'Twas The Night Before Mobile Sports Gambling Became Legal in Massachusetts

Twas the night before Mass. Gambling and all through the state

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Nate

The app stores were ready to be opened with care

In hopes the Barstool Sportsbook would soon be live there

The 21 AND OVER ADULTS were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of Parlay Pluses danced in their heads

Mintz in his kerchief and I in my shorts

Had just settled down to write his daily reports

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

A startled Mintzy got up and shrieked “Sup fellas, what’s the matter?”

We scurried to the window but then had to pause

Mintz had to take a quick call about Hogs For The Cause

But then what to my wondering eyes should I see 

But a miniature sleigh and eight Barstool employees

With a driver so handsome, rich, tan, funny, charming, and brave

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Well I knew in a moment, it must be St. Dave

More rapid than eagles, his bloggers they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

“On Big Cat, on Clancy, on PFT, and Handsome Hank

On Zah, on Spider, on Glenny and Frank the Tank!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the walls

Now, dash away, dash away, dash away Balls!”

So up to the rooftop the bloggers they flew

With a sleigh full of Barstool Exclusives and St. Portnoy too

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

Frank the Tank yelling something about “motherfucking Darin Ruf”

As I drew in my head and was turning around

Down the chimney St. Portnoy came with a bound

He was dressed in all leather from his head to his toes

He looked like a man one bad shoulder away from the pros

A bundle of promo offers he he had flung on his back

A bevy of Boston Bonus bets filled up the sack 

His eyes, how they twinkled, blue enough to turn a straight man gay

His cheeks were like roses, his nose not nearly as big as they say 

His droll little mouth was drawn up in a smile

His beard one of the most perfectly shaved I’ve seen in awhile

I saw his narrow face and his six pack of abs as I lurked

I guess doing that sit up club must have actually worked

His hair looked like a surfer and his tan was quite super

For a second I thought he might’ve been Bradley Cooper

He spoke not a word as he imagined his enemies in ruins

Filling the stockings with bonus bets for the Celtics and Bruins

As he rose up the chimney, I heard him whisper quite low

“Hey Boston, make sure you bet with the guys that you know”

He sprang to his sleigh, and his team got to their seats

Frank the Tank yelling about his order from Uber Eats 

But I heard Dave exclaim as he drove out of sight

“Responsible Betting to all and to all a goodnight”