My List of Content People Moving To Chicago Ranked In Order Of The People I Will Miss The Most To The People I Am Glad To See Leave
Eddie recently wrote a blog where he guessed (or maybe suggested) where Barstool's New York employees would live once they moved to Chicago.
Because I am not overly familiar with Chicago neighborhoods, I didn't have much to say about this extremely well-written blog except for one thing...
I had no idea how many people were actually leaving New York.
I'm being slightly disingenuous here and probably shouldn't say "I had no idea" because The Great Exodus: Part II has obviously been a topic around the water cooler at HQ the past few months (and that water cooler is actually filled with Pirate Water... TRY SOME TODAY!).
But seeing the full list of content providers jumping ship for the first time in one blog was overwhelming, and I am not being disingenuous when I say I was unpleasantly surprised at all the people abandoning me.
So I thought I would make a list of my own... It will not be as meticulous as my good friend Eddie's, but it'll get my point across.
Without further adieu to the 16 people still reading, here is...
My List of Content People Moving To Chicago Ranked In Order Of The People I Will Miss The Most To The People I Am Glad To See Leave
#1 Starting with the person I will miss the most, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that it will be Zvataida T. Chimedza... You know him better simply as "Zah".
(Osso Buco)
When my middle son, Finnegan, received the sacrament of Confirmation a few years back, everyone who was at the party was gigantic and white… Except for one person.
In a sea of bloated Irish legends, there was a small dark dinghy bobbing up and down on those obese pale McCarthy waves.
Zvataida T. Chimedza.
Here is Zah alongside my dad and my son at the after-party…
I wrote a blog about Zah once that was meant to be scathing but wound up being the exact opposite…
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And as he is ready to shove off towards what will undoubtedly be the most exotic place he's ever visited, my family and I are absolutely GUTTED that he will not be making random trips to my home for a boozy Sunday Sauce.
The physical dichotomy that exists between his small black frame and my huge white one would probably make for the worst porn but surprisingly made for the greatest friendship.
I have no hate in my heart, nor rope in my trunk, but whoever is responsible for taking Zah from me can eat the fattest of dicks.
.
#2 is a kid I love like he is one of my own children. He co-pilots everything I do with NASCAR… An account that almost went away during the pandemic, but came back with a vengeance in big part because of this guy's passion.
It's Daniel Diorio… You know him better as "Spider."
(This was taken prior to the BudLight kerfuffle, so ease up.)
Spider and I have only done a dozen or so episodes of Rubbin' Is Racing, but we have been to nearly 30 NASCAR events together. And whether we are shooting moonshine in Daytona with Clint Boyer, sipping buttery Chardonnays in Sonoma with Kyle Busch, or smoking meth in Talladega with Jeff Gordon, there is no one I would rather ride with than Spider.
(pre-meth)
There was a time I would've said that people at Barstool don't realize just how integral Spider is to the operation, but apparently, that is not true anymore because the powers-that-be have successfully poached him to be part of the cult they are starting alongside Lake Michigan.
.
#3 Almost everyone else (except one) making the Westward leap is tied for third… There is little differentiation between the members of the Yak for me. I am fond of them all equally (except one). I find them all (except one) to be INSANELY entertaining. And I wish them all (except one) health, wealth, and happiness in the Windy City.
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Godspeed, Yaksters!
.
This brings us to the 4th and final spot on My List of Content People Moving To Chicago Ranked In Order Of The People I Will Miss The Most To The People I Am Glad To See Leave.
And as confident as I was that I would miss my dear friend Zah the most, I am equally sure I will not miss Nick Turani.
I don't dislike Nick, I just don't trust him, and the shit he talks about other employees behind their backs would make even the meanest of Mean Girls blush.
(I am leaning back in this picture because Nick also consistently has the worst breath I have ever encountered.)
I find everything wrong with the world echoed in Nick's lifestyle, and I wouldn't be surprised if he spent time on a little private island nobody talks about anymore located off the east end of St. Thomas and/or if he was part of the impending sorority controversy that HBO just fabricated at the University of Alabama.
There's an old joke: "What would you do if you were in a room with a young Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Nick Turani, and a gun with only two bullets?"
And the punchline is: "I would shoot Nick twice."
But I'd probably shoot myself twice because it seems like Nick, Adolf, and OBL would become lifelong friends (after molesting my dead body).
Safe travels to almost everyone, and gfy, Nick.
Next week I will publish a list of Content People I Wish Were Going To Chicago With Nick, and here is a subtle clue on who is number 1…
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(It's Clem.)
Take a report.
-Large
Spider and I will be covering NASCAR's Chicago Road Race the weekend of July 2nd along with 30 or 40 other employees, apparently… And you can catch all the NASCAR action every week on Rubbin' Is Racing.
And this beauty is the PERFECT Father's Day gift for dads who spend hours watching cars go around in a circle in order to avoid their families…
TAR
-L