Elizabeth Hurley Makes it Abundantly Clear She is NOT the Hot Older Woman Who Swiped Prince Harry's V-Card 20 Years Ago

KOEN VAN WEEL. Getty Images.

As a general rule, I don't think there's a topic with a more disproportionate ratio of News Coverage-to-Give a Shit for the average American male than the Royal Family. 

Speaking for those of us in this business, news days don't get any slower than when you check your go-to sites to look for blogworthy current events and they're hammering away at Royals gossip. I'm not exaggerating when I say earlier this week, one of my top Twitter follows was batting about .800 when it came to Harry and Meghan posts. Not one of which was worth reading the headline, much less clicking the link. 

Yet the inverse of that ratio is Elizabeth Hurley. Who can't get enough attention. No matter how hard we try:

So, when a Royals story just happens to be Elizabeth Hurley-adjacent, it automatically achieves blogworthy status. As with any inverse fractions, when you multiply them together, it comes out to 1/1 = 1. It's science. 

It seems Prince Harry, the one who quit being a Prince and living in a castle the rest of his life in order to marry the seventh model from the left in the middle row on Deal or No Deal:

… just released a book. Thus all the unwelcome news coverage this week. In it, he apparently trashes the insanely wealthy family he was cosmically fortunate to be born into. He also puts his kill rate of Taliban fighters about 25. So much respect to him for risking his life of unimaginable comfort to take out some of the most loathesome people on the planet. It's hard to imagine one man in 100 million who found themselves in his position would put himself in harm's way like that.

And, like any world figure who publishes his memoirs, shares the story of how he first experienced the touch of a woman. (I mean, what a snoozefest Nixon's Six Crises would've been if he didn't include that steamy part about boning a coed at that Duke Law School mixer in the 1930s.) Sex sells. 

So here's a rundown of Harry's oversharing: 

Daily Mail - Harry reveals how he lost his virginity in 2001 aged 17 to an older woman who 'liked macho horses' in a 'field behind a very busy pub' - believed to have been the Rattlebone Inn in Wiltshire. 

'I mounted her quickly, after which she spanked my ass and sent me away,' he said.

Which understandably led all of Western Civilization to jump to the same conclusion. Because you simply cannot hear mentions of the UK, sex, older women, and the last 35 years without Elizabeth Hurley immediately popping into your mind. 

But it was not to be. Hurley wasted no time shooting down that speculation as soon as it began:

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DM again - Liz Hurley has denied she is the mystery 'beautiful older woman' Prince Harry reportedly lost his virginity to.

The 57-year-old actor was asked about the rumour during an interview with the Saturday Times magazine. …

When asked about whether the rumour that it was her is true, Liz replied: 'Not me. Not guilty. Ha!', before going on to add 'No. Not me. Absolutely not'.

I'm surprised by my own reaction to this news, but I'm oddly torn about it. As ridiculous as I think it is for a modern, civilized 21st century society to play fairy tale games with pretend prince and princesses and their fake superior bloodlines, what's the point of being born into British Royalty if you're not losing your virginity to Elizabeth Hurley? If you're going to have to settle for some barmaid at the Rattlebone Inn, some Real Housewife of Wiltshire, some UK 5.5, you're not doing it right. You might as well be the son of a phone company technician in Weymouth, MA. 

On the other hand, Liz Hurley is a prize more valuable than any claim to the throne. Sure, you might be to the manor born. Your family may be the wealthiest landowners on the planet. But there's only one of her. And she should be a meritocracy. She is to be earned, not inherited along with your titles. That was true back when Harry was 17, and it's just as true today. If not more so.

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Anyway, that first Daily Mail link had a list of the MILFs and Cougars they speculate made have been Harry's Stifler's Mom. Check for yourself, but none of them pinged by cultural radar. Mainly because none of them are Liz. Because like Highlander, there can be only one.