Sam Bankman-Fried's Lawyers Hilariously Botch Straight Forward Hearing

Rebecca Blackwell. Shutterstock Images.

Arguably the only way SBF's legal team could be worse is if they walked into the courtroom and opened with "Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?"

You might recall that over the weekend rumors started swirling that SBF planned to ask a judge for extradition to the US.

And that's exactly what he intended to do Monday. Just one problem: he didn’t tell his lawyers. Well, he told one of his lawyers. You see, SBF has a law team in the Bahamas and one in the States.

High profile attorney Mark Cohen, who recently defended Ghislaine Maxwell (poorly), heads up his US team. But it appears that SBF hired the Cellino & Barnes of the West Indies to represent him in the Bahamas. Exhibit A: his lawyer showed up to court today without so much as clue that SBF wanted to waive his right to an extradition hearing and head Stateside…

Bloomberg - “Whatever trail got him here this morning, it did not involve me. I am not at the front of what is going on here, I am reacting.”

Act like you’ve been there before, my man.

The judge was big mad at everyone for wasting his time. Understandably so. He sent SBF back to that disgusting shithole of a prison. And his law team home. It sounds like they'll get another chance on Tuesday. No pressure.

Of course, it's not entirely clear why Sam is so eager to head back to the US, besides potentially having a chance at bail. If he thought his gang bang days were behind him, he's sorely mistaken. His former associates, led by former Alameda CEO (and reportedly his ex) Caroline Ellison, are lining up to totally fuck him (legally).

Caroline whose hobbies include methamphetamine consumption and dipping her pen in the company ink, has reportedly flipped on her ex fuck buddy and is cooperating with authorities.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why you pony up (read: use stolen FTX customer funds that you have stashed offshore) for a Johnny Cochran instead of a Jackie Chiles Attorney at Law.

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