A Great Meal Out is All About the Service!

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When I was old enough to eat at restaurants myself I was told the proper tip for a waiter/waitress who performs his or her duties was 15%, and that the origin of the tip dated back to when someone wanted "to insure prompt service” they tipped before the meal. I believe that now, any money that exchanges hands prior to dining involves a maitre d’ and preferred seating and that usually takes place in pricey establishments I don’t frequent.

The custom today, as I understand it, rewards hard-working servers, after the meal, which is very fair and more than reasonable. Serve me my meal without a hitch and a 15% gratuity is yours, 20% if the service is fucking outstanding. I have no problem with that. Of course, if a sexy waitress is a good server I may go as high as 25%, but maybe that's just me…

My family doesn't eat out very much and during the pandemic, we barely went out at all, but we've finally started dining out again, and the one who appreciates it the most is my wife, the mother of my three boys. She normally cooks, serves, and cleans after family meals. In case you're wondering, I do help, albeit only occasionally and mostly when I'm on the grill. I'm more of the home maintenance-home improvement kind of guy, a role I take very seriously.

One Saturday night we decided to go to our favorite Chinese restaurant with our youngest son. We waited 20 minutes before being seated. We’re okay with that; it’s our favorite Chinese restaurant and 20 minutes is nothing. Once seated, our waiter poured water and was ready to take our order almost immediately. After a short wait, our appetizers arrived, but then we waited an unusually long period of time for the meal. There was a definite festive lull, a buzz-kill of sorts, that included fidgeting and looking around for our waiter. All three of us stretched our necks hoping to spot him. And when we did, we hoped that the tray he was carrying had our food on it. It didn’t…

Pork fried rice, lobster sauce, and sesame chicken are not special orders. We began questioning the service. Our water glasses were dry and we grew increasingly thirsty and impatient… Finally, a dinner out and we were being ignored by our fucking waiter!

When our food finally arrived we immediately forgot all about the lousy service. A different restaurant employee filled our glasses with water and order to our restaurant universe had been restored!

The food was predictably as good as it gets. When we were finished it was time to measure the waiter’s true medal, how quickly would he see that we had finished eating? At that point in the meal, when you’re done and waiting for the bill, my rule is no one moves, everyone remains perfectly still and a safe distance from utensils and plates. No one sips water or goes near the food, even to pick at it. Everyone sits back and displays body language that clearly says “I’m done!”. We choreographed our exit to a tee. One look at us and you knew we were done.

At this juncture, there's no wiggle room for a waiter or waitress. “Get me out of here” is what most patrons are thinking and we waited for our bill much longer than what was necessary… The three of us began playing that game “Is that him?” It took forever to get his attention and for the leather bill holder to arrive at our table, which was our ticket out of there.

I wasted little time once I had the bill in hand, tucking cash in the holder, but then we found ourselves waiting again. “Where the fuck is he? We should have been out of here twenty-five minutes ago. Is that him?”

My wife suggested I go pay at the register and that seemed like a sensible option. I went up to the register and cashed out, expecting to go back to the table, leave the tip, and exit the restaurant with my family. Here’s where it got tricky…

My wife and son had gotten up and left the table. Another restaurant employee cleared the table and new patrons were being seated. I couldn’t leave the tip now! I looked for our waiter. “Where the fuck is he?” I was in the way. I stretched my neck, looking everywhere, heart racing. I only had so much time, I was clogging the aisle. I went back to the register and saw that my wife and son had exited the restaurant’s breezeway and were headed for the car. I left the restaurant, which was a difficult decision, and caught them in the parking lot…

“Why did you guys leave the table? I went back to leave the tip and you were gone, the table had been cleared, and new people were being seated… I didn’t leave the tip!” 

“Well, go back in!”, my wife instructed…

I took a deep breath and went back in, walking quickly toward our table, hoping to find our waiter. He wasn’t around. I was in the way, clogging the aisle. I stretched my neck, and in a panic, I spun around three times hoping to spot him. He wasn’t anywhere in sight. Every patron was seated but me. I had become "the restaurant OAF”! I walked out without leaving the tip, again…

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I climbed into the car and reported to my wife and son that I hadn’t found our waiter and didn’t leave the tip. There was silence, and then total agreement, "He didn’t deserve one anyway! We got terrible service!"

I started the car, looked in the rear-view mirror, confirming that I didn’t look anything like George Costanza, and then I pulled out of the parking lot at normal speed and never looked back…

*In the comments, let me know what you normally tip and if you've ever had a bad experience with a waiter or waitress. And, if the food is great but the service sucks, is that a deal-breaker for you? And guys, do you give better tips to sexy waitresses?