Coffin Company Makes Fun Themed Coffins For Quirky Funeral Celebrations, Which Has Me Wondering "Does Your Dick Experience Rigor Mortis When You Die?"

kparis. Getty Images.

Everybody at some point in their life has said something along the lines of, "When I die, I don't want my funeral to be grim. I want it to be a celebration of my life. I want it to be a party. I want everyone to get fucking wasted and snort cocaine off my rigor morted penis." - or something along those lines. Everyone is different. I'm actually not sure what happens to your dick when you die. I know the rest of your body goes stiff, but dicks might be kinda different. It might just get really small and shriveled. It's not like there's blood flowing to it anymore, and that's normally what hardens a dick. I could probably Google this and find the answer, but I like to leave some things to the imagination. 

But I digress. Check this shit out. 

Sky News - Purvis said: "Most of our coffin designs come from having honest conversations with the person when they are still alive.

"A lot of people are now arranging their own funerals before they die. This gives them a chance to break the taboo of talking about death with their families.

"It also gives them the opportunity to have exactly the funeral they want and to take the burden off the family when the time comes." 

I can't think of a better way to celebrate the life of a loved-one than with a quirky coffin. You can still do the cocaine dick thing too. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. Again, it just depends on how the dick settles posthumously. I guess if you're a girl then that wouldn't even be an option. But the boobs would be just as much of a party.

I'm sorry this is probably inappropriate, but one more thing about post-death dicks while they're on my mind. It would actually be kind of poetic if your dick to shriveled up and got soft when you died. Human life begins with a stiff dick. But at the end of life, it's the rest of your body that stiffens up, while your dick shrinks down to a soggy raisin. It's the circle of life, if you will.

Anyways. Quirky coffins. Pretty silly. Obviously, you'd like the coffin to represent something that the deceased loved. The design should mean something to the person's who's life you're celebrating. One of the examples in the article is a Game of Thrones themed coffin. So if your dead loved one was a gigantic loser with literally nothing better going on in their life other than watching Game of Thrones, or if he's Jon Snow himself, then that would be perfect. An Italian might appreciate a Sopranos/James Gandolfini casket. Brandon Walker's could be a tribute to the Cosby Show. There's a bunch of TV related options. 

If the deceased has a good sense of humor, the coffin could pay homage to the thing that finally killed them. For example, if they die of lung cancer, you can decorate the casket like a pack of Marlboro Reds. If they died from liver failure, you could do a casket painted like a glass of beer. Or if he was hit by bus, you could make the casket look like a bus. There's an endless amount of 'cause of death' themed caskets you could play with.

Just something to think about guys. If you have any friends or family who are on the brink of death, are especially accident prone, or if you recently took out a hefty life insurance policy on someone, then it might be worth sitting them down to have a discussion about how they'd like their death box decorated. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. 

P.S. Sorry, one more thing. I was gonna leave the death dick thing up to the imagination, but I couldn't help myself. I searched the internet for "does your dick get hard when you die." This could be a whole blog in itself, but did you know there's something called the Death Erection (aka Angel Lust, Rigor Erectus, or Terminal Erection)? Maybe people know this already, but I just learned about it now. Good news/bad news about the Death Erection, though.

Good News: a forever posthumous boner is a real possibility

Advertisement

Bad News: it seems to only happen in the case of a "swift and violent death" (hanging, poisoned, shot in head, etc.)

It has to do with the blood settling in your dick when you die in a violent manner. You can read about it more here. But bottom line is, if I happen to die by assassination, the cocaine dick funeral is fully on. Get the Barstool Sports themed coffin ready. It'll be a fiesta of life like no one has ever seen. Viva.