"BLOW ME!", said the little fucking snowflake...

When I was a kid growing up in the '60s, every winter, I slung a snow shovel over my shoulder and went through the neighborhood in search of driveways to shovel. That was how my friends and I made money. When I finally became a homeowner in 1987 at age 31, I continued that tradition by shoveling my own driveway. When my three boys were old enough, they started helping. Despite their youth, I still kicked their collective asses when it came to working a shovel and moving large amounts of snow. They never admitted it, but they were in awe of my incredible shoveling skills. Oh yeah, they were. I'm a badass boomer who can flat-out shovel!

I continued shoveling after they moved out, and I never minded doing it. It's great exercise, and I always shoveled right down to pavement, constantly reminding my wife that she had the cleanest driveway in town. And she did, I made sure of it.

When I turned 55, my wife began pushing hard, trying to get me to buy a snow blower, but being a creature of habit, I refused to give in to age; I just wasn't ready to surrender that part of my life. I may have complained a little, but if I'm being honest, I always enjoyed the challenge. My driveway is 20' wide x 70' long, and there's a walk and some more pavement in the side yard leading to my two sheds. It's a lot of work, especially if I do the deck too.

I'll admit, the last couple of years, it's been getting more difficult, especially when we have a foot or more, but I was unwilling to give up my shovel in favor of a snow blower, despite my wife heckling the crap out of me on a regular basis, which was a lot like water torcher.

Then, when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and given my first shot of Lupron, a hormone suppressor and Testosterone blocker, I was told it would have some serious side effects, including loss of muscle tone and a decreased energy level, two things I needed in order to shovel my big fucking driveway. My wife pounced all over it, "You need to buy a snow blower! You won't be able to shovel the driveway yourself!" Then she asked, "Do you wanna die?" She kinda got to me with that one…

I put it off until early October, and that's when I began my internet search. It didn't take long to realize there was a serious supply issue. Although plenty of stores advertised snow blowers, very few had them in stock, and many vendors had no idea when they'd be back in inventory.

I grew up liking Toro power equipment. I had two Toro lawnmowers, each lasting 16 years, and they had always performed well and started on the first or second pull. I began looking for a Toro Power Max…

Shopping for a snow blower gets complicated. How big? 24", 26", 28", 30, or 32"? I wanted one that was big enough to do the job but not so big it was bitch to handle and took up too much room in my shed. And then there's single-stage or two-stage. My next-door neighbor has had a snow blower for years, and he told me to be sure to get a model with an LED light and hand warmers. I listened to his advice and continued looking…

As much as I wanted to buy one from a legitimate power equipment store, Home Depot had a 26" two-stage Power Max with an LED light, hand warmers, and an electric starter at a decent price. 

My palms got a bit sweaty as I stared at the pay screen, and it was at that moment I decided to go all in and buy the cover too. With tax, it came to just under $1,700… It pained me to do it, but I hit "PAY"…

It was supposed to arrive on a Friday, and my intention was to clean out one of my sheds Wednesday-Thursday, but then I heard a truck in my driveway, it was the snow blower. I ran out and told the young delivery person the delivery was set up for Friday, not Wednesday. He brushed it off and said everything always gets delivered early. Okay, I'd have to leave it in my yard until I cleaned out my big shed. 

When he opened the door to his delivery truck, I saw a box marked Toro. The problem was it was vertical, standing on end, not flat on the floor the way it was supposed to be. And to make matters worse, the long end of the box was open. I immediately approached the delivery guy and said it shouldn't be standing upright, and if the box is open, it could be damaged. He said it was fine. I offered to get some tape before he attempted to move it, but he was quick to say it was okay and not to worry. He wheeled it onto the electric tailgate, lowered it, and then wheeled it over to my sheds and set it down the correct way. I looked in the cardboard box, no wooden skid, and I said to the kid, "If there's anything wrong with it, I don't want it." He said it was fine and if there was anything wrong to call Home Depot, they'd take it back. Then he handed me a small plastic cover he said fell off one of the handles, and he pointed to a hole in the side of the box… I wasn't feeling good about this, but knowing there was a supply shortage, I figured I may as well take it and see if it was okay…

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It had been a while since I gave my shed a thorough cleaning, and it was a mess. I started moving stuff and throwing a lot out. When you get older reality sets in. All the shit I valued and saved my entire adult life has absolutely no value to my kids, and keeping the stuff just makes more work for them when I'm gone. Between needing space and having cancer, I had no problem tossing a lot of shit. My rule was, "If I hadn't touched it in 10 years, it's gone!"

I spent an entire day cleaning the big shed. The following day I opened the box, read the directions, and started preparing to put it together.

When I started removing the snow blower from the box, I noticed the part that came out of the quick stick was bent right where the hole in the box was. I wasn't totally sure it was damaged yet. I thought maybe it was supposed to be bent, so I took it out and attempted to put it together…

Once I had it out, I tried to connect the second part of the linkage to it, and it was definitely damaged during shipping and was not supposed to be bent. I considered trying to straighten it out, but one look at it, and I knew it couldn't be fixed, it had to be replaced. I headed into the house and called Home Depot's 800 number…

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The woman I spoke with insisted it should be returned, saying, "If there's one thing wrong, there could be other things wrong as well. I'll write up a return…"

While she was doing it, I told her I needed another one, pronto! She said I could buy another one, but not until the return was complete would I receive a credit. Fuck! Now I'd be in the hole for close to $3,300! I had to do it right away before there were no more available. She said the bad snow blower would be picked up in 2-3 days. I told her I had room for a new one but no place to put the defective one. She said not to worry, "Just leave it outside in the box…"

The snow blower looked great, but it was damaged and had to go back into the box!

The customer service agent found one for me in Seekonk. I called the Seekonk store, and the girl I spoke to said they didn't have one, but Mansfield did. I called Mansfield and purchased another one. They said they could deliver it the following day between 8-5, but as luck would have it, I had my first radiation treatment that morning, and I needed it delivered after 2:00… She said there was an additional charge of $20 if I wanted a specific time. What could I do, I agreed to pay the additional delivery fee.  

I was getting ready for my first radiation treatment the next morning when I got a text that the delivery truck was 10 minutes away. I immediately texted back about paying extra for delivery after 2:00. I looked out my window, and there it was, in my driveway, put together, with no box. The delivery person was nowhere in site… Fuck! I had to shower and be at the radiation oncology center in a half hour, and I couldn't leave the new Toro in my driveway where it could get stolen…

I didn't have time to check the oil, fuel it, and read the startup procedures, so I immediately went out and attempted to push it into my shed, but the steep ramp made it difficult to do myself. I called my next-door neighbor, and he came over and gave me a hand…

I called my wife at work and told her what happened and that this was why I never bought a fucking snow blower!

The defective machine remained in my yard for close to three weeks despite my frequent calls. I didn't receive a credit until days after it was finally picked up. 

I went through the new machine, and it was probably one of the display models, but at least it was put together and ready to go. I checked the oil and then started it up. Seems to be okay, but I really won't know until I use it. 

It used to be if you washed your car, it would undoubtedly rain. Well, I finally bought a snow blower, and it's mid-February, and we haven't had any major snowstorms yet. But my new Toro Power Max is sitting comfortably in my big shed, fueled up, ready, and waiting…

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What's the moral of the story? Buy your power equipment from a power equipment store!                                                              

Here's one of my favorite "snow tunes"…

You want more Zappa? (He plays a mean guitar!)

I can never get enough Zappa…

Don't underestimate Zappa. His IQ is said to have been 172… RIP Frank!