I Want To Like The Arizona Cardinals' New Jerseys. I Really Do. They Need Something To Go Right. However...

If you look at these all-red ARIZONA Cardinals jerseys, or the super-duper bland white design they've schemed up for away games and think they are aesthetically pleasing, more power to you. To me, these ain't it.

We've got all these trivial details going on with the helmet to make the road-game white design seem like it's busier than it actually is.

Like what is with those silver flake things on the white helmet? It seems like with this particular set, too much focus was on the finer details and not enough on the macro concept design. I'm not some fashion critic but doooood. What is this? THX 1138 with a dash of red?

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Then, when everyone's meant to be roaring with good vibes in Glendale's State Farm Stadium for home games, this is what we're rolling with?

"STATE NAME ON JERSEY FOR FIRST TIME EVER" almost seems like a placeholder caption the social team forgot to edit prior to tweeting. Made me chuckle a bit not gonna lie. I'm obligated to type "ARIZONA" in all caps for the rest of this blog now. I don't make the rules. They've forced my hand(s).

Look, again. I'm not a fashion police person. Pretty bland and straightforward in that department myself. I just…feel like it's not too late to make some upgrades. Retroactively call this a soft launch. A "testing the market" if you will.

…Because when your best-looking uniform is the alternate and is damn near a rip-off of Ohio State's black getup, that's probably not a great sign.

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I will say the red flakes on the black helmet is pretty cool. Once more, it's an issue when your backup plan is your best set of new threads by far.

Am I being too harsh about the Ohio State thing? Or are my baby blue eyes lying to me?

I literally began my search for those Ohio State alts by typing "ohio state black jerseys" into Twitter's search bar. To find a photo out of curiosity and for the sake of comparison. The first hits were pitchfork-wielding critics discussing how the Cardinals' "brand-new" designs are hella derivative.

Additionally, check out all the looks the Utah Utes rock. Look familiar?

At least the players seem to kinda like 'em?

I feel for the folks in Arizona who are asking for little else beyond a competent, presentable team and organization. This was such a highly anticipated event, or so we're led to believe by the org's social media managers. The Cardinals are about to embark upon a huge rebuild. Star quarterback Kyler Murray is coming off a torn ACL. Their other two best players Budda Baker and DeAndre Hopkins — shocker, not featured in the jersey reveals! — have requested trades.

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They're making a big to-do about that "Bird Gang" slogan as well. Correct me if I'm wrong Philly or Arizona faithful, but isn't that an Eagles thing? The Iggles are certainly the more relevant franchise, so don't they get the rights to claim "Bird Gang" by default? Might be a good question for new coach and ex-Philadelphia defensive coordinator Jonathan Gannon. Is he the tiebreaker or something? Either way, not sure I'd lean into that too much, Cards.

Ugh. I feel a little bad about poking fun at this whole situation. In all seriousness, I really do. I wanted to like these. Then they were shared in the NFL group chat and…well, here I am. Resident pseudo-Cardinals guy. It had to be covered. I empathize with all involved. Not every jersey changeup is a smash hit.

But you know what, the more I think about it, the more this is starting to add up. Perhaps the Cardinals are intentionally throwing everyone off their scent with these jerseys. It's either 4D chess reverse psychology gamesmanship where everyone begins to underestimate "ARIZONA" and they rally around the cause to shock the NFL with a run to the playoffs in 2023. 

My other, more likely working theory based on conspiratorial ulterior motives: the jerseys are meant to make us forget about the Cardinals for a while as they carry out this roster and cultural overhaul. You can get the right players in the building. My concern is more with ownership. Michael Bidwill is out here lacking any sort of self-awareness whatsoever.

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All the while THIS is blaring  in the background like a crackling static boombox of toxicity:

To drive the point home one final time, I'm sorry to the Cardinals fans. You deserve better than Bidwill…and I hope these jerseys grow on you. If the team ends up having an improbably great season, doesn't really matter what the unis look like. Just won't be necessarily attributable to the "look good, feel good, play good" cliché.

Let's hope Harvey Dent's famous words from The Dark Knight about the dark of night before the dawn rings true in ARIZONA.

Twitter @MattFitz_gerald/TikTok