49 Year Old Terrell Owens WILL NOT Be Returning To The NFL Because The Cowboys "Wouldn't Pay Him Enough"

Does this story not come across your desk at least once per year? It grabs my attention every time it happens. 

It's always framed the same way, and this time was no different. "Terrell Owens has been in talks with x team about a possible return." But then when you read into it, it sounds like TO's people are initiating every conversation, and if a team does as much as pick up the phone, his agent announces to world that TO is "In discussions about returning to the NFL."

Obviously, we would all love to see TO make a comeback at nearly 50 years old. Maybe not for our teams, but it would be fun to see it play out somewhere. 

Here are the most recent quotes from Terrell Eldorado Owens agent (yes I just learned his middle name is Eldorado)

Sports Illustrated - "We've been in constant communication with Jerry Jones' office over the last few days about the possibility of him returning to the Cowboys," Daniel said. "Terrell is ready to contribute and play any role, big or small. He's in outstanding shape. He looks no different than he did years ago. I watched him running routes full-speed with DeSean and he looked great. He didn't drop a pass. 

"Constant communication" sounded promising. However, TO is reportedly in "constant communication" with Jerry Jones office. Which probably means he's just speaking with Jerry Jones Secretary. It's probably in the Secretary's job description that when TO calls the office, they need to "hear him out", and "make him feel valued". Like when a sales person calls your phone at work and you say, "Absolutely we might be interested in your product! Let me get your name and number and I'll run it by my boss this afternoon. We'll give you a call back later. Thanks so much!" But in reality you didn't take down any information, and just hope the sales person doesn't follow up.

TO's agent always throws out some impressive numbers, along with a story about TO performing some type of obnoxious workout at a ridiculous time of day.

Sports Illustrated - "He most recently ran a 4.5 40-yard dash, which was his warm-up. He's a legend. We want to make history and see him break these records. If anybody can do it, it's him. His three Ds are desire, dedication and discipline. He embodies that every day, even running hills at 3 a.m. on Christmas morning."

But in the end, nothing happens. Because nobody was ever really interested in the first place. Right?

WRONG.

Apparently, the Cowboys really were interested. Since I started writing this blog, stupidly named NFL Reporter Dov Kleiman dropped this interesting piece of information.

What the hell TO? I thought you wanted to break records? I thought your 3 D's were in order? I was under the impression that you would do anything to play in the NFL again. 

I'm admittedly not fully up to date on TO's finances, but last I checked he was a broke bitch. The minimum salary for NFL players is like $700,000. What the fuck else are you doing?! Is there another terrible business endeavor that's taking up too much of your time? Are the T.O's Honey Toasted Oats royalty checks finally hitting. Is your Wine/Clothing/Fitness Tips OnlyFans business really taking off?

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I never expected Terrell Owens to actually make a comeback to the league, but I always took his word for it that he wanted to. But lets be real. The Cowboys were never going to sign TO in the first place. Are we supposed to believe that there is a number TO could have agreed to that would have made the Cowboys open up a roster spot for him right before the playoffs? More likely than not, TO's agent is trying to save face by saying the Cowboys didn't offer him enough money, when in reality they were never going to offer him shit. Kind of a slap in the face by TO to get everyone's hopes up, then be like, "Well I could have made a comeback to the league, they just didn't pay me enough." Big waste of time.

Whatever… TO will be "attempting" to make a comeback to the NFL until long after he's dead. In 2090, a posthumous TO will emerge from some sort of Walt Disney cryogenic chamber in the "best shape of his life" with a 36 pack of abs and a dick that hangs below his knees. He'll rip 500 pushups in his driveway, catch 1000 balls in a row out with one hand tied behind his back, and demand to speak with a 147 year-old Jerry Jones who somehow still alive, and has since moved the Cowboys to Mars.