Getting Your Boat Hijacked By A Whale Does Not Seem Like A Good Time To Me

Call me a coward. Call me a bitch. Call me a cowardly bitch. Call me all of the above since you are probably definitely right. But there is no way I'd be giggling like these ladies while my boat is being hijacked by a goddamn WHALE. 

Yes whales are majestic creatures known for their beauty and grace and are technically family as fellow members of the mammal family. However, that gentle giant doesn't have the foggiest idea on the best practices of boating or a nugget of knowledge when it comes to marine law, even though I’m sure he knows all about the implication.

Going for a boat ride on the back of a giant whale is like going for a piggy back ride on me when I'm blacked out. Yeah it seems fun because you some hoss is carrying you around, but he truly doesn't know when/where/how he is going to stop with less than zero regard for whoever he's carrying. I don't even like fish swimming near me when I'm snorkeling because I don't want them to mistakenly nibble on my oversized body or touch me with their scales. So I sure as shit don't want a giant version of them taking me for a ride to nowhere with the off chance they decide to go Full Free Willy and send my ass into orbit.

Speaking of Free Willy, "Will You Be There" is easily the most underrated Michael Jackson song ever, if not the most underrated song ever. Uplifting, passionate, and heartwarming all at once. If the King of Pop released this song on one of his solo albums instead of a family movie soundtrack, he would've had another trophy case worth of awards just for this banger.