HOUSE OF THE DRAGON EPISODE 5 RECAP BLOG: A Guy Named Joffrey Walks Into A Westeros Wedding...
...And that sorry son of a bitch gets carried out in a bodybag. Get it?
Please don't comment that the feast in last night's episode was the rehearsal dinner instead of the actual wedding. I'm just trying to get some Joffrey jokes off. You guys wanna watch the other Joffrey die again? Good me too!
Back to last night's House of the Dragon, the Knight of Kisses may have had a sweet ass nickname and a lover that ensured he'd never have to work another day in his life. But getting pounded into ground beef by an angry simp in front of hundreds of people is a nightmarish way to go out. All Criston Cole had to do was agree to be a well-dressed sidepiece and everyone could have went home happy. Instead he dropped the ball on a lifetime of happiness for no reason at all.
Cue the soundbite!
Speaking of going out, I love King Viserys since he truly seems like a good dude that has kept peace in the seven kingdoms during pretty much his enter reign by being The King of Feasts and Tournaments, which are even more incredible when you think about what that would be like in real life.
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However Viserys' slow crawl to death as the Westerosi Rickety Cricket is absolutely hilarious to me and will remain so until his dying day.
Actually if we are being honest, I'm starting to think Viserys may outlast everyone on the show. He may be nothing but a head due to all his limbs falling off. But the dude is an absolute survivor and I take back any of the slander I spouted off about leeches not working since they've kept that frail son of a bitch around for at least 3 episodes longer than I thought he'd be around for.
Not only that, but the poor guy constantly is getting dominated by his family, friends, and subjects.
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As for Daemon, I'm fully committed to him because not only does he command every room he enters and secured the Vale by becoming The Wife Slayer. But because he is pretty much the Westeros version of my boss.
I mean just look at the stunts he pulled last night after killing his damn wife for her inherritance.
You know who else commands a room? House Velaryon. Name a better hype man than the one Corlys Velaryon has. You can't.
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I'm pretty sure we can say this every episode but goddamn these motherfuckers are so cool.
You know who isn't cool? This sassy son of a bitch.
The Clubfoot isn't on the Sus List. He IS the Sus List. I would say that he is the next Littlefinger except he was alive before Littlefinger, which makes Littlefinger the next Clubfoot. This dude is going to piss me off so much but I am going to lowkey love it because that kind of underground politicking is what truly fuels Thrones (along with the sex, violence, and dragons).
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Goddamn I hate how much I love that dude and I'm sure The Clubfoot will be in the same boat, maybe as early as the next episode.
Lord Jason is a cock.
Not really much more to say than that but the man is a cock. I'm pretty sure this is the first and most likely last time I call a man a cock. But that dude is the epitome of a cock.
Meanwhile, Ser Criston should have listened to his cock instead of his heart, which was clearly bleeding during that wedding before he beat another man into putty.
For more of House of the Dragon takes hotter than dracarys, check out this week's Game of Stools on YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcasts.