The Original 30 Backyard Baseball Kids, Ranked

A few of us were chatting in the office today and MVP Baseball 2005 was brought up in conversation as the "Greatest sports video game ever." I have no beef with that, totally fine assessment. BUT, just hearing about this era of baseball video games sent a warming, nostalgia sensation over my body as the memories of Backyard Baseball started to flood into my prefrontal cortex (brain). I enjoy ranking things, and many of you enjoyed my Pokemon blog I put out last week, so I knew it was time to once again dip the pen in the ranking well and get after it. I take these rankings seriously, so the work you are about to read is the result of a few hours of research.

The criteria:

1. Nostalgia. Do I even remember this kid? Did they carry my beloved Melonheads to the championship? 

2. Skill. Some of these kids fucking sucked at baseball, that's just a fact. If they sucked but were cool looking or brought other intangibles to the table, they are not necessarily doomed to be at the bottom. Also, most of these kids' abilities' just are not too different so this can only mean so much.

3. Pretty much anything else that I feel at the time. 

Let's get into it. 

30. Gretchen Hasselhoff

"Who the hell is Gretchen Hasselhoff?" - Everyone who has ever played this game. Forgettable, an absolute liability on defense and simply won't shut the heck up, living up to her "Jabberjaw" nickname. The only thing her speed and throwing ability are good for