King Tut Was All Fucked Up

Large10/06/2022 11:30 PM

Tim Graham. Getty Images.

While researching the Twisted History of Inbreeding, I tried to concentrate on the Royal Family with the hope of shitting all over the freshly dead queen and her band of merry oddballs.

Anwar Hussein. Getty Images.

("I had no idea you could catapult a peasant that high.")

But before I could get even close to the Victorian Era in England, I was peppered with inbred tales from Ancient Egypt.

Being that this is a gambling company, I'd be willing to wager there are 2 figures that the majority of Barstool's audience would relate to Ancient Egypt… Cleopatra and King Tut.

For most, Cleo is known as the smoking-hot Queen of Egypt who ruled from 51 to 30 BC and who fucked around with two of the most powerful Romans of the age: Julius Caesar and Mark Antony before being bitten by a poisonous asp.

What many people don't know was that she was married to 2 of her brothers… Ptolemy XIII and Ptolemy XIV… Before she shacked up with Mark Antony.

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Like many royal houses, members of the Ptolemaic dynasty married within the family to preserve the purity of their bloodline. So more than a dozen of Cleopatra’s ancestors tied the knot with cousins or siblings, and it’s likely that her own parents were brother and sister.

Soooo… In keeping with this age-old custom, Cleopatra eventually married both of her adolescent brothers.

This is disgusting to think of BUT it is also the primary storyline for this latest iteration of Game of Thrones.

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("Let's fuck.")

Side Note: Remember how people were aghast while watching the original GoT and Jamie was banging his sister, Cersei?

Well… Fast forward 3 years, and those same people are tickled pink watching albino long-haired Targaryens marry, or at least fuck, underage Valyrian relatives.

But back to Cleopatra… All that sibling-fucking took a toll on her gene pool. As a result, the legend that she was attractive was greatly exaggerated.

First off, archeologists believe Cleopatra… Much like me… Suffered from excessive weight. The regularly practiced incest in her bloodline exacerbated her obesity, whereas mine comes from my utter lack of willpower and affinity for late-night carbs.

And although she has been portrayed in Hollywood by the likes of Sophia Loren…

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And, more famously, by Elizabeth Taylor…

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Cleopatra wasn’t pretty.

And I don't say that flippantly nor to be mean… There’s hard evidence that Cleopatra wasn’t as physically striking as once believed. Coins with her portrait show her with manly features including a large protruding jaw and a hooked nose, and some historians contend that she intentionally portrayed herself as masculine as a display of strength.

So Sophia and Liz Taylor may have sold more tickets back in the day, but a tan Lena Dunhman will probably tackle any modern version of the Egyptian queen…

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And then there is the handsome and statuesque King Tut that we all know and love…

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He ruled as Egyptian pharaoh nearly 1300 years before the birth of Cleopatra, but DNA tests of King Tut's mummified corpse are able to confidently show that the grand ruler was actually an inbred genetic misfit.

Egyptian pharaohs revered sibling marriage, influenced by the legend that the god Osiris married his sister, Isis, to maintain a pure bloodline… What was good enough for the Gods was good enough for them, I suppose… Even though their gene pools were being shrunk into shallow puddles filled with birth defects.

King Tut’s parents were probably brother and sister, and as a result, he had a clubbed foot, a cleft palate, scoliosis, wide hips, a potbelly, female-like breasts, required a cane, was prone to malarial infections, and an elongated deformed skull.

So in the past, where Tut was portrayed by the likes of a hip Rami Malek…

Or in comedy acts by the not-so-hip Steve Martin…

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Any modern portrayals of the clubbed-footed, cleft-palated, scoliotic, wide-hipped, potbellied, saggy-breasted, deformed skulled Pharoah will probably be played by either me or…