What Not to Say to Your Dad On Father's Day
Father's Day is coming up this weekend. Every year, sons and daughters stress out about what last minute gift to get their Dad. It's hard to shop for dads. Anything he cares enough to own he's already bought for himself. So don't stress out about the gift. Your dad doesn't care what you get him. It's the thought that counts. Just get him a nice card complete with a $50 gift card to the Barstool Store and call it a day. He's going to love it.
All you should worry about is making sure he has an enjoyable, stress-free Father's Day. All dad's really want is to be left alone. Instead of focusing on what you should do for him, ask yourself what you should not do. If you find yourself wanting to say any of the following sentences, take a step back and reconsider. He doesn't want to hear it.
I'm Quitting My Job to Pursue a Career as a Content Creator
I would never tell someone to not chase their dream, but you don't need to let your dad know this now. When I quit my job to write blogs on www.JohnRichTV.com for a readership of 20 people, I had the decency to leave my father completely in the dark. Why would he need to know that? I don't care if you got 1 million views on your last TikTok. Statistics like that mean nothing to him. He's going to say, "Why can't you just make TikTok's on the side?", and you're not going to have a good answer for him. If you're going to quit your job, keep it a secret for as long has humanly possible and wait for the lie to blow up in your face the old fashioned way.
You Should Download TikTok, I Think You'd Like It
You can explain to him how "the algorithm will make it so you're only seeing the type of content you want", until you're blue in the face. All you're going to get out of it is a lecture about Chinese espionage.
You Need to Schedule a Colonoscopy
Colon Cancer is a not-so-silent killer in this country, but is extremely treatable if caught early. That's why it's crucial to get frequent colonoscopies once you hit the age of 40. As much as you want your dad to live a long happy life, Father's Day is not the time to bring it up. If you do, everyone within earshot will instantly think about your father's butt hole. You don't want to be responsible for that. Envisioning a doctor elbow deep in your dad's ass is not something that anybody in your family wants to experience at the dinner table.
I Wish You Would Have Pushed Me Harder at Sports When I Was a Child
Deep down you might feel as if you could have had a career in the Major Leagues had your dad forced you to spend more time practicing. That's not worth bringing up on Father's Day either. Just because you're the best player on your church league softball team doesn't mean your athletic ceiling was the Major Leagues. It's not Triple-A either. Not even Double-A. Maybe if you really grinded your ass off you'd be playing Class-A baseball for a team that pays you so little money you're forced to work for your friend Colin's snow-removal business in the off-season. You don't want that life. Colin doesn't even own a snowblower. He's going to give you a shitty, worn-down shovel and make you do all the hard work while he snowplows driveway's from the comfort of his own truck. Is that really any better than working full-time at Enterprise Rent-A-Car? I promise you it's not. Your dad did a fine job raising you.
You Should Try CBD
He's managing his back pain just fine with prescription opiates.
I'm Starting an OnlyFans
You can't tell your parents about your OnlyFans unless you're pulling in at least $10k/month. Once you're pulling in $100,000 annually, then you can break the news. But not until then.
My Ex-Girlfriend Started An OnlyFans
What do you expect? That's he's not going to look it up? Unless you want your dad receiving private videos from your college girlfriend, you gotta keep that information to yourself.
I Think You'd Enjoy Golf More if You Moved Up to The Senior Tees
Why don't you insult his penis while you're at it? Your dad isn't as long off the tee as he used to be, but he doesn't need you to point that out. It's emasculating. Eventually he's going to get tired of hitting 3 woods into every par 4 and he'll step up a tee box, but you have to let him come to terms with that on his own.
Jack Nicklaus Wouldn't Even Qualify for The PGA Tour in 2023
That's a stupid hypothetical, and it's probably not even true. You can say that about Babe Ruth (fat), but that logic doesn't work for golf. With modern day golf club technology, he might be even better. In Jack's era, he was driving the ball 330 yards with a croquet mallet and dropping 30-foot putts with an old rusty spoon. Give Jack Nicklaus a Ping-G430 and he'll shave 5 strokes off his game.
It's Not Like The People Who Run The LIV Tour Did 9/11 Themselves
While you're on the topic of golf, the PGA + LIV merger is going to be brought up. That's fine to talk about, but if you can somehow manage to talk golf without mentioning 9/11, it's going to be a better day for everyone.
Have You Seen The Documentary Loose Change?
If you fail to keep 9/11 out of the conversation, don't respond to your dad's lengthy, "The PGA Tour supports terrorism" rant by implying that 9/11 was an inside job. Your dad has never seen Loose Change before. Do him a favor and keep it off his radar. Loose Change will him down a "jet fuel can't melt steel beams" rabbit hole that he might never recover from.
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Take It Up With 4Chan
He doesn't know what 4Chan is either. But if you get fed up with his conspiracy theory nonsense and make a 4Chan reference, he's going to look it up. If that happens, it's all over. Maybe your dad can recover from watching Loose Change, but if he learns about 4Chan in the midst of a 9/11 truther phase, you might as well say goodbye. You've lost him. Next thing you know you're talking Pizzagate around the Christmas tree, and your inheritance is spent on Alex Jones' "Save Infowars Legal Defense Fund"