The President of PETA Says She Wants to Be Eaten in a 'Human BBQ' When She Dies

Ken McKay. Shutterstock Images.

Summer is not a great time for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Frankly I don't know if any time is particularly good for people who are perpetually malnourished from living off a steady diet of what the great Ron Swanson called "the food my food eats." And who use up all their strength marching in protest of the rest of us for taking our rightful place at the top of the food chain. But a season that begins and ends with long weekends that bookend one long, outdoor meat grilling season can't be fun for people pretending to be herbivores. 

And this summer is off to a particularly tough start. PETA is reportedly demanding the Guardians' Will Brennan get suspended for making a funny gesture about the bird he killed on the field a couple of weeks ago. America's most desirable bachelor just told them what cut of meat they can put in their collective mouth:

And apart from that, they're largely being ignored by us ominvores who want pets and laboratory animals to be treated as humanely as they do, but will die before we lay our burgers and racks of ribs down before the altar of these self-righteous buttinskis so they can feel good about their weak, protein-deficient selves. 

That said, PETA is finally putting their effort behind a cause I can get behind:

Source - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) President Ingrid Newkirk said she updated her will to include a request for her flesh to be donated for a "human barbecue," according to a Monday announcement. 

"Flesh is flesh, and mine is given, not taken," Newkirk said. "[T]he thought of carving up human flesh for steaks might be just the thing to jolt diners into kindness."

The request detailed a desire for her flesh to be "Carve[d] out and sear some of her flesh to fry up with onions for a human barbecue." The will also asked for her body parts to be shipped off to various individuals and groups.

First of all, you have to respect President Ingrid Newkirk's commitment. Her willingness to literally put her ass on the line for the cause is admirable. 

Second, put me down for one side of Newkirk. Like most people, I've never had much appetite for human flesh. I prefer to leave the cannibalism to your Dahmers and your Dr. Lecters. But that's mostly because it's the killing that I really object to. It's not only illegal, it's messy and time consuming. And if the true crime shows are accurate, you have to find a victim with a bubbly personality and a smile that lights up a whole room. Who's got time for all that effort when the store has delicious beef, pork and chicken all wrapped in plastic for you and ready for the grill? 

But President Newkirk is willing to eliminate all those hoops to jump through and just put herself in butcher's section for us? In fact, she's asking us to do it? As you wish, madam. If you insist. 

I mean, it's not like it hasn't been done before. Legend has it that when Darius the Great (550-486 BC) was ruling the Achaemenid Empire, he brought together Greeks (from the western edge of his kingdom) and Indians (from the east) and pointed out that the Greeks cremated their parents, which the Indians thought was barbaric. While the Indians ate theirs, which the Greeks thought was disgusting. His point being, neither is inherently wrong; it's all a matter of the culture you grew up in. It's even allowed under the maritime law of the Royal Navy, going back hundreds of years in survival situations:

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If the head of PETA wants to check out of this word as an entree, we are simply fulling her Last Will and Testament. No judgment allowed. 

My only caveat is I'm not sold on her idea of being carved into steaks and fried with onions. I mean, what an amateur. That is some real vegan recipe nonsense. Leave the cooking to us who know our way around a carcass. Frying with onions is fine if we're talking about some lesser cut of Ingrid. Basically the closer you get to the hooves and horns, the tougher and less desirable it's going to be. Something like those shanks, we'd braise for a long time in a covered pan or Dutch Oven to break it down. Whereas your tenderer cuts we'll want to cut into nice, thick steaks and not cook them more than a medium rare. Naturally, we'll cure and smoke the ribs and make a ham out of the thighs. And any of the smaller bits, we'll grind with a healthy portion of fat and make burgers with. But we can figure that all out when we see what kind of condition the corpse is in. 

So thanks in advance to Ingrid Newkirk. Now if you could please start fattening yourself up, we'd appreciate it. And for goodness sakes, if you can swing it, please try to die sometime around Memorial Day. Much appreciated.