The Patriots Gift to the World is the Worst Play in NFL History. Merry Christmas!

There are so many things I would rather be doing than this right now. So, so, so many things. Enjoying a nice glass of wine by the fireplace. Watching a nice Christmas movie. Enjoying the love of my family during this most joyous of seasons. Curling up in the fetal position in the shower. Walking into the ocean with all my clothes on, never to be heard from again is also a preferable option to being here right now posting about this. 

But being a blogger comes with certain benefits. And as the most overquoted superhero line of all time has so often told me, with great benefit comes great responsibility. When the team you've built your career on just set the gold standard for terrible plays, everything you'd prefer spending your time on becomes irrelevant. Duty calls. 

Congratulations, Jets. The Buttfumble is off the table. Step aside, Colts Catastrophe fake punt play. Jim "Wrong Way" Marshall? Come back to us. All is forgiven. Leon "Lett It Go" is off the hook. In fact, all of the NFL's Top 10 Worst Plays are on parole.

The Patriots are now the lone inmates in that prison with the final play of this colossal disaster. 

I can't process it. I don't want to. I'd rather forget it ever happened, change my name, and go wander the Earth searching for meaning like Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu. But I'm left with no choice but to own this. The world has hated the Patriots for the better part of 20 years. Consequently, they've hated those of us who love, support, defend, and appreciate the Patriots. And from time to time, the haters have had their moments. The Super Bowls That Shall Not Be Named I and II. Losing at home in the playoffs to Rex Ryan's Jets. The Philly Special. Losing Tom Brady. And while tonight doesn't have the historic impact those did, losing this one the way they did will still go down in legend. It'll be a story you'll tell your kids and grandkids at the end of every close game as a reminder of the bananas things that can happen in football. 

Easily 999 times out of 1,000, the team with the ball and :03 on the clock takes a seven-step drop, runs four verticals, chucks it up and hopes for the best. Worst case scenario? A sack. Best case scenario? A touchdown. Middle case scenario? A defensive penalty gives you another shot. But Matt Patricia is that 1 in 1,000. He decides to run a draw play followed by all the hooks and all the ladders. And as anyone not named Matt Patricia could've told you, it was a bad idea. Just no one could've predicted it would be THIS bad. But that is this season for us.

And in blowing it this way, the 2022 Patriots have given us the image that will ever define this relentlessly bizarre, inexplicable, dysfunctional season. It's this one:

John Locher. Shutterstock Images.

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Honestly, I can't conceive of anything more humiliating. This must be what it feels like to be part of an orgy that goes horribly wrong. Where your private shame is totally public. On display for the whole world to witness and talk about until the Heat Death of the universe. Knowing you can never speak of it or even look anyone in the eye again.

So enjoy, human race. This is what our reality is now. It's our lot in life. It's not a lot, but it's our life. I'll have many more thoughts in the morning. But until then, here's my gift to you. The 2022 Patriots present you with the Festivus Miracle that will keep giving all year long, and for all the years to come. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go question my existence.