Is Pepper Spraying Your Teacher for Taking Your Phone Actually a Brilliant Move That Could Improve The Way We Treat Each Other as a Society?

What an amazing and potentially revolutionary move by this student. An unprecedented response to being disciplined by a teacher. An incredible overreaction that I am absolutely here for. You do something extremely minor that I don't agree with? Well here comes 15-30 minutes of pure hell.

We're all getting a little too comfortable as a society anyways. The other day I was cut in line at McDonald's. I said, "Hey you cut me in line.", and the guy said, "I was here first." He was wrong. But he was kind of scary looking, and I've seen enough videos of psychos on the internet to know that's it's absolutely not worth confronting a stranger in New York City. I'll just wait the extra 2 minutes. But later that night when I was looking back on it, it started to eat at me. How big of a pussy am I? Do I really command that little respect? The answer is yes. I have soft features. I'm not a physically intimidating man. What does it say about me that a potentially homeless man can just step in front of me at McDonald's and not bat an eye? It says that I'm a bitch. But I'm no snitch either. So it's either risk a physical altercation with someone who appears to have nothing to lose, or tattle to the teenage girl working the register. No thanks to both of those options. I'll just tuck my tail between my legs and live to see another day.

But if I were allowed pepper spray... 

You cut me in line? Boom, pepper spray.

You hit on my girlfriend at the bar? Boom, pepper spray.

Don't like your waiters attitude? Is he being too slow with your order? See if he picks up the pace when you fire a warning spray. 

Being pushed around at a concert? Is everyone around you crowding your space? Pull out that pepper spray, hold that can out in front of you, pull the trigger, and do a full 360. See how much space you have now.

Did Clem not think my blog was worth publishing? Bet he publishes my next one after receiving a face full of mace.

You write a mean comment on my blog? Just wait until I track down your IP address, find out where you live, and send a pepper spray glitter bomb to your home. Bet that'll fix your online behavior. 

Pepper spray is the perfect weapon. It completely neutralizes your opponent. It ends all disputes. One can of mace can sit down a whole gang of ruffians. At minimum it will give you enough time to get away, or to place your McDonald's order. But most importantly when you pepper spray someone, they're going to make a full recovery, so it doesn't really hurt them in the long run (For the most part at least. I did find some articles online that say otherwise, but I think most people end up being ok. So for the sake of this ironic blog that's what I'm going with).

I'm just saying, if the threat of pepper spray for being slightly rude to others is on the table, I bet we're all a little bit nicer to each other. I bet we all show each other a little more respect.

It's bumming me out that I feel the need to say that I'm clearly fucking kidding and this would be psychotic behavior. But who knows. Maybe pepper spray is the solution to all my problems. No more getting pushed around the big city for ol' John Rich. Not when I get my hands on some face poison. Viva.