The National Museum Of Funeral History Is A Must See Attraction

When we’re on the road for KFC Radio (shows this week in Boston and Stamford) we try and get out and see the sights. There’s only so long you can sit in a hotel room between shows before you think, “I guess… I guess I’ll just masturbate again?” and absence makes the heart grow fonder so we do our best to get out and immerse ourselves in the local culture.

Last week in Houston, Texas we stumbled upon arguably our best spot yet: the National Museum of Funeral History. It’s a museum for funerals. It’s got a 4.8 google rating, a strict no gun policy, and a tremendous gift shop. 

Nick Hamilton had told us about it before we got on our flight and while it seemed like everyone else was focused on more important things like live shows, I couldn’t get the museum out of my head. I was giddy at the thought. I bet they had realistic coffins you could even test out! The second I got to my room I set a wake-up call (yes I still use them) for 9 AM and laid out me best funeral museum outfit. At 10 I knocked on Kevin’s door to say I was leaving. He was still in his underwear and when I told him I was off to the funeral museum solo he sighed and reluctantly said, “Hang on. Let me put some pants on, I’ll come with you.” When a friend knocks on your door to tell you they’ve set an alarm to be the first person of the day at the funeral museum it’s best to go with them. If you’re busy, make sure you give them a solid goodbye because it’s probably not a “see ya later” situation. 

When the rest of the team heard of the field trip they, I assume also reluctantly, decided to tag along. We piled in the car and we were off to the most magical place on earth. 

I know what you’re thinking. “Sheesh, that’s gotta be a weird vibe walking into a funeral museum.” You’d probably be right, but luckily they thought of everything and they set the tone right before you even get through the doors.

Bang. If you weren’t sure what you were in for they hit you with the 9/11 right at the entry way. “The Big One,” as they call it. Were you in a good mood before the dead body museum? Because we’d like to put a stop to that right away. Here’s a reminder IN CASE YOU FORGOT.

As soon as you pay your ten dollars and head through the turnstile you see what’s arguably the highlight of the funeral museum: the triple wide.

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What do you think the triple wide coffin is for? A big fat person? Three family members who were all in the same horse and buggy accident? Good guesses, but not quite. The Triple Wide is for a family who tragically lost their child too young. They were so grief-stricken that they went on down to the coffin builder and said, “We’re gonna need a venti. My kid died so tonight I’m murdering my wife then killing myself and we’d like to all be buried together as the happy family we clearly are.” You’d probably have questions, the coffin maker did not. He got right to work. He got to work so quickly that they didn’t even get through the “hey let’s do something fuckin’ ridiculous” stage of grief before he started so he finished the whole thing, called them to tell them it was murder/suicide time, and they said “Yeah actually can we have a refund instead? We played it out in our heads and the whole thing is actually pretty grisly.”

Oh by the way, this took place in the 1930s. I assumed it was before common sense was invented but nah, your grandparents had jobs when coffin makers were accepting murder/suicide promises. The police were a telephone call away and my man was opting to varnish up a Triple Wide instead.

There are all kinds of different exhibits at the funeral museum. You can see old hearses, the birth of the New Orleans funeral, learn how bodies were treated for the afterlife on the battlefield, Egyptian burial processes, and lots more. We didn’t spend too much time in those areas. We headed right over to the Papal Funeral section and they had a whole ordeal on Pope John Paul’s funeral. They didn’t mention this part but you could probably make the argument that his funeral was also the funeral for Catholicism, so it was a big one. The Globe’s Spotlight article was 2002 and JPII kicked it in early 2005 so that was a good time to get out. People were starting to talk, ya know.

While we were in the Papal Funeral section we also learned about the Papal Gentleman. He’s basically the Pope’s Butler. Does everything for the pope. If you’re wondering if this was when Kevin opted to say “I bet he sucked the pope’s dick” then you nailed it. The atmosphere in the funeral museum is that of a, you guessed it, funeral so don’t worry the hot chick who was at the funeral museum solo at 10 AM also heard it. If she wasn’t surely dead at her own hand by now I’d feel bad.

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The funeral museum is also a spot for children, or at least one couple thought so. I mentioned the solemn environment and if you thought the laughter of children is jarring during a relaxing day at the beach you should give it a shot while trying to learn about the embalming process. The pitter patter of tiny feet hits differently while you learn that during the Civil War they used, and I quote, “whatever they could get their hands on” to embalm soldiers who died for the “Gallant Cause.” Being in Texas I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at that phrase. When you say Gallant Cause, what exactly do you mean, Houston?

Next up we hit the Celebrity Death exhibition and that was just amazing.

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Paul Walker is prominently, and properly, remembered right in the middle. There’s also areas of remembrance for the 27 Club and The Wizard of Oz, whose display is a bit more impressive than Paul’s but he is the great and powerful, after all. I thought that Robin Williams being remembered as “the guy from the 2006 family comedy RV co-starring Cheryl Hines and singer JoJo” was going to be the most outrageous thing I saw in there, but that was before I got to Martin Luther King Jr.’s area.

For starters, I’m not sure I’d put MLK in the Celebrity section. He was more of a political figure if you ask me, what with the assassination and all. But his display? Well, it was a little smaller than the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile's. It actually shared a shelf. MLK was right up there next to other great leaders such as Bob Evans (founder of Bob Evans restaurants), Arch West (the inventor of Doritos), and Paul O’Neill (no, not that Paul O’Neill. Paul O’Neill the American composer and lyricist). MLK sharing a shelf with the second most famous Paul O’Neill is arguably more racist than murdering him was.

After that it was time to head out. We made our way to the exit, which takes you through a 9/11 exhibit just so you don’t walk out feeling any better than you walked in. But before we left we had to get a memory so we popped over to the National Museum of Funeral History Selfie Spot and said our goodbyes to old Abe.

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Fun fact about Abe Lincoln: his funeral was 20 days long. That’s a long time, particularly with what I imagine body preservation tactics were in 1865, but I also think it’s the perfect length for a funeral. It must help with the healing process. On day one you’re impossibly grief stricken at the loss of a loved one but by day 17 you have to be thinking, “alright I didn’t even like them THAT much” then boom you’re back on your feet. 

Anyway go check out the funeral museum. Bring your kids.