"I Want You Inside Me"- Slaughter Bowls
I was in Frankfurt, Germany on business once.
I landed early evening... Went straight to a restaurant for a client dinner... Went out drinking with those same EXTREMELY racist clients after dinner and until zee wee hours of the morning... Went to my hotel for 2 hours of sleep... Then met an old colleague who now lived in Germany for breakfast before heading back to the airport.
Before we met for breakfast, I informed my buddy I had a screaming headache and upset stomach from the festivities that took place just hours before, so he took me to a spot for the best hangover cure he knew... The Slaughter Bowl.
The Slaughter Bowl was essentially a large ceramic bowl filled with grilled, boiled, and smoked meats & sausages. It came to our sturdy wooden table alongside a small basket of brown bread, a large crock of German mustard, and a huge stein of Pilsner (great breakfast beer, apparently).
(I didn't take many food pics back then, so when I googled "Slaughter Bowl", the Sarge was one of the first things that popped up… Made me happy, TBH.)
When my buddy wasn't looking, I quietly whispered to my meal, "Ich will dich in mir." before tearing into the bowl like I had a tip on a famine and then washing down the beer as if I had just caught word about a loved one dying tragically.
I boarded a flight not long after we finished up, I destroyed an airplane bathroom somewhere over the Atlantic, and I landed on either a Friday or Saturday morning without much fanfare… Took a car to my house, threw up, and went to bed.
And that was it.
It was either 2005 or 2006, so I came back to the US without 50 pictures on my HUGE cell phone. And I really didn't ponder the idea of Slaughter Bowls going forward.
Years later, in 2016, I was in Nashville for the Grand Opening of a friend's hotel… I dusted off my cowboy hat for the occasion and wound up partying with a couple of country western stars until the wee ol' hours of the morning.
I don't have many pictures from that trip either except for this one of me walking back to my suite past a blacked-out drunk.
The next afternoon, my wife and I decided to hit a local bbq place called Peg Leg Porker for lunch. We chose that spot only because it was within walking distance from the brand spankin'-new Westin Hotel.
I was in a post-bourbon haze, so I asked the young lady behind the counter to give me everything she had plus 2 sweet teas and then charge me any amount she wanted.
Minutes later, she delivered to our picnic table a sheet tray lined with butcher paper and piled with chicken, and ribs, and sausages, and pulled pork, and mac&cheese, and coleslaw, and pickles, and baked beans, and pimento cheese with saltines… When my wife wasn't looking I whispered at the tray, "I want y'all inside of me." And for the first time in 10 years, I harkened back to that German Slaughter Bowl.
So that hungover meal at the Peg Leg Porker in Nashville, which was exponentially larger than anything that was on their actual menu, became my Southern Slaughter Bowl.
(Again, I can't find any pictures on my phone from that meal, but this is a stock photo from Peg Leg Porker's website, and, apparently, Pitmaster Carey Bringle is also making his own whiskey nowadays.)
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Well… I was hungover again this week. So much so, I woke up midday on Tuesday and begged my wife to take me someplace for a Slaughter Bowl, and she obliged
So we drove to Hackensack, NJ for some Colombian food because I needed something BIG inside me…
More specifically, we went to Pollos Mario on Main Street.
A number of South American restaurants that I have been to have Slaughter Bowl-like offerings… Perhaps the fine citizens of Colombia find it comforting to sit around a table after a long day of producing cocaine and share a family-style meal with people they love.
I also find that comforting (minus the cocaine), so I was excited to choose which type of Colombian feast I would destroy.
I went with the Picada Mario which was a single plate piled with chicharrrón (which here is a thick slice of deep-fried pork belly), grilled steak & chicken with onions, morcilla (blood sausage), BBQ ribs, rotisserie chicken, chorizo, tostones (twice-fried savory plantains), fried cassava and arepas (cornmeal cakes).
On the side, they served maduros (sweet plantains) and yellow rice.
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Holy shit!
They gave you a carousel with 3 homemade sauces… One was a traditional green hot sauce. The second was a yellow sweet sauce made with passion fruit. And the third was a mayo-based sauce they called "Pink Sauce".
