Brace Yourselves, The Cum Trees Are Coming Back
teeniemarie. Getty Images.Picture this--you wake up in the morning after getting a glorious 8 hours of rest. You take the dog outside for a morning walk. For the 4th day in a row now, you don't have to put on a jacket. It appears as if winter is finally in the rearview mirror and spring has sprung. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, all you can think about is how close you are to some Saturday beers on the beaches of the Jersey Shore.
There are so many wondrous things about spring. You've got the MLB season starting up, you've got The Masters coming up this week, you've got all the hype and anticipation of summer still waiting ahead of you. And just as all the vibes are feeling as high as they possibly could be…
You get smacked in the face by an overbearing scent of male ejaculate. Like that rag in your sock drawer that could stand up on its own right now.
What could it possibly be? Was there a massive orgy in the streets? Did somebody fill a dump truck with loads and then just release it onto the streets? How could it possibly smell like there is that much jizz literally everywhere?
I'll tell you how. It's the Bradford Pear tree. And it's fucking disgusting.
Here you are enjoying your coffee with some beautiful weather on a beautiful morning. And all of that is immediately ruined by the scent of cum running rampant through the streets. And year after year, we just deal with it. Like we have literally just submitted to the idea that for a few weeks every year, it's going to reek of jizz outside. How have we not come up with a plan to eradicate these trees yet? What benefit could they possibly provide that could outweigh the terror they raise during these early months of spring? Let's come up with a pros and cons list real quick.
Pros: I guess these trees add to the ecosystem in some way or another.
Cons: Smell like cum. And not just a little bit. But a lot of it. Like enough to fill up a 64oz bottle of Gatorade.
That's all you need right there. The pros are clearly outweighed by the cons. We need a coordinated strategic effort by city planners all across the nation to get rid of these trees once and for all. We can't keep living like this.