The Oscars Goodie Bag Is Just Another Reason To Hate the Oscars

KenJac3/11/2022 7:00 PM

The oscars have been on a train of eating non stop shit for the last month straight. They cut 8 awards from the show, which upset actual fans of the show, and they added Amy Schumer as a co-host, which upset everyone. They can't seem to figure out how to get their numbers back up and are stuck between trying to appeal film fans and the general public. I have a full blog on it HERE, but just check this shit out.

Anyway, I'm sure some of you are familiar with the insanely lucrative upper-crust gift bag industry. There was a very funny episode of the Sopranos about it.

The Oscars usually has some pretty ridiculous gift bags, but this year might take the cake. Here are some of the most ridiculous items:

Selection of `Spermidine Life supplements - Cost: $396 - I'll be honest I have no idea what this is. But 400 bucks for something I make for free seems like a ripoff.

A three-night stay in Scotland's Turin Castle includes: private use of the entire 10-bedroom Castle for 2 guests, fully-inclusive butler service and dining, bagpiper welcome on arrival, private gin tasting, and fully-personalized concierge service. - Cost: On application - Yea nothing screams gift basket like staying in a haunted Scottish castle. Also, is it even really a gift if, in order to redeem it, you have to spend a lot of money???

Ariti premium extra virgin olive oil infused with edible gold flakes - Cost: On application - On application???? They can't even put a price on this bad boy?? This item has a similar problem as the spermidine for me. As a half Italian, I naturally produce this product for free. Especially the extra virgin part.

The Celebrity Arms liposuction treatment at cosmetic surgery Art Lipo - Cost: $9,500-$15,000 - If there was a Simpsons/family guy/SNL or whatever parody of what the Oscars goodie bag would have, this would probably be the first item. I wonder how the variable pricing works? Do the fatter celebrities cost more? That's not very progressive of ole Holywood

Selection of treatments and rejuvenations: at Dr. Konstantin's Luxe Upper East Side office - Cost: $10,000 - This includes laser skin resurfacing, injectables, fillers and Botox. Like with the previous item, this is borderline parody. Both of these are so rediculously expensive and are being gifted to people who can all afford it.

Three in-home training sessions in Los Angeles with fitness trainer Diego Sebastian - Cost: On application - Diego Sebastian is such a fake name. That's the name of a fitness instructor that a lonely housewife has an affair with in a romance book with Fabio on the cover.

Four-night stay for two at Golden Door spas - Cost: $6,000 - This is actually a god damn incredible gift. Well, it would be if this was a gift basket you won at some sorta raffle that took place at a Knights of Columbus hall. For any Oscar-caliber actor, this is something you can probably get for free in return for posting about them on social media.

Life coaching session: with holistic healing and wellness expert Kayote Joseph. - Cost: $700 per session - You should be put in a conservatorship if you willingly pay $700 for a shot of Echinacea and St. Johns Wort.

Complimentary project management: on nominees next remodel or ground up project from Maison Construction, a premiere Los Angeles based construction and development company. - Cost: On application - Imagine being at one of those raffles where you win an edible arrangement knowing that other people are winning a house basically? You know what, I'm gonna run a barstool raffle and offer Jersey Jerry as a prize. Not a project managed by him, not a job, just him.

NutriFit experience - Cost: $1,734 (28 day premium plan) - I'm trying to figure out exactly what this is, and I think it is basically a meal prep company done by fancy chefs. Personally, I like my meal prep companies reasonably priced and promoted by Barstool Sports podcasts.

A year's supply of Oxygenetix: An award-winning breathable makeup foundation that has a celebrity cult following. - Cost: $708(12 bottles) - Hollywood x cult followings. What could go wrong! The name of this company sounds like some sort of MLM that your former HS classmate promotes on Facebook.

S. Pellegrino: branded water & wine pairing gift box featuring a 750ml bottle of S.Pellegrino Natural Sparkling Mineral Water and a 750ml bottle of Tolani Al Passo 2018 Chianti Classico - Cost: Exclusive product - How rich do you have to be that you pair wine with water? You can't even be bothered with pairing a wine to a steak! I'm surprised it isn't wine paired with canned air.