If Your Dog is Over 25 Pounds it is Not Permitted in the Small Dog Park
Based on a true story (loosely)
PREMISE
If your dog is over 25 pounds, he/she/they (however your dog identifies) is not permitted in the Small Dog Park. The rules are clearly written on the sign. The Big Dog Park is located on the other side of the fence. If you have a dog that weighs over 25 pounds, you can take it there
SCENE
I am at the 'Small Dog Park' where a woman is playing fetch with her 35-45 pound Golden Retriever puppy named Zeus. He's dominating the park, and upsetting the other small dogs. He frequently strays from his own ball, and steals tennis balls from the small dogs. He means no harm, he's just a puppy, but he is making it difficult for the small dogs to play. On the other side of the fence there is a 'Large Dog Park', which is clearly where Zeus belongs, but for some reason his owner doesn't want to take him there. I politely confront the woman.
Me: "Hey, your dog is large. He is scaring the small dogs. Would you mind going to the Big Dog Park on the other side of the fence?"
Rule Breaking Woman: "But my dog is just a puppy"
Me: "Yes I can see that, but he is kind of dominating the space. And the Small Dog Park is for dogs 25 pounds or less."
Rule Breaking Woman: "But Zeus is only 6 months old. He is a sweet baby angel who just wants to run around and play."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have missed the age exemption on the sign. Is it written on the back? I don't see it. Did the Hudson County Parks department write the age exemption rule on the sign in invisible ink?
Rule Breaking Woman: "Now you're just being rude."
Me (fake calling a Park Ranger on my phone): "Excuse me Mr. Park Ranger, is there a puppy exemption rule at the Small Dog Park that's written on your sign in invisible ink? No? That's fucking stupid you say? You're too busy wearing khaki and a wide brimmed hat to deal with this? That's what I thought."
Rule Breaking Woman: "But Zeus isn't bothering anybody."
Me: "He is literally bothering everybody. I am bothered. Sam, the adorable Welsh Corgi hasn't been able to touch a ball for 15 minutes. My appropriately sized dog, Dock, who is 10 years old and missing 17 teeth is bothered. Zeus has nearly trampled him on multiple occasions. He is ruining our Small Dog Park experience."
Rule Breaking Woman: "But he gets pushed around by the grown-up dogs at the Big Dog Park. I told you he's just a puppy."
Me: "Zeus pushes around all the small dogs. And stop saying puppy. You realize that just makes it worse, right? Puppies don't know their own strength. They don't realize what they're capable of. You wouldn't give a small child the nuclear launch codes would you? No, because he wouldn't understand the repercussions of using them. It's literally the same thing.
Rule Breaking Woman: "That seems like a stretch"
Me (Dock runs over to me and sits at my feet): "One second Dock, I'm saving the dog park"
(picture for reference)
Rule Breaking Woman: "Aww is this Dock? He's so cute!"
Me: "Yes, he's fucking adorable, but don't change the subject."
Rule Breaking Woman: "I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having Zeus run around with the big dogs."
Me: "Well would you feel more comfortable with my foot in your ass? Because that's what going to happen if you don't get Zeus to the other side of the fence where he belongs."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Are you threatening me?"
Me: "Grow up. Yes I'm threatening you. Am I not allowed to threaten a bitch anymore? What has happened to this country?"
Rule Breaking Woman: "Ok Jesus Christ, we'll go to the Big Dog Park."
The rest of the small dog owners erupt into cheers and chant my name as the Rule Breaking Woman takes Zeus to the Big Dog Park.
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"John! John! John! You're a hero! We love you! Thank you for protecting the sanctity of the Small Dog Park! We're so lucky you moved into our neighborhood!"
Me: Don't thank me, thank Dave Portnoy.
Rule Breaking Woman (now on the other side of the fence where she belongs): * Whispers something to one of the other big dog owners and points in my direction *
Me (doing double middle fingers): "Yeah that's right, stay over there where you belong! Your kind isn't welcome over here."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Fucking relax dude. Why did you change your tone to 1950's segregation race war all of the sudden?"
Me: "No no no don't do that! Don't say the word race! Don't put that on me! This isn't a race thing it's a dog size thing!"
Rule Breaking Woman: "Ok but like… the terminology you're using is kinda reminiscent of--"
Me: "I have black friends!"
Rule Breaking Woman: "Bro, what the fuck?"
Me: "Sorry, I panicked when I thought you were calling me racist."
Rule Breaking Woman: "I'm not saying that."
Me: "Ok, thank you. I promise I'm not racist."
Rule Breaking Woman: I believe you, but do you remember that book where they paint a line down the middle of the town and the black people live on one side, and the white people live on the other? That's what this reminds me of."
Me: "What is it called? That sounds familiar but I don't know remember the name."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Yeah, me neither"
Someone Else Overhearing Our Conversation: "It's called Maniac McGee."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Yes, that's it. You're turning the dog park into the town from Maniac McGee."
Me: "Oh yeah, I do remember that movie. That's totally different though. That was legitimate racism. There's no difference between black people and white people, but dogs don't have the brain capacity of humans, therefore we have to put rules in place to protect them from themselves. It's about keeping the small dogs safe. It's honestly bullshit you would even imply that."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Ok but we're still standing on different sides of the fence, and you literally said, 'Your kind isn't welcome here'"
Me: "How does that movie end anyways?"
Rule Breaking Woman: "I'm not sure. I think Maniac MaGee beats someone in a race and it solves racism."
Me: "Huh, I should watch that again. Well, anyways, keep Zeus in the Big Dog Park. You named him Zeus for crying out loud. Zeus is the Greek God of being huge and throwing lighting bolts. That's clearly the name of a dog that belongs in the Big Dog Park."
Rule Breaking Woman: "Ok, ok I will. Just chill out."
Me: "You just chill out."
Rule Breaking Woman: "I'm being extremely chill considering how you're behaving."
Me: "Just keep Zeus out. It's for your own good. If he hurts someone you're going to have a lawsuit on your hands. My dad is a lawyer."
Rule Breaking Woman: "No he's not."
Me: "Why don't you fuck around and find out."
Rule Breaking Woman: "No thank you"
Me: "That's what I thought."
And there was never any drama at the dog park again.