Apparently There Is A Crime Ring Targeting Cleveland Browns Players As Three Have Been Robbed At Gunpoint In The Past Few Days
Trask Smith. Shutterstock Images.NewsChannel5Cleveland.com — Two Browns players, cornerback Greg Newsome and running back Demetric Felton, had their vehicles stolen Sunday, multiple sources confirmed to News 5's Camryn Justice.
Newsome had his vehicle stolen at gunpoint late Sunday night, and Felton had his car stolen earlier in the morning.
OK dickheads, leave the Browns players alone. Two different players had their cars and jewelry stolen at gunpoint between Sunday and Monday including Greg Newsome. Aside from the general fact that some people are scum and just want to steal things, what kind of Clevelander would want to make life harder on the Browns right before the season starts?
The thieves are obviously from Cleveland. People from Cleveland are genetically predisposed to root for this god forsaken football franchise (unless of course you are one of those turncoat scumbags who roots for the Steelers while you live in Northeast Ohio. I spit in those traitor's general direction.) And if you root for the Browns you know that these players already have a cursed mountain to climb each and every season in perfect conditions.
They have to overcome decades of bad football, a mentally abused fanbase that has trust issues, a division that somehow is always fucking good, and an owner who is pretty much an evil Colonel Sanders come to life.
Why are you trying to make things harder on the team right before training camp of a year that we can possibly, maybe, hopefully be kind of good?! If you must, steal their cars in January after they inevitably choke away another season and send us into the sub-zero temperature pit of misery we call Cleveland winter.
What is craziest about the robbery of Newsome is it apparently happened in broad daylight, on a busy ass corner in the middle of downtown Cleveland, and just a few hundred feet from public square. How does no one else see this? It has to be coordinated.
Running back Dometric Felton's car was the other car stolen and a dealership shared a picture having people look out for it.
Sure, this is a nice Durango and all but it's not nice enough to derail what could possibly be just our second playoff run in the past 20 years. Get it together, criminals. We used to have priorities around here. We used to be a proper society.
A third unnamed Browns player was also robbed of his car and jewelry this week, and you know what old GW famously said…
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And remember, this is just a few months after Deshaun Watson's truck was targeted by a high profile car theft ring. Cleveland police need to get a damn handle on this already. I think maybe it's time for the Browns players to chill in the house until we get this figured out.
And we may need to call in the big guns to make that happen. I want Bunk and McNulty on the case. And as soon as they're done investigating we can all go out and find some bar skanks to celebrate with, Browns players included.
In the meantime please leave the Browns players alone, it's hard enough for us not to be mathematically eliminated by our bye week without these scumbags holding every guy with a locker up at gunpoint.
Now let's watch Bunk and McNulty solve a case while only saying "fuck." Also follow me @WillBurge