Happy Fabian Thylmann Day!

Large6/05/2021 1:30 PM

Who is Fabian Thylmann?... Excellent question.

Not many of you will remember this, but right around the turn of this most recent century (the 21st for those who don't know such things), internet pornography was not so readily available.

Sure, you were always able to dig up a quick nudie picture and/or stroke video, but not in the user-friendly way we can today… Not by a long (money)shot.

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The premium online porn websites back then were pay-to-play for the most part, so they were only available to either the wealthy or to those who knew how to steal content from behind paywalls.

Well, that all changed once Fabian Thylmann came along.

Fabian made a boatload of money developing something called next-generation affiliate tracking software (NATS) which enabled websites to track clicks on the attached ad links so they could, in turn, get paid the proper commission from said advertisers.

As soon as Fabian amassed enough dough from NATS, he immediately formed a company called Manwin which bought up as many pay-to-play websites as he could find, and he transformed ALL of them into free platforms that now efficiently gained revenues through ad clicks instead of paywalls.

Manwin systematically bought a host of obscure websites that have since have become household names including…

and…

… among others.

(How many of those have you visited?)

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What I am saying is that Fabian Thylmann is the sole reason we have access to soooo much free online porn today. And for that I say…

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So here’s what I propose… Today, June 5th is Fabian’s birthday, and (I already checked) he doesn’t share it with anyone who is remotely deserving of a National Holiday.

Soft-rock demigod, Kenny G, is also born that day, but his appeal is limited.

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Mark Wahlberg also shares that birthday, but he’s still ducking some racist shit from when he was just a goofy drunk 16-year-old kid who REALLY hated Vietnamese people.

The only celebrity born on that day who is even close to Fabian would be Mexican revolutionary general Pancho Villa (June 5, 1878 – July 20, 1923). But I think racist holidaymakers were reluctant to give Mexicans Cinco de Mayo, so fat chance they give them Cinco de Junio also.

Which leaves room for today to become Fabian Thylmann Day. Not necessarily a day where we all get the day off of work, but certainly a day where we all get free WiFi in bathroom stalls across the nation. A day where the flags fly full mast like an erect penis. And a day where every red-blooded American man, woman, and child (above the age of maybe 12?) can express their right to bear lube.

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I proposed this once before, in 2019, and people scoffed… Then a global pandemic hit and the subsequent quarantine forced everyone's genitals back into the hands of their owners, so I am making another push.

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A push that on this fine Saturday morning, let’s take a break from whatever bullshit we have going on and spend just one minute raising a glass of warm yogurt to toast an innovator who worked so hard just so all of us could jerk so easily.