is looking like a flop. They arrived in Southern California three years ago with Duke and Duchess titles and plans to capitalize on a cash-rich streaming business desperate for star power to lure subscribers. The big-ticket deals that followed—$100 million at Netflix, more than $20 million at Spotify—have led to more cancellations and rejections than produced shows. …

The graveyard of video projects they hoped to make includes an animated children’s show called “Pearl” that was canceled by Netflix, as well as at least two TV ideas that the streaming service rejected within the past year, people familiar with Harry and Meghan’s projects said. Netflix is unlikely to renew the couple’s deal, which runs through 2025, the people said. …

Archewell employees and associates say the company often lacks direction, and that its founders at times seem surprised by the work required to finish entertainment projects. Most potential initiatives, they said, follow a similar route: Big idea, subpar execution. …

[P]roposed projects seemed designed to replicate successful shows already on Netflix, such as a sitcom described as “Emily in Paris,” but about a man, and a family-friendly TV show about gay characters that felt similar to the fan favorite “Heartstopper.” Netflix said no to both, people familiar with the matter said. …

Harry and Meghan are also developing a TV show for Netflix called “Bad Manners” based on Miss Havisham, a Charles Dickens character from “Great Expectations.” The prequel would recast the lonely spinster as a strong woman living in a patriarchal society, though it is unclear whether the show will get a green light from Netflix. 

Now, before you get too disappointed about missing out on that riveting "misinformation" documentary, a couple of direct ripoffs of existing IP, and yet another female character retconned into a strong, independent girl boss striking a blow for empowerment against the patriarchy, it seems Harry had something much goofier in mind:

Source - [W]hile there’s been all this talk of Markle’s podcast and what she did or didn’t produce, what happened to a potential Harry show? …

Harry spoke with multiple producers and production houses, these people said, to discuss possible shows. Along the way, Harry listened to various ideas from others but mostly stuck by his own — including one about childhood trauma. The concept: Harry would interview a procession of controversial guests, such as Vladimir Putin, Mark Zuckerberg and Donald Trump, about their early formative years and how those experiences resulted in the adults they are today. 

Harry also had an idea, the people said, for a show centered on fatherhood. Another one would have tackled major societal conversations episode by episode, ranging from climate change to religion. For the latter, Harry hoped to have Pope Francis on as a guest.

Let's review, shall we? Putin. Zuckerberg. Trump. The Pope. All putting their lives as a warmongering despot, a weirdly robotic tech mogul, an indicted presidential candidate, and the spiritual leader of a billion people, to sit down with Harry and chew the fat. The first three coming on to bare their souls about … what? Being scared of the dark? Toilet training? Getting put in the Time Out chair? Puberty? Getting bullied in school? With a guy who's so estranged from his own family that he was sat in the cheap seats as his dad's coronation. And Francis is going to give him a private audience because … why? He doesn't get the chance to talk about religion very much in his life as the Pope?

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Either Harry has the greatest contacts list in the history of the world, or he's a delusional, grandiose dipshit with a grossly overinflated idea of self worth. And I know where my money is. 

But I guess this is what you do when you've never had to make your own way in this world. To teach yourself how to rely on your wits and your creativity to navigate through the treacherous waters of a dog-eat-dog business environment takes drive and ambition. And you're only going to get that from being hungry for it. By outworking everybody else. Which you're not going to get from growing up in palaces having a staff of servants making your meals, tying your shoes, and putting toothpaste on your brush for you. 

So you don't understand the concept of "Under-promise and over-deliver." Instead, you drop the biggest names you can possibly think of, like you're such a Big Deal they'll be at your beck and call. Champing at the bit to share the intimate details of their personal lives in order for you to justify you and your wife's $120 million worth of media deals. The problem for Harry and Meghan being that they're the ultimate One Trick Ponies. Like Simmons said, once they're done shitting on the Royals, they've got nothing else. There is literally no other compelling reason to listen to their vapid, tedious, self-righteous claptrap. Much less take time off from leading countries, tech empires, campaigns and religions to talk to these dopes. 

To echo what Nate wrote, this heist the Sussexes pulled just keeps getting even greater.