The Mullet Is Gone!! Quinn Ewers Lopped Off His Gorgeous Locks To Prove To Arch Manning He Is All Business, No Party In The Back

Matt Fitzgerald2/10/2023 5:15 PM

Tim Warner. Getty Images.

LOOK AT THAT LION'S MANE. The upfront business, festive back of Quinn Ewers' hairdo combined with a sick ability to throw a football scored him many an NIL deal when he was a consensus No. 1, 5-star recruit. I'm sad to report that Ewers decided to change up his style.

Giphy Images.

My question is: WHY? When you have that much sod on your scalp, and you can actually pull off a fucking mullet, why wouldn't you ride that out for as long as you can!?!? QUINN, you're killing me bro! I'm only kidding of course, do whatever you want. I'd just be superstitious, like the mullet had some sort of transcendent power. If I were Ewers strutting around on the gridiron with a mullet beneath my helmet, knowing it'd still probably look cool even with sweat/hat hair matting it all down, I'd be slinging that rock with the confidence of Joe Burrow for as long as I could play.

Arch Manning is coming to Austin. Looks like the former Mullet Man made a statement as if to say, "I'm all business up top now, Arch. You're not taking my job from me." That's the only reason I can think of that Ewers would make this call. Maybe it's a temporary stunt to fuck with Arch's head. Who knows!? I'm shook!!!

Whatever he decides to do with his wondrous tresses, I'm sure Ewers will still realize his destiny as a Heisman Trophy-contending quarterback. You might scoff at that in light of his 58.1% completion rate from this last season. To me, it's only going to drive Ewers to take a huge leap forward as a redshirt sophomore. As is the presence of the latest Manning prodigy. The offense will be more centered around him now that studly tailback Bijan Robinson is heading to the NFL.

Why do I project a steep trajectory of progress? Ewers was so good coming out of high school that he left a year early to go to Ohio State, only to transfer back home to Texas for his proper freshman season. To start so soon under a demanding head coach and offensive guru in Steve Sarkisian goes to show that Ewers was already flashing enough potential to merit getting thrown into the fire. I'll always wonder how the trajectory of his season could've been different had he not gotten injured early on against Alabama.

Anywho, Ewers' snappy delivery, crazy natural arm talent and, yes, his mullet have him earning $779,000 per year from five different NIL endorsement deals, per on3.com.

Sounds pretty good, right? Welp, the site lists Arch Manning at a whopping $3.8 million in annual NIL value.

This Arch-Quinn QB derby could be the most exciting quarterback competition in college football history. Unless Sark convinces Arch to redshirt for a year while Ewers tries to work his way into a first-round NFL Draft prospect. I'd be pretty surprised yet not totally shocked if Ewers managed to do that. Other than Caleb Williams and Drake Maye, the prospective 2024 QB draft class has room for someone like Ewers to rise up. But the situation with Arch waiting in the wings makes for a tricky predicament for the entire Longhorns program.

McConaughey, get out there and talk to Quinn. Make sure he's OK. Put that Minister of Culture role to good use and deploy those acting chops if you have to as a means of getting Ewers to grow that mullet out again. I must behold it on college football Saturdays for at least another season. It's glorious.