I will tell you simply right now that everything on this plate was very very good.
I think the whole thing cost me 30 bucks, and it was enough food for 3 or 4 regular people.
Plus, it was a BYO, so I brought a couple of big-boy champagnes with me…
Next time I will pay whatever it takes to swap out the grilled steak for the entraña (skirt steak) instead… That is the best cut of meat they serve. After speaking to the waiter (who was a fucking gem of a guy), I tried a little skirt and, even after the food orgy I just attended, I wish I had more.
OH!… I forgot to mention… Before they even brought out dinner, the waiter brought me a bowl of chicken gizzard soup which was absolutely chock-FILLED with chicken gizzards, hearts, and necks…All nestled in an extremely rich (slightly gelatinous) broth.
When the waiter wasn't looking, I whispered to the bowl, "Te quiero dentro de mi."
That tube coming off the top of that corazón is a chicken aorta… And it was fucking delicious. For those who get squeamish at that sort of thing… Grow up.
After dinner, I could not even entertain the idea of dessert, but Pollos Mario also has a small bakery counter near the entrance. This should come as no surprise, but I am a big fan of Columbian baked goods… Particularly the buns they bake with cassava flour and cheese dough… So I picked up a half-dozen pandebonos (also spelled 'pan de bono') that I warmed up in the oven the following morning and dunked into my coffee.
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IN CONCLUSION… Whether you go to Frankfurt, Nashville, or scenic Hackensack, NJ, I think that we should all find a Slaughter Bowl that intimidates us with its look, but eventually, has us whispering, "I want you inside me."
IWYIM.
-Large
FOOD NEWS
There is new research out of THE Ohio State University saying people who put on some weight in their middle-aged years live longer than people who remain ‘trim’ throughout.
I am hoping this research proves to be true, but I have to look a little closer to see exactly which OSU alum came up with this theory…
CALENDAR
Today (Friday, Feb 12th) is Lunar New Year, and in terms of the Chinese zodiac animal, it's the beginning of The Year of the Ox.
Typically, this holiday would be celebrated with Chinatown parades but all celebrations this year have been postponed until the Spring due to COVID concerns… HOWEVER, in the immortal words of William Wallace, “They can take our tiger parades, but they can’t take our dumplings!”
In most Asian cultures, particularly the Chinese, dumplings signify good fortune and wealth as they are shaped like little purses, so if you have a buddy, get him some dim sum and usher in the new year correctly.
Since I have no real hobbies, I tend to pay attention to food holidays even though I know they are bullshit events made up by the people who sell the food that holiday recognizes.
For example, this past Tuesday (Feb 9th) was National Bagel and Lox Day AND also National Pizza Day, so I had an excuse to swallow more carbs than normal, BUT bagels and pizza show up multiple times during the year.
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National Bagel Day is January 15th, National Bagels & Lox Day is February 9th, and National Bagelfest Day is July 26th, so the bagel industry triple-dips on the calendar to spur sales.
Similarly, February 9th is National Pizza Day, BUT September 5th is National Cheese Pizza Day, September 20th is National Pepperoni Pizza, October is National Pizza MONTH, and November 12th is National Pizza With Everything (except anchovies) Day, so those shifty Italians told their Jewish counterparts at the bagel consortium to basically go fuck themselves and grabbed a total of 35 holidays (including the whole month of October) in order to keep their toe-hold on the palates and wallets of fat idiots like me.
If you care to join me as I recognize these bullshit holidays going forward, I will attach a calendar every week… Starting now.
Saturday, Feb 13th- National Tortellini Day
Sunday, Feb 14th- Valentine’s Day (obviously), but also National Cream-Filled Chocolates Day
Monday, Feb 15th- National Gumdrop Day
Tuesday, Feb 16th- National Pancake Day (also “Fat Tuesday” or “Shrove Tuesday”- the Tuesday before Lent)
Wednesday, Feb 17th- National Cafe’ Au Lait Day
Thursday, Feb 18th- National Drink Wine Day
Friday, Feb 19th- National Chocolate Mint Day
Enjoy the week.
-L