I Wish Guys Would Stop Sticking Strange Objects Up Their Dick Holes

It was a case of self-assault and battery.

A Iranian man was forced to go to the emergency room after shoving an AA battery down his penis in a grotesque stunt worthy of the new Discovery+ series “This Came Out Of Me.”

The fiasco came to light after the unnamed 49-year-old reported to a hospital in Tehran, where he informed doctors that he’d had the charging device lodged in his genital for 24 hours, according to a new case study published in the medical journal Urology Case Reports.

Come on, guys. Stop. Batteries??? String?? Hard metal rods?? Why do you want to stick things up your dick so badly? From anything I’ve ever heard, a catheter of any kind is painful and consistently dreaded by anyone who finds themselves in the hospital. So, why are we sticking WHOLE BATTERIES up there? Why are we leaving them in so long that it causes chemical damage??

Meanwhile, subsequent X-rays revealed “‘severe and progressive” scarring to his urethra, which mitigated the amount of fluids that could flow through the tube. Doctors surmised that the scar tissue build-up could’ve been caused by toxic chemicals in the battery.

Look, I know people are into weird shit. The last thing I want to do is kink shame. Coming from someone who has more holes than I know what to do with, I understand feeling like you need to explore yourself. You know what I don’t do? Stick things up my urethra. I just don’t. Never once have I thought “huh, I wonder if anything could fit up there.” Maybe it’s because I’m blessed with a perfect vagina that I can use any time I want? Maybe I take it for granted? Are men just dying to be women?

Thing about that next time you’re trying to stretch out that tiny tube meant only for pee and semen. We all want what we can’t have, but that doesn’t mean we have to try until we end up in the hospital.