By a Wild Coincidence, the NFL Posts a Video of Michael Thomas' Insane Deadlift, Then Immediately Schedules a Drug Test

Even a virile, testosterone-fueled gym rat like myself has to concede that Deadlifting 530 pounds is something to be proud of. So you can appreciate Saints wideout Michael Thomas sharing this video. If I've got my facts straight, 530 lbs is slightly less than half the current world record. And unless I miss my guess, record holder Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson isn't 221 pounds, can't run a 4.57 40, and never led the NFL in receiving yards. 

So you're damned right Thomas should have posted this. And the NFL had every reason to reTweet it. A video like this helps showcase the remarkable athletes who proudly represent the league's beloved shield. I'm impressed. You're impressed. The NFL's social media geek squad is impressed. As they should be.

But they're not the only ones from league HQ who took passionate interest in Thomas' feat of strength. His deadlift also pinged the radar of the NFL's elite Urine SWAT Team:

But to be fair to Roger Goodell's PED Commandos, these tests are all random. I mean, that's the rule, correct? This was collectively bargained to keep performance enhancers from tainting the purity of this sacred game. Somewhere on Park Ave, they have a big rotating drum fill with ping pong balls with every players name on them, and whichever players' ball gets spat out, that guy gets a text from Gary telling him hold his pee until the authorities show up on his Ring camera. That's the way it all works, right? 

Yeah. About that. There seems to be a pattern of amazing coincidences around the execution of this policy … 

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Now, you can deny that there's a cause-and-effect dynamic at work here. And the NFL most certainly does. But in scientific research, you generally like to plot three data points before you start to draw a graph. I just cited four with minimal effort, just off the top of my head. All within the last eight months. And to not see a pattern here requires one to take the NFL's word for it. When taking the NFL's word for anything at all has been a sucker's bet since about the time Ginger Satan seized control. 

No one loves to talk the talk about how special and remarkable the athletes in this league are. But it's just that. Talk. Do something truly extraordinary that gets noticed, and he'll unleash his Anabolic Gestapo on you to drain your bodily fluids in the hopes he can make an example of you. By now it's obviously not a coincidence. So let this be yet another warning to every NFL player. Either keep your accomplishments off your social media, or keep up on the latest high quality masking agents. Because Goodell's spies are everywhere.