Instead of Making Fun Of Carson Wentz, Let's Power Rank Every Bird That He Shot And Nailed To A Shed

PFT Commenter9/20/2022 6:30 PM

Welcome back to the Monday Morning Bowel Movement- THE MMBM. This year due to constipated schedules the MMBM will be appearing on Tuesdays which will allow me to include coverage of MNF and stuff like RG3 beating a bird in a footrace. There are all new segments to debut, things to rank, and takes to crank. Word of warning your probably not mentally capable of reading and absorbing these takes so if its all the same to you please leave. Its good to be back

In Todays Column were going to be power ranking all the birds that Carson Wentz shot in this picture:

I am undergoing Wentz conversion therapy and making myself say something positive about him is one of the most important steps. So in honor of the first (and therefore the best) QB in the history of the Washington Commanders, here is a blog post saying how good he is and how cool many of these dead birds are, and how great and accurate he must have been when he shot them.

The pictures are going to take a very long time to load probly so lets get to the rest of the weekly column first:

Current Head Coaches who were Assistant Coaches on the mid-2010s Washington Redskins Powerankings:

1. Mike McDaniel

Julio Cortez. Shutterstock Images.

I'm officially upgrading Mike McDaniel from hotshot to wonderkid please let the record show. Tuanon has offically taken the reigns from 4Chan Gailey and the storm has just begun. This is a new era and folks thats not cap. Mike McDaniels looked like a coke dealers wife's boyfriend and got out of Baltimore just in the nick of time, which is ironic because the Ravens runningbacks are a lot healthier this year with no need for fourth-Stringer Bell.

Alot is being made of the Waddle/Hill dynamic duo but for my money its fullback Alec Ingold who's putting this offense together

2. Kyle Shanahan

Credit to Kyle Shanahan for taking a QB like Jimmy Garropollo who dosent seem like he would be a good fit in his system and making it work somehow. I guess we'll see if he can make it work over the course of a season but it was kind of cute for a half.

3. Matt LaFleur

Matt LaFleur is trying to trick us into thinking the Packers are built different by not being offensively electric as they have in years past. Getting to the playoffs he wants us to have a image of this team not as the Aaron Rodgers teams who throw for 400 yds and 4 tds a game, but rather as a team that knows how to win close games. As Rodgers gets older he will have to rely less on the gimmick of being a really talented quarterback and more on the skillset of having a great team around you.

4. Sean McVay

You beat the Falcons great job bully.

5. Kevin O'Connell

Week one was kind of a KOC tease and if Kevin is going to earn his money he has to understand that Kirk Cousins has that reverse vampire energy. I call Kirk Cousins the Male Man because hes a guy who just recently started delivering on Sundays, hes always knocking on that door, and you know its a waste of time waiting for him to show up if its dark outside. Kevin O'Connor got outcoached by Nick Sirianni in the match-up of the two coaches that PFT put money on to win Coach Of The Year bowl, and chalk this one up for the Italians

Here are the rest of the official NFL head coach rankings as created by our tier-god PMT memes:

10 Things I Know I Know

1. There should be a "And 1" rule in Football for when a recever makes a catch even after hes been interfered with. Ball in hand from wherever they catch it plus one yard. Im sick of seeing CBs grab the WRs unconsensuously on all parts of their body just to get a cheap thrill only to get the penalty declined one the offensive player brings it in. It essentially goes unpunished. Not anymore

2. Our nations most intellectually curious young man Kyrie Irving posted a instagram story of Alex Jones discussing the New World Order on Thursday. Many people are criticizing him, but at this point I actualy think its damaging for Alex Jones to be associated with Kyrie not the other way around. Alex Jones actually shows up to his scheduled court appearences

3. America's social media teams have reached what I like to call Critical Ass at record speed with the "him" memes. The first known use of the "Him" meme was in John 1:1- All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being."

The "Him" meme went from achieving popularty in african american vernacular to being driven into the ground faster than Thin Lizzie herself in a blur. It all culminated with this tweet:

Great question. But perhaps Americas youngsters are too concern with celebrating hims, and not paying enough gratitude to celebrating HYMNs.

I'll tell you one guy who would of made this list- a guy named Him HEbow- 3:16 isnt just his completion numbers folk's, its also the most important statline known to man.

And going from Jalen Hurts- a guy who has that DOG in him to Kirk Cousins- a guy who has that GOD in him was a real head scratcher. The case of Kirk being a reverse Vampire rears its ugly head yet again but also points to the fun stat where he plays marketdly worse in cities where there are megachurches. Have to wonder if ol Kirk sat down for fellowship with Philadelphia natiev Dr Oz, who is on the record that its totally acceptable to love cousins.

4. A fun little game I like to play is "Atlanta Falcons win probabilty or FedEx stock graphic"

This seems like a dirty shot directed at Arthur Smith but its merely a out of date commentary because the Falcons didnt blow a lead week 2 because they never had one. Kyle Pitts got targeted half as often as Darius Slay, and Marcus Mariota was somehow 0-for-0 on two Hail Marys. People forget that the biggest part of the hail mary play is that you have to throw the ball at some point but maybe he was trying to make the rams so bored they fell asleep like the rest of us who have watched the Falcons offense, no offense.

5. This is a all-time tweet by Will Compton and I will explain why in a all-22 tweet breakdown

Follow me here. At one point Will Compton thought only guys who liked men liked nose rings- hence its gay. Then Will Compton, as a straight man, sees this other man with a nose ring, and he likes how this man with a nose ring looks so much that he changes his mind- and now nose rings are no longer for guys who like men. Sussin with the boys indeed.

6. TFW your wife doesnt tweet "good luck" before a game:

This is a interesting development since smashing tablets its a Old Testament thing and New Testament Tom has been the calling card for this Bucs team recently. Love thy neighbor, washing the dead frozen skin off Antonio Browns disfigured feet, etc. But enough people were annoiting the Saints as their golden god that ketosis moses had to take matters into his own hands.

8. Rick Reilly took some time Monday evening to comment on Nathanial Hacketts inabilty to manage time effectively in a game that was played on Sunday afternoon

Couple issues here. Either 1- DIRECTVSunday Ticket got screwed up so bad that Rick couldnt finish the game until today or Ricks wifi was installed by all business pete and the tweet just made it through 27 hours after he meant to send it. Either way lets all think positive thoughts about Rick whose columns Ive read while pooping for probably thousands of cumulative minutes over the years. Hope you figure out those issues to make sure your jokes land in the future because as you know comedy is one part cleverness and the other parttiming.

9. Stop me if youve heard this before but there are a couple openings in college towns that Urban Meyer has his eye on filling

10. Hate seeing Bryson Dechambeau getting TKOd by a rope at the LIV golf 1st Inaugural 'Another LIV Golf Tour Event' classic. It seems that the king of the persian golf Bryson forgot the first rule of aligning yourself with the Saudi royal family which is you should always be on the lookout for things trying to take your head off, and the second rule of aligning with the Saudi royal family which is the courage to always tell the truth regarding Mohammad Bin Salman's unprecedented generosity to the best golfers in the world by creating a fan-friendly, much-needed injection of youth and innovation to the game of golf!

11. Sean Payton had a interesting look

The combo of the visor and the suit is one I dont think Ive ever seen and it got me thinking of other combos that have never been attempted and I landed on:

-Crocs and Scream mask

-Suicide bomb vest and condom

-College Graduation Robe paired with any spittin chiclets merch

12. Tom Brady went on the radio and dropped this nugget:

Im going to do a Serial type investigation to figure out who the motherfucker is (besides the obvious Zach Wilson).

Also isnt it interesting what I just found right here. Tom said hes taking wednesdays off during the regular season. Interesting, I wonder whats happening on Wednesdays

hmmm…

If Patrick Mahomes Does This The Media Goes Nuts Of The Week:

Activity to keep Deshaun Watson from sexually assaulting anyone as he serves his suspension this week: Attending a Midnight Yell At Texas A&M

Theres a old saying in Texas that you cant spell "I'm abstaining" without "A&M" so Deshaun might want to take a little trip to college station. Plus the nice thing is if you do get horny in that sleepy little town you dont have to worry about clean up since that takes care of itself unless they just got sheared earlier that morning. If Deshuan is lucky he can even do a Nude Perfect trick shot video where he simply has to get a massage from the twins cory and cody without getting a erection.

I actually believe that there is no less sexual atmosphere anywhere in the world than College Station Texas besides maybe Darren Rovells basement, and it would do Mr. Watson alot of good to go down there and strap on a set of overalls with the bike locks on the hooks to keep them that way.

Male Pail:

Good question Andrew. I actually read about this on my Athletic Premium plus subscription here it is if youve havent seen it yet

Unlocked Athletic Premium Plus Content for TMBM Subscribers:

As many of you know, I am a Premium-plus subscriber to the Athletic at the $499.99 a month package which offers me exclusive behind-the-scenes looks into sports with never before seen access. As part of the partnership they've allowed me to offer previews of their content usually hidden behind the wall. Just a heads up if you are a premium-plus subscriber to the athletic like me your auto-bill is coming up soon if you're in the diamond-tier. Its a $1,199.00 authorization on your card as a bank hold- that transaction will be reversed witin 9 business days so don't worry about that.

So here's this weeks content- Kirk post-monday night football at his locker from their NFL writer Blake Bigjeé

And Finally…

Power Ranking Every Bird Carson Wentz Shot

Power Ranking all the birds that Carson Wentz shot in a day back in 2018 (with assisted commentary by Billy Football)

1. This bird

If you looked up a picture in the dictionary of a perfect wouded duck you would find either a Donovan McNabb trading card or this majestic mallard right here. Beautiful plumage, excellent coloration, shot right through the neck like Will Ferrell in Old School. Fun orange feet as well. Great shootin Carson!

2. This one

I like the blue on its wings. This wing has such a great band that I bet Carson Wentzs church wouldnt let you dance to its music. Whoops gota shock myself I backslid into talking shit about Carson Wentz again. Gotta stop taking shots at the guy, as he requested in his vaccine waiver. Fuck I did it again. This is gonna be tough.

3. This duck here

This has got to be the most underated duck of them all. KenPom had this guy projected as the number one duck in its class of ducks that had been murdered by Carson Wentz in November 2018. Outstanding duck I have to admit. Might have skulleosis. He got dinged because his neck was a little fluffy, but thats just a matter of personal preference.

4. THICC BOI

BIG BOY! BIG BOY GRILLIN ON THE ROOF! Its a awesome bird and probably very easy to hit in the open due to its girth. The checkdown of ducks. You take what nature gives you, dont try to be a hero on every play. Sometimes the tight end in the flat can break a few tackles for a house call.

5. This Canada Goose

You got a problem with Canada Gooses, then youve got a problem with me. And I suggest you let that one marinate

6. This duck is the sixth best one

I like the contrast between how yellow its beak is, and how orange its paws are. At least I think Ducks have paws. Maybe theyre just feet I dont know. You never hear of animals spraining their paws- something you dont really ever hear talked about until just now.

7. (Billys pick)

Billy says: "I like this duck^"

Alot of haters are going to say that Billy mislabeled what is very obviously a goose, but those haters, sadly, would be embarassingly incorrect. You see, although I might seem like someone who doesnt know a dead duck from a franchise quarterback, I can tell you from my experience spending not one, but TWO days at the Slimbridge Wildfowl Trust in Western England with Hard Factor Will and his dad, that this appears to be a Muskogee duck. Theyre silly boys and have a funny little bump on their nose, just like me.

8. This Goose

I'll be honest on this one it was the next bird picture that was loaded into the blog and its kind of tricky to drag all these pics around in our editing software so I just kind of kept it here. But it works. Its everything I want out of a Canada Goose- its dead, not currently chasing me, and its not on a golf course. "The big Three".

9. Another duck

I didnt come here pretending to know the intricacies and physics of how to properly nail a duck to the side of a house, but seems to me like every other duck is nailed through its beak and this bad boy has such big ass man tits that the counterbalance has the head going all caddy wompus to the side. Like if the leaning tower of Pisa was a shot bird.

10. Mister Duck number 10

Has a nice velvety head. Shame someone shot a gun through it. I like his tail feathers

11. This one got its entire head blown off

RIP

DOG BREAK

13. (Billys Pick)

Billy says: "I like this goose because it is the biggest goose"

14. This duck here

Caught him mid-quack. You have to wonder if this duck ever thought he would end up on a sports blog being looked at by thousands of people. Even more rare is the fact that Carson Wentz was able to accurateley hit him in the open field. Shit i didnt mean to go there. Probly makes him in the top .00001% fame of all dead ducks to ever exist, a life well- lived I say

15. The Pheasant

Pheasants are cool looking as hell. Alot of people dont know much about phesants but they are the Albert Haynesworth of birds always hanging out on the ground and extremely rich. They also cause a extraordinary amount of car accidents

16. An aesthetically pleasing Goose