This Decorative Display Honoring UT Coach Jeff Banks, His Stripper Girlfriend Pole Assassin, and Their Emotional Support Monkey Wins Christmas: 2021
Michael Thomas. Shutterstock Images.It has not been the easiest of holiday seasons for University of Texas special teams coach Jeff Banks. His Longhorns lost six straight games down the stretch to finish 5-7. The love of his life, legendary Jerry Springer stripper Pole Assassin:
… whom Banks left his family for, ran afoul of the authorities on Halloween when the emotional support monkey they co-parent alledgedly bit a Trick-or-Treater:
Despite Ms. Assassin's protests of her innocence, Banks is being publicly monkey-shamed for the incident, even when the teams he coaches do something that is truly special:
COLD.
And in the last few days these two young lovers found out they are being sued by the parents of the alleged victim:
But it's not all bad news, all the time. If there's one thing that we can believe in about this time of year, it's that just when your situation is at its darkest, something positive will happen to make it brighter. You'll get your Christmas miracle and learn to appreciate all the good in your life. It happened to Ebenezer Scrooge. It happened to George Bailey. It happened to the Grinch and Rudolph and Charlie Brown and Ralphie Parker and Buddy the Elf.
Advertisement
And now, thanks to one creative genius, it's happening to Jeff Banks, Pole Assassin and their primate friend:
Forget "The Great Christmas Light Fight," all those awards for best float in your town parade and even the bragging rights among you and the families on your cul-de-sac for who put up the most ostentatious decorations. The only prize we should be giving out in America this Christmas has to go to the creative genius behind "North Pole Assassin." In fact, I might take down my own pathetic display of window candles and a candy cane light string around the lamp post, because I'm embarrassed to be so far behind this one. It's inspired. It's topical. It's festive and sexy and pays homage to THE story of 2021.
Here's hoping that kid whose parents claim he got bitten is fine and they get their day in court. But at least the tragedy of that Halloween night gave us this. God bless us, everyone.