A Priest Claims He Died And Went To Hell Where Demons Were Singing Rihanna’s “Umbrella” On An Endless Loop. I Can Think Of So Many Worse Songs To Be Tortured With For Eternity.

Yahoo News- A Michigan priest says he (temporarily) went to hell—and now he's sharing details from his journey to the underworld that may offend some music lovers. Gerald Johnson says he died in 2016 after suffering a heart attack, and what he saw—and more specifically, heard—was horrifying. Johnson says he saw terrible, gruesome sights of torture and pain, and heard music that was designed to cause maximum trauma. Here's what he says he heard during his death experience.

He says instead of heading straight for Heaven as expected, he went the other way, down into the pits of Hell. "I thought I did so much good during my life and that I helped so many people, but even so, I went down [to Hell]," he says.

Johnson claims Hell was much worse than he could ever imagine. "I entered the very center of the Earth," Johnson says. "The things I saw there are indescribable. It brings up so many difficult feelings when I talk about it. I was there and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't care what he did to me. No one deserves that."

Johnson says there is a section of Hell where music is played… but very badly. The priest claims he could hear Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy" being used as instruments for torture. To make things significantly worse, the demon choir performing these songs was deliberately performing them incorrectly for maximum pain. "Every word of every song was made to torture you for the fact that you didn't worship God through music while you were on Earth," Johnson says.

Whoa. A lot to unpack here. 

First off, when I read this headline last night my heart skipped a beat. I thought for a second our dear friend had joined the clergy, become a priest, moved to Michigan, died and went to hell where he was tortured by Rihanna. Thankfully, upon reading the story his name was not REDACTED. Phew.

But I have a few bones to pick with Gerald Johnson here over his story.

Being named after a guy who pretty much wrote the book on hell (literally), I feel somewhat inclined to weigh in here.

Secondly, if a man of God is headed to hell, I don’t think it takes you being a rocket scientist to realize the rest of us are completely fucked. 

Seriously what’s even the point?

This guy had supposedly devoted his whole life to God and saving wretched souls like us, and even he can’t make the cut? Holy shit man. Heaven has gotta be the most exclusive club ever. 

Thirdly, "Umbrella" fucks. Lie to yourself all you want, Rihanna has the voice of an angel and makes bangers. "Umbrella" being one of her best.

So for this guy to have heard a version so excruciating, Satan and his minions must have really fucked with it.

Here are 5 songs off the top of my head that cause torture here in the actual world without even needing hellfire and brimstone thrown in the mix.

5- "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex

Here's one of those songs you hear once and it doesn't really bother you. If it's been a while since you heard it, or it crossed your mind, you might even enjoy it. But like deep dish pizza, once is more than enough to hold you over for a long, long time. If you had to hear this on repeat I'm willing to wager that come time number 10 or 11 you'd be going ballistic.

4- "I Got You Babe" By Sonny & Cher

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This selection is solely based upon one of my favorite movies, "Groundhog Day". Seeing Phil wake up morning after morning to the sounds of Sonny and Cher was funny the first few times. After hearing it for the 20th time though you could see why he was hopping in the bathtub with a toaster. This song could drive the sanest of us crazy.

3- "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus

Just a trainwreck of a tune that really doesn't even need to be altered in any way, shape, or form to make your ears bleed.

2- "Before You Go" by Lewis Capaldi

This is a personal selection. I consider myself a lover of all music genres. I try to find something to like about almost any song I hear. Something to respect about the artist putting their work out to the public. After all, it is "art". 

But not this fucking song.

This song is fucking nails on a chalkboard combined with chainsaws thrown in a wood chipper. The absolute worst. 

How it is STILL on the radio 5 years later, in regular rotation, sometimes makes me question, "am I already in hell?" Or am I just being prepared? 

Each time I hear this schlub whine "sooooooooo before you goooooooooo" like a little bitch in that horrible tone I feel legitimate pain. This song is torture. 

1- "The Song That Never Ends" by Lambchop

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There it is folks. This is the song that plays in hell, probably at 50% tempo to give it that weird, dark, distorted sound. But this is the song that would break the strongest of the strong. I think if you played this for a team of Navy Seals, even they would begin to cave after a few hours. I apologize for even blogging this because now it will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day and there's a good chance you might snap on your commute home and murder somebody in cold blood. 

Here was Colin our co-host from Backstage's take -