The Cubs Might Have Solved Their Cup Snake Problem By Introducing The Revolutionary, 26 oz. "Beer Bat" At The Friendly Confines
By now everybody knows the Chicago Cubs' hatred of cup snakes and the all-out war they declared on them a few summers ago. Our own Barstool Carl caught enough shrapnel that he's still picking it out of his ass.
As the only Barstool employee with a World Series ring, and the title of "Unsung World Series Hero", I still feel very conflicted in this matter as my allegiance and loyalty is tested by both sides.
Was the outrage over something so ridiculous a little overblown? Yah.
Could the Cubs just have ignored the issue and it would have worn itself out and gone away on its own, instead of making a big thing out of it and inciting fans to rebel and make it worse? Yes, probably.
Regardless of all the hubbub, is catching a game at Wrigley Field on a sunny summer day in Chicago still the best experience in sports? Very much so.
All the above can be true, and in my opinion, are, which is why I am delighted to see that the Cubs brain trust has rolled out such a great solution- the beer bat.
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Who cares if this olive branch, in the form of a more expensive vessel to house your Great Tasting, Less Filling Miller Lite, (or Old Style) can't be stacked 16 rows long like a boa constrictor? The people fucking love them!
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This is why the Ricketts family stay billionaires. Not because they're the smartest people in the business. But because they hire the smartest people in the business. Whoever the $20/hr Cubs marketing big brain is who thought up this idea, only to have it stolen by middle management and ran up the ladder as their own deserves a monster raise. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. Nip the dreaded snake problem in the bud, while at the same time getting fans fired the fuck up about the hottest new drinking souvenir. All while lining your pockets with $30 draft beers. Only in America.
A true win-win for everybody that you can't help but smile about.
But wait…
Oh no…
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That's the Texas Rattlesnake's music
Well, shit.
Now does modern physics lead me to believe beer bats can be "stacked" from the video board to the nets down in front? No. And I'm sure the Cubs brass conducted plenty of focus groups, and fielding testing before rolling these babies out. But none of that means the Cubs bleacher bums will be outdone or discouraged.
As Ian Malcolm famously said, "life, always finds a way…"