The Colts are Trying to Wage Psychological Warfare on the Patriots. Good Luck with That.

Nancy Kerrigan. Getty Images.

Putting aside all the obvious double entendres about whether this anvil is consenting or not, this is apparently a thing at Lucas Oil, I presume? Not so much like throwing out the first pitch as it's meant to get everyone hyped up? Like a cross between that unintentionally hilarious dance that Ray Lewis used to do and piping in crowd noise, which the Colts used to do? So the Colts are going to have Adam Vinatieri do it in order to … what? Psyche the Patriots out? Because he was one of the great players in Patriots history and instrumental in the first three championships and then left to go bring one to Indy? So ipso facto his presence in the stadium with a hammer in his hands will tie the Patriots into emotional knots, make them lose heart, cause panic in the ranks and they'll all drop their weapons and flee into the night? Is that the plan here?

Listen, on some level, I respect Jim Irsay for trying. It's good that this wet-brained, pill-addled lucky spermer had the lucidity to come up with the idea. Good on him. I'm sure if I'm one of those guys in the stands wearing an Andrew Luck jersey (because I'm not ready to invest 100 bucks in a Carson Wentz just yet), I'll get a little pep in my step and cheer a couple of decibels louder over this stunt. Which, just to adult about this, is what this is. 

But what other effect is it supposed to have? Who on the New England sidelines is going to be thrown off by this? Vinatieri, while and indelible part of Patriots and NFL history is, in a football sense, ancient history. The highlights from his greatest kicks are in low def, analog format with a 4:3 aspect ratio. If you want an idea of how much the world has changed since his glory years in Foxboro, just look at who he was kicking footballs to on his February, 2002 appearance on Letterman:

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He left for Indianapolis in 2006. So two seasons before the longest tenured Patriots player Matthew Slater was drafted. Hell, Jerod Mayo wasn't even in the league then, and he's a coaching veteran. Steve Belichick was still five years away from being Greg Schiano's long snapper at Rutgers. And Mac Jones was in third grade. Trying to get a rise out of this roster by carting out Adam Vinatieri is like trying to piss off a Brit by bringing up how Cornwallis fucked up at Yorktown. You'll just get a shrug from all but the most dedicated history buff. 

And if Irsay's goal here is to rub Bill Belichick's nose in Vinatieri, to treat the greatest kicker in history like Peyton Manning's scrotum victimizing a college trainer, he's got another thing coming. First of all, since the day Belichick chose to transition from Vinatieri to Stephen Gostkowski, he has been at total peace with the decision. For the statistical reasons, both regular season:

And postseason:

And also for the fact with Gostkowski, he went to six Super Bowls and won three. The last of which was put away with a Gostkowski 42-yard field goal on 4th & 1. 

But more than anything, Belichick himself has shown more respect to Vinatieri than all the banged anvils in the world ever could:

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“Adam is a great player. He was a great player here and has been a great player for the Colts, great person. He works hard. He certainly doesn’t fit the classic profile for a kicker. He is more of a football player. He’s physically and mentally tough. When he was here, he trained and worked out with all the players. There was no special program for him as a kicker or anything like that. He embraced that. He had a great relationship with his teammates because of the way he worked, how competitive and mentally and physically tough he was and how he was willing to help out in other areas of the team – scout team and things like that. Whatever the team needed he was always great about that.

“He was a clutch, dependable player in his role. So, you can’t ask for much more than that. He has had a fabulous career. Certainly, in my opinion, the greatest kicker in the game.

So again, best of luck trying to throw Belichick off his game or whatever the intent is here. If anything, it's going to backfire. Something he's going to use to his advantage. It'll be part of his pregame talk at the team hotel, I can promise you that. He'll explain how Irsay is trying to mess with his head. Like when the Persian emissary rides into Sparta with a bunch of vanquished kings' skulls hanging on a chain, then talks shit to King Leonidas' queen. And all he bought himself was a trip down a well. You can't intimidate the unintimidatable. Though it'll be fun to see the Colts try. But unless Vinatieri suits up on defense and helps them tackle Rhamondre Stevenson, fat lot of good the stunt will do. Patriots by a million.