If Russia is Looking to Start WWIII Over an American Skater Accidentally Touching One of Theirs, Then Team USA is Ready to Finish It

Koji Aoki. Shutterstock Images.

As anyone who knows me can confirm, I'm a man of peace. "Beat your swords into plowshares," say I. Use your words, not war.

Granted, there are exceptions. That war that ended with Hitler eating a bullet because he heard the mighty bootsteps of my dad and my Uncles Phil and Paul approaching(at least that's the version I was told) was certainly justified. But as a general rule, I prefer my wars limited to the "Pawn," "Parking," "Cake" and "Star" variety. 

But if there's one cause worth risking an all-out war with the Russians over, it's Olympic Figure Skating. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. But if it should, to steal a phrase from their own, Nikita Khrushchev, Team USA will bury you. 

There was an international incident in the Ice Dance warm ups. And gird your loins because this could be the end of life as we know it:

NBC Sports -  Six-minute warmups tend to be a figure skater’s best friend, but on rare occasions they can turn into their worst enemy.

Two of the world’s top ice dance teams – Americans Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue and Russians Viktoria Sinitsina and Nikita Katsalapov – were able to narrowly avoid disaster. …

Sometimes, accidents occur. …

During the Olympic team event this week, Donohue appeared to put his hand on Sinitsina’s backside as the two teams – who ended the rhythm dance in first (U.S.) and second (ROC) – approached each other’s course, with Hubbell/Donohue skating forward and Sinitsina unable to see as she skated backward with partner Katsalapov facing the Americans. …

“That also felt like a touch of fruity language in English from Nikita,” two-time Olympian Johnny Weir added during the slowed replay. … “But you can’t ever show fear out there on an ice dance warmup, it’s all about dominance,” Weir concluded. 

Here's a former NBC employee with the copyright infringed video of the incident:

And someone else with a screencap:

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My hero and inspiration Johnny Weir is, of course, 1000% correct. These things happen, but you can't show fear. Skating - and that includes Ice Dance, is all about establishing dominance. And there's no better time to start than warmups. Russians can smell fear. You have to look that bear in the eye and let it know that it should be more afraid of you than you are of it. 

Needless to say, the Russkies haven't been happy about this. Even though they're technically not even allowed at the Games because they got caught juicing their athletes up worse than Bob Baffert. "ROC," my American ass. Their officials are naturally bellyaching, like they're somehow above reproach and Sinitsina and Katsalapov didn't initiate contact to begin with:

Source - State Duma Deputy Vitaly Milonov reacted to the clash between Russian Victoria Sinitsina and American Zachary Donoghue during the warm-up at the team tournament of the Olympics in Beijing.

“You need to consider that such things happen, but these are not always deliberate actions. In this situation, it’s just extremely impolite, ” [said] Milonov. 

Extremely impolite? Those are some strong words coming from a man who two generations ago would've been bribing referees to steal a gold medal from Team USA Basketball. Who a generation ago would've been training Ivan Drago in a lab and having his goons follow Rocky Balboa around Siberia in a Mercedes. You want "extremely impolite"? Our Ice Dance teams gave it to you. By finishing first in both programs. First, Hubbell and Donohue:

And then Madison Chock and Evan Bates Twizzling all over your Commie asses, Daft Punk style:

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That's a little thing we call Rockin' in the Free World, Ivan. And there's more where that came from. 

If the Russians really wanted to avoid collisions, they'd avoid them. And if they cared about having an Olympics that's fair, their Pairs team wouldn't be coming in first after this fall that came within inches of being surrounded by police tape while CSI team drew an outline around Anastasia Mishina's body:

In spite of all that, the Russians won gold. So they can quit their bitching. The Americans will have their crack at redemption in the individual events, which is all anyone cares about anyway. But in the meantime, stop groping our Ice Dance men's hands with your asses, and there'll be peace in our time. Your move.