If You've Ever Spanked Your Monkey, This Is a Must-Read!

Before the internet, kids had to find things to amuse themselves with. Ordering stuff from the back page of comic books and kids' magazines was something we all did back in the '60s. I remember ordering a Hercules ring and thinking it was gonna make me strong. It didn't, but it was a cool-looking ring, and for a short time, I was the envy of all my friends. 

Another popular item was sea horses. They were pretty weird looking and, after a while, not very exciting. Most of 'em died young, probably because the kids taking care of them lost interest. I don't think anybody shed any tears; after all, "it was just a hobby"…

My friend Gary and his older brother Steve pooled their money together and did something none of our parents would allow us to do… they purchased a pet monkey!

I remember the two of them bragging about ordering a monkey and then showing me a copy of the magazine ad. It sure looked legit. There weren't any tracking numbers back then, but somehow they had an approximate ship date, and we all waited less than patiently for the monkey to arrive. 

I remember Gary calling me after school one day to tell me the monkey was finally at his house. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went right over…

The monkey initially looked like a lot of fun, something to be envious of, something I wanted for myself. But after a few minutes, I realized it was a stinky little creature that made weird sounds and would intentionally pee on whoever held it. Their monkey was a complete asshole!

Despite the monkey's temperament, Gary and Steve became pretty popular guys at school, telling stories about their new pet monkey to anyone who would listen.

Then one day, I noticed neither one of them was talking very much. I said, "Hey, how's the monkey doin'?" They hung their heads, and Steve said, "He escaped, and we can't find him…" It was only a week after the monkey arrived…

I knew a young monkey like theirs couldn't survive very long in the wild, even in Massachusetts, so I offered to help 'em look in the woods behind their house after school…

We looked for hours, but no monkey was in sight. We wondered what would happen if the monkey found his way into someone's backyard; back then, people hung their clothes outside on clotheslines to dry. We knew he'd scare the shit out of people or, worse, get himself killed. 

Unfortunately, we never found him. He would've been better off living in a zoo…

Several years later, in 1969, my family moved to Connecticut. I was 13, and all I cared about was sports. My friend Kevin and I used to play basketball at outdoor courts, and after a couple of hours of competitive roundball, we had to take a break. One summer day, during a break from basketball, Kevin said, "Hey, let's go to the zoo." I was like, "What? Go to a zoo. Are you fuckin nuts?" Kevin said, "Don't worry, we're gonna have a lot of fun there…"

We both had our basketballs, and so we dribbled our way to the zoo… Once we were there, Kevin said, "The monkeys are crazy, and they always put on an incredible show. Let's head there first…" I assumed the monkeys were trained to ride mini bicycles or something like that, but I still wasn't convinced it was gonna be a lot of fun hangin' out at the zoo…

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When we arrived at the monkey cage, it was just the monkeys and us, but little by little, the baby carriages started to arrive, and all the yummy mummies gathered in front of the cage and started talking amongst themselves. I looked at Kevin and said, "What the fuck? This isn't fun!" He said, "Hang on, be patient. It's gonna get crazy," and then he started laughing…

Shutterstock Images.

There were probably 15 chimpanzees in there, and the one who was the biggest and loudest was definitely in charge of the others. He'd get right up in their faces, start making some weird sounds, and then show his teeth, scaring the crap out of them. He was like a mob boss, definitely the dominant alpha chimp, and he didn't take shit from any of them…

As more people started to arrive, a majority were yummy mummies pushing baby carriages, the chimps, under the direct orders of their boss, started making their way closer to the front of the cage. There was a lot of screeching and little battles breaking out, but the boss man seemed to maintain control by threatening the others. He was a big, mean bastard, and you could tell all the other chimps were scared shitless of him…

A good-sized crowd had gathered in front, and the chimps were getting antsy; I could sense the unrest. The boss man was leaping around and getting right up in the face of the other chimps, showing his teeth and screeching even louder. I wondered what he was up to. Kevin kept laughing, telling me, "The show is about to begin…" 

I couldn't even imagine what was gonna happen. Was there gonna be a rumble? I was up for watching a WWE-style SmackDown/Cage Match between chimps fighting for their dominance or, potentially, fighting for their lives…

Then, the boss man started screeching even louder, silencing the other chimps. They all gathered at the front, and on his command, with one hand, they all reached for their dicks and started masturbating uncontrollably while screeching at the top of their lungs. 

Kevin and I were laughing hysterically. The yummy mummies were not amused, but the chimps didn't care; they just kept stroking away! 

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As it was getting more intense, all the chimps were screeching at the top of their lungs, showing their disgusting dental work while continuing to rub one out like their lives depended on it. All the yummy mummies were grossed out and began frantically packing up, in a big hurry to get away from the monkey cage.

And, like a well-choreographed dance routine, all the chimps started shooting their loads at the cage in unison. It was fucking hysterical!

R.I.P. Kevin Quigley. You were right. It was a crazy fucking show and well worth the price of admission!                                              

Lighten the Fuck Up! (Joke # 131)                                                                                                                                                         

A young girl looked down while she was dressing one morning and noticed that she had started growing hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about it… 

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown some hair." 

At dinner, she proudly told her older sister, "My monkey has started growing hair." 

Her sister smiled and responded, "That’s nothing; mine's already eating bananas…"