One Reason The Quarterback Of Your Favorite NFL Team Is Overpaid
It's probably just the fact that I am pissed off the Browns lost this weekend but I have been thinking a lot about how much money quarterbacks make in the NFL. I understand that a QB's value is more than just the sum of the team's victories, and I'm not one to pocket check another guy, but some of these dudes should be charged with robbery.
Of the top-20 highest paid QBs this year (total cash compensation) only four of them will be starting this coming weekend for a team with a record better than .500. Think about that. You know there are some NFL owners who are sitting there like…
It's the holidays and like most people, I am broke as a joke. Just looking at what some of these bums are earning pisses me off. I'm over here considering knocking off a convenient store so I can afford a gift for an aunt I see once a year and meanwhile Russell Wilson made $57 Million this year and has been eliminated from the playoffs in Week 14.
Since I have no actual recourse for the situation, I decided I am going to do what I do best and talk a bunch of shit in a blog. So here it is, one reason your (and my) overpriced QB sucks…
Kenny Pickett ($8.1 Million)
No exceptions will be made for rookies. Those checks cash the same in year one as they do in year 10. When they are comparing your stats to Mason Rudolph it's safe to say you have not been good. The low-hanging fruit here would be to make fun of his tiny little pud-whackers, but I'll take the high road. Instead I'll make fun of his QB rating, which is second to last among qualifying QBs and four spots behind Mitch Trubisky.
Plus he has a creepy double jointed thumb. My buddy has one of those and swears girls love it. He makes it "dance" sometimes when we're out and I want to puke. He's almost 40 and single. Welcome to your future, Kenny.
Jimmy Garoppolo ($12.65 Million)
It isn't Jimmy G's fault he that he won't start next week. The poor guy broke his foot. And after the crazy offseason/start to the year he had I hope he gets back in time to help the 49ers in the playoffs. But I have to make fun of him for something and it can't be his looks or his play on the field, which has been among the best of his career.
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What I can make fun of is that Jimmy G is hornier than a 9th grader watching twerk videos on TikTok. I won't even bring up the fact he took a porn star (and not even an upper-echelon one) to dinner like a simp or the fact he called another man's wife "baby" on national TV. But a man who does both of those things is very horny. And horny guys beat off a lot. And that very well could be why he broke his foot.
According to ManMatters.com, over-masturbating can cause brittle bones.
1. Zinc deficiency
Your sperm contains many nutrients like zinc, copper, magnesium, and calcium. Every time you masturbate, you lose these nutrients in your semen.
Zinc is required for the normal growth of bones in your body. It is also essential for bone regeneration. Over masturbation side effects on bones include loss of zinc, resulting in poor bone growth and regeneration.
3. Vitamin D Deficiency
Each time you over masturbate, you also lose a substantial amount of vitamin D. This is required for bone strength and proper functioning. Vitamin D deficiency can result in weaker bones that may break easily.
Stop being so horny, Jimmy. It might cost you a Super Bowl.
Jameis Winston ($15.2 Million)
This one hurts me to my core. One of the NFL's great treasures is being held hostage in New Orleans and absolutely hate it. No one is more unintentionally entertaining and likable in the entire league. Russ Wilson would kill for a shot glass worth of that goofy charisma.
I will just always wonder how it took him five seasons and 88 interceptions to decide maybe he should do something about his god awful eyesight. And now it looks like his back is so bad we'll never get to see him at his full potential. It wasn't a money thing either, because in those first five years he made $46.2 Million. He could have gotten lasik surgery 11,550 times with that money. Instead he threw approximately 11,550 interceptions.
Sam Darnold ($18.9 Million)
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Sam Darnold is bad at playing the game of football, but we all know that by now. What you may not know is that he has a stupid head. I bet you are looking at those pictures and thinking, "damn, I always knew I didn't like him but couldn't put my figure on exactly what it was."
Yeah his head is dumb as fuck. It's not his fault per se but it's still his reality. Realistically, it's the Panthers fault for paying someone with that head that kind of money.
Matt Ryan ($23.7 Million)
Here's another guy who has a very dumb head, but has actually overcome it in the past. I'd like to focus instead on the fact he is even playing football at all. Why? You knew damn well you weren't winning a Super Bowl this year and I can't imagine someone like Matt Ryan blew through all their money. So what was the point?
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He can't move any more and his o-line can't block. Not a great combo. He has been sacked 35 times despite playing in just 11 games. Thats over 3 sacks a game at the age of 37. Any more years of this type of beating and he won't be able to walk once he retires. He'll be "Matty Ice-On-His-Aching-Knees" every night at this rate.
Derek Carr ($25 Million)
At this point I'm pretty sure Derek Carr's hair is just performance art. Or maybe it is a social experiment to see how much people will put up with if you're rich. A Balenciagia sort of situation. Either way his barber hates his fucking guts.
So do fans in Las Vegas, I'd imagine. He is 18th in QB rating, 28th in completion percentage, and is tied for the 4th most interceptions in the league. I'd say Mark Davis probably wants a refund, but maybe has a special affinity for Carr. You know, because of the stupid hair cuts.
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Carson Wentz ($28.3 Million)
A dude making over $28 Million to be a backup to another dude named Taylor Heinicke? In Joe Biden's economy?! How about this insane fact: Carson Wentz is the 22nd highest paid quarterback OF ALL TIME. He has made almost $129 Million and has apparently not spent a single dollar of that on a fashionable item of clothing.
I'm not saying you need to dress like an asshole (see Russell Westbrook and James Harden) but at least try to not look like a sketch from I Think You Should Leave every time you step out of the house.
Kyler Murray ($30 Million)
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SHUT UP, MOM! I'LL STUDY THE PLAYBOOK AS SOON AS I DIE IN THIS GAME! GOSH!
The Cardinals wanted to put a clause in his contract that guaranteed he would actually study the playbook because he spends too much time gaming. And then they handed him $30 Million this season. That's insane. They ended up removing the clause but still. Add that to the fact he is tiny and injury prone (hope he'e OK after going down last night) and this was a monster risk to take for Arizona.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that Kyler is a part of Faze Clan along with Lil Yachty, Snoop Dogg, Bronny James, and other celebs. Those are spots being taken from young kids who are grinding their ass off and disrespecting their moms on a nightly basis strictly for the love of the game. Just because you're the same size as them doesn't mean you should take opportunities from the youth, Kyler.
Aaron Rodgers ($42 Million)
Nothing will be funnier than when Aaron Rodgers' worst fear comes to light. No way the Packers choose Rodgers over Love after how this season unfolded, right? And according to Packers Insider Jason Wilde that will be the decision facing them this offseason.
“I HAD A REALLY GREAT CONVERSATION WITH JORDAN [LOVE] ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON,” GREEN BAY INSIDER JASON WILDE SAID. “I THINK HE VERY CLEARLY, EVEN THOUGH HE WOULDN’T FLAT-OUT SAY IT, HE DOES NOT WANT TO SIT FOR ANOTHER YEAR. SO, IF WE GET TO YEAR FOUR, AND RODGERS DOES COME BACK, I AM FAIRLY CONFIDENT THAT HE WILL SEEK A TRADE.”
You absolutely love to see it. Pun intended. Rodgers has spent his entire career as an angry, jaded asshole. To his family, to fans, to the Packers, to the media, and to other quarterbacks that dare be employed by the same franchise as him. Now he will probably be traded and replaced by Love. I'm sure he'll think about that a ton while sweating and puking in a hut during his next Ayahuasca trip in the offseason.
Deshaun Watson ($46 MIllion)
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This is the type of stuff that will be waiting for him and the Browns in every city he goes for his entire NFL career. No matter how you feel about Watson's off the field escapades it's hard to argue anything short of a Super Bowl will be worth this circus.
And realistically what are the odds the Browns even get to a Super Bowl, let alone win one? The AFC is loaded with great young quarterbacks and "the Browns is the Browns." And while he looked much better in his second start, he looked like he had never played the game of football before in his first start back against Houston. Add in Baker Mayfield's comeback win for LA and you know crooked old Jimmy Haslam was seething mad last week.
Russell Wilson ($57 Million)
There is only so much corny shit a person can take. His act wore thin in Seattle and it never even had a chance to take hold in Denver. He has the lowest completion percentage of his career by far, the lowest touchdown total of his career by far, and is 27th in QBR behind Mac Jones, Taylor Heinicke, and Jacoby Brissett. When you're that bad you can't be "rah rah, call out run or pass guy". That's how you become "got punched in the face by a teammate" guy.
I mean just watch this TikTok and try not to cringe. Good luck.