It Is Perfectly Acceptable To Run Over Someone With A Golf Cart In Certain Situations
I feel like I discuss people getting run over by golf carts in about 50% of my blogs. I just can't help it. They're very funny. Back in Barstool's SiriusXM days in 2017, when "attempting to murder your friends via golf cart" became the hottest internet trend, whether or not Barstool should be reposting these videos was heavily debated. I remember Riggs and Dave going back and forth on the subject. Riggs was vehemently against it, because posting the videos was basically encouraging that type of behavior. But to Dave's point, they are very funny. This was the outcome of their debate.
Not sure if anybody ever cashed in on that bounty. I suppose it might still be up for grabs. I don't know what the statute of limitations on carrying out hits are. But back to today's video in question. Let's have one more look.
This video is perfect. It's exactly what conflicted "golf cart trampling" fans like myself need. With most of these golf cart videos, there's always a hint of, "I really shouldn't be laughing at this", which puts a damper on the hilarity of the situation. But this situation. This is beautiful. I can't even imagine how ecstatic the driver was when he realized the opportunity he had at hand. He's truly blessed. Opportunities like that don't come around often. Most people will never have that chance. But stumbling upon an unhinged old man launching cinderblock sized rocks into the windows of a home that isn't his… if you have a golf cart… that's fair game. Run that bitch over.
As always, when I write about these golf cart attacks, I must disclaim that you should NEVER execute this move for a laugh. It's not worth it. It's highly dangerous, and I'm pretty sure you could get charged with assault.
But to say you should NEVER do it under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is just stupid. It's patently false. There are tons of viable reasons to run somebody over with a golf cart. For example, if you find yourself in any of the following situations, you have the green light to flatten their ass.
- You're in a golf cart and come across a man vandalizing your home (i.e. the original video).
- You're in a golf cart and a man is pointing a gun at somebody (this is an extremely dangerous, high risk-high reward situation, but if you execute it properly, you're a hero for life).
- Your victim is a masochist and has offered you a large sum of money to run him over. Ideally, he's also signed a waiver clearing you of any and all liability.
- A person is in the middle of the road and is about to be hit by a truck, and the only way you're able to clear him out of the way is by using your golf cart.
- It's a bad person who has escaped from prison and you're able to get an angle on him (i.e. Subway Jared, Oscar Pistorius)
- It's a person who has recently smoked weed and lost all of their bones so they can't possibly get any more hurt since they're already flat.
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- It's an alien and it's the only way you're going to be able to capture it (outer space aliens only).
- You've traveled back in time and see baby Hitler
- You need to stop a group of billionaires who are on their way to participate in some sort of low-budget deep sea excursion
- It's a family ordering food from Five Guys and are holding up the line because they can't wrap their minds around the fact that the Regular Cheeseburgers actually have 2 patties.
- It's the guy who works at the bodega next to my office who just makes up whatever prices he feels like. He charged me $5.15 for a Monster the other day. The other dude charges $3.75. Don't run over the other dude, he's cool.
- It's the bouncer in Fort Worth, TX who thought my real Ohio ID was fake when I was 22 years old and took it from me and refused to give it back so I had to go get a new ID the next day.
- You come across the guy who runs his dogs out in front of my house every morning around 8am (see diagram).
There's only 1 thin patch of grass along the road where people can take their dogs to poop and pee, so everyone just takes their dogs across the road to do their business, then walks back to their apartment. Except this one guy who insists on running his dogs down the thin patch of grass. Every time he does it, we all have to pull our dogs off to the side or cross the street to let this weirdo pass. The patch of grass is like 5 feet wide and there's usually traffic on the road. There's fucking nowhere to go. I'll be having a pleasant morning, then I look up and there's just a dude and 2 dogs sprinting at me. Then it's a race to get out of the way. He doesn't even let his dogs stop to pee, so there's no reason he needs the grass at all. It's really not that big of a deal, I'm not mad about it or anything, but he's a menace to the community and if you see him you should run him over with your golf cart.
- It's one of the guys from my energy company who buzz my door to let them in the building to "read the meter" and 8am. First off, that's way too early. I have a fake job that I need my beauty sleep for. Plus, nobody told me you were coming. How do I even know you're with the energy company? Because you're wearing a hat? I can put on a Yankees hat, that doesn't mean I'm on the team. The other day one of them asked me to let them into our basement where the storage is. My golf clubs are down there. I can't just let anybody with a hat have access to the belongings of everyone in my apartment. How about you call my landlord ahead of time instead of just smashing every door bell until someone lets you in
- It's Chris Klemmer. He must be stopped.