People Hanging From A Moving Car, Chicks Running Full Speed In Heels, And Good Old Fashioned Thong Punchin' Fun: The Wildest Fight Video You Will See This Week.
That's an insane 90 seconds. Too often we get a snippet of a fight video and are left to wonder who these people are and what they are all about. Not here, however. I feel like I can write a biography on every person in this video. There is character development, story arcs, and even a plot twist when you realize the girl in the blue not only held on to the car but ended up INSIDE somehow.
To set the scene, this took place on W. 6th street in downtown Cleveland. That street is home to three large clubs in a one block radius so it's pretty chaotic on the weekends. And I know this may come as a surprise after watching that video, but it has a reputation for getting a little out of hand around 2am.
I once saw a guy who was about to get jumped fend off the crowd by grabbing a scolding hot pan of gyro meat from a street meat vendor and start splashing the grease at his assailants. The crowd of dudes backed up shocked while the guy holding the pan of meat was getting slapped with a spatula by the street meat vendor he just robbed as he repeatedly yelled, "Me gyros, me gyros!"
Each and every summer some top notch fight videos come from this exact area. And kudos to the fine folks of Cleveland for not wasting these beautiful 75 degree nights and getting an absolute classic on the books half way through April.
So without further ado, let's power rank the the main characters in this Scorsese-esque masterpiece.
6. The Driver
For starters, she damn near killed at least two people. Those would be the two people getting dragged down the street like some kind of Love & Hip-Hop x Terminator 2 mashup. I'm not sure how the melee started but I know if someone would have been seriously hurt the driver would be charged.
But on top of that, how did she not get away? She has a car and those other chicks are in cocktail dresses and bare feet. Hell, even the dude with his shorts falling down and running like he is about to take a dump in his pants catches her. Worst getaway driver ever.
5. The Police
I know a bunch of cops who are sick of their bullshit assignment when I see them. Every week they stand out on that street and try to play cattle wrangler to thousands of drunken idiots who are twerking while waiting for Ubers, twerking on top of their cars, twerking on top of their Uber's car, and looking for their drunk friend who they lost while they were twerking on top of some stranger's car…possibly an Uber.
All of their heads turning simultaneously as the car speeds off with a couple of ratchet chicks hanging off the side is objectively hilarious. Zero urgency to insert themselves into the situation and even when they finally do it feels more like stern suggestions than official orders.
The look on this dude's face says it all…
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4. Girl In The Blue
This chick might be a super hero. Either that or she has the strongest grip, hair follicles, or both that any human has ever had. Of everyone in this video her story arc is easily the most insane.
The video starts with her outside the car throwing blind hay makers while her hair is being held by the girl in the passenger seat. This is every girl's go-to move in a fight. It's like pulling the hockey jersey over your opponent's head before you start throwing upper cuts. It's just a savvy veteran play.
Then the car screeches off down the street. The girl in the white is shed almost instantly but the girl in the blue is gone. Legs dangling off the side of the whip in what could have easily been a very ugly scene. But by the time the camera man makes it to the second location not only is the girl in the blue alive but she's INSIDE THE FUCKING CAR!
Forget those cops, this chick is the one who should be fighting crime. We need a bat signal for her. Whenever you see that light shining in the sky with a silhouette of a chick holding a bottle of Casamigos you know the streets are safe. Faster than a drop top Chrysler Sebring and stronger than…well…a drop top Chrysler Sebring, it's Ratchet Girl!
Then - in what can only be described as the ultimate power move - she gets out of the car, ignores the orders of the police, and proceeds to demand her watch back. You know, the watch she lost WHILE DIVING INTO A SPEEDING VEHICLE AND ASSAULTING SOMEONE. This chick would be an easy #1 if she wasn't in fact assaulting someone.
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3. The Track Twins
Speaking of fast, did you see the wheels on the the girls in the purple and green dresses?! The girl in the purple is moving so fast she's a freaking blur in the video. These two look like they're draft ready and I wouldn't be surprised if they catch some late round attention from NFL scouts. The Raiders are always willing to risk a draft pick on raw speed.
Here's the question I have. Do girls not know their ass or tits are hanging out while they fight? I'm serious. It's such a common thing in these videos and the women make almost zero attempt to rectify the situation. So does she not care or does she not know. And then later she will watch back the video and be like, "damnit not again!" Aren't your cheeks feeling a little breezy there, sweetheart?
But kudos to her for wearing the matching thong. If you're gonna be assed out in public you might as well look fly while you do it.
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2. The Camera Man
We never get to see this master of his craft but he deserves the #2 spot. I'm going to assume it's this fella realtalkrome. Rome is committed to getting the entire scene and not satisfied with just the initial action. That's someone going above and beyond.
And when he reaches the second location he finds the best possible spot to shoot. A side angle where all parties are visible. He is close enough to catch all the chaos without any obstructions but not too close where the police shoo him away. His camera blocking is perfection.
Even when someone wanders into his shot he moves around the pocket like a young Tom Brady, slide stepping back into the perfect location. He captured the punches, he captured the car chase scene, and he captured the thong. Give my man the Oscar for Best Director NOW.
1. The Young Man In The White Polo
And people say that chivalry and romance is dead. That this generation doesn't know how to treat a lady and make her feel special. This dude proved all those haters wrong in one 90 second video.
His chick got dragged down a thoroughfare by her braids and this dude immediately sprung into action. Despite all the factors working against him (pants falling down, heavy police presence) he tracked down that car like a linebacker getting sideline to sideline on a bubble screen. When he finally catches up with the car he doesn't pull his girl out immediately. Not because he doesn't care but because he's already thinking two steps ahead.
He reaches into the car and slams that shit into park. I bet he even pulled the parking break. Because otherwise that girl would have probably just put it in drive again and taken off again. But you can tell just by looking at the driver she has zero clue how to work the parking break and has driven home on more than one occasion with that shit engaged.
He then proceeds to pull his girl out of the car and stand by her side while she screams bloody murder calmly asks for her watch. He didn't spend $89 on that thing from the that middle of the mall kiosk just to have it lost in a little tussle. That was a sign of his love and commitment. And you might call him old fashioned but that mean something to him.
This is a man we can all aspire to be. When life gives you a 700 foot death ride by the roots of your braids, be like this guy. Calm, collected, and a god damn gentlemen.