Natalie Portman's Husband Cheating on Her Might Be the Final Proof Men are Dogs and Monogamy is Impossible

Anthony Harvey. Getty Images.

I'm not sure exactly when I had this epiphany. It might have been right around when the first Thor movie came out and my ever-faithful Irish Rose declared she's not sure who she was crushing on harder, Chris Hemsworth or Natalie Portman. Which, given that Hemsworth is one of those guys who looks like he was carved by Greek gods out of a solid block of testosterone, was a bold admission from her. Especially given Portman spent the entire movie in a flannel and jeans. Anyway, it occurred to me that in the proverbial five-woman Celebrity Hall Pass list every gentleman keeps in his head, Portman had never made my starting rotation. And I had no explanation. She had always been more of a long reliever/spot starter, despite the fact she'd spent a couple of decades doing nothing but bringing unhittable heat on the black, with movement. Even in V for Vendetta, when she spent half the movie with her head shaved like Curley Howard…

she never failed to deliver. 

Then of course, there was this gem, where she totally breaks character in one of the all time great Digital Shorts:

I'd be remiss if I didn't make the case for her in Closer, in which she was basically fishing with dynamite:

And by the time she was winning an Oscar for a movie in which she and Mila Kunis had the kind of scenes that used to wear out the VHS cassettes at Blockbuster for being watched a billion times over (NSFWish), she'd made her case. Natalie Portman has been near the top of the celebrity food chain since the Star Wars prequel trilogy, and has never let up. She's the Thinking Man's Sex Symbol: 

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Which is what makes this week's news so disconcerting:

Source - Natalie Portman and her ballet dancer hubby Benjamin Millepied are battling to save their marriage after she discovered that he had an affair with a 25-year-old woman, sources tell Page Six.

We’re told the pair, who married in 2012, separated last year but managed to work through their relationship woes.  

Now their marriage has once again been rocked by revelations that he cheated. 

New photographs from France suggest that [he] has been spending time with glamorous young climate activist Camille Étienne.

The article goes on, but you get the point. And it would be a dereliction of duty to go any further without getting an assessment of the other woman in question:

OK. Fair enough. She's attractive and French and cares about carbon footprints and polar bear habitats and such. And 16 years younger, if that's your thing. It's easy to see the appeal. But she's not only not Natalie Portman, she can't hold a flickering candle to her. Not even Portman in her 40s. 

All of which means there's no hope left for committed relationships. This is the final nail in monogamy's coffin. It's just another example that proves there is no woman so desirable that no one would cheat on her. Some friends and I have been listing some of the others in a text chain all day. Mario Lopez cheated on Ali frigging Landry at her peak. Josh Brolin and Diane Lane. Jesse James on Sandra Bullock. And perhaps the Crown Prince of Infidelity, Hugh Grant strayed on Elizabeth Hurley, with a street prostitute about 25 years ago, and she's still at the height of her powers. Men are simply incapable of resisting the urge to butter their toast on the other side whenever they have the opportunity. We're just hardwired by nature to spread our seed as much as possible. Even when it means blowing it with a gorgeous, successful, multilingual Ivy League starlet who can rap dirty words with the best of them. It simply can't be helped. It's science. 

If there's one positive to this, it's that it makes a guy feel better about not being a handsome, desirable ballet dancer. Because you can't screw up your marriage by tomcatting around if no woman wants you. But now that Natalie is available, and interested in rebounding, I'll consider using that Hall Pass. You know where to reach me.