Like Clockwork: The NFL Demands A Drug Test From DK Metcalf After His Viral Catch Video And NBA All-Star Celebrity Game MVP Win

Matt Fitzgerald2/19/2023 8:43 PM

I could lead this by saying, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" and getting all outraged, but it's so transparent and stupid that you can't help but just laugh and make fun of it without letting anger enter the equation.

Oh, now is the time when the NFL decides that Seattle Seahawks wide receiver DK Metcalf might actually be on some sort of performance-enhancing drug? Maybe they'll find out he has Flubber on the bottom of his shoes for that nutso football catch. Or they'll strip him of his basketball-related MVP award if they can't handle the simple reality that DK is the textbook definition of being "built different" than the rest of us.

We all know by now that the 6-foot-4, 235-pound behemoth who once upon a time made his former Ole Miss teammate AJ Brown look like an undersized slot is just this freakishly physically gifted.

Speaking of AJ Brown, remember this from earlier in the season?

What a joke. This is not an uncommon thing but it's especially worth noting given the otherworldly physical dimensions that are Metcalf's whole anatomy. He's like the 8.0 lab-created version of Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.

ICYMI: With a line of 20 points, 10 boards and four blocks, Metcalf took home MVP honors as he led Team Dwyane Wade to an 81-78 win over Team Ryan Smith in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game on Friday night.

Uhh yeah…maybe Metcalf is on some kind of magical potion to make him stronger. Then again, when you look at some of the public-record evidence, you realize how absurd this is.

If you consider bags of candy and excess sugar to be PEDs, then yeah, Metcalf is guilty as charged. That piss is totally gonna come back positive for heightened levels of sweetness. One of the first blogs I remember writing for Barstool was about how awful DK's diet appears to be.

This dude is the NFL equivalent of the NBA's Prime Dwight Howard or Lamar Odom if you like. Damn near zero regard for nutrition. Or I guess you could call it, like, some warped version of intermittent fasting?

But PEDs? LOL. Pretty sure Metcalf would've been found out by now. Dude's dietary choices don't matter in the slightest. With the type of force, athletic explosiveness and year-round training he puts himself through, Metcalf burns off anything and everything he puts in his body in short order. STILL. I can't imagine what it would be like if Metcalf actually dialed in his diet a little more. Nothing crazy, just not assloads of candy and what not.

I'm starting to think the 40.5-inch vertical leap Metcalf recorded at the 2019 NFL Scouting Combine was a fucking off day for him. it stands to reason that he's only gotten stronger as he's been able to focus on football full-time since his injury-plagued days at Ole Miss.Can't wait to see what the result of DK Metcalf's "random" NFL-issued drug test is. Holding my breath with anticipation. SUSPENSION INCOMING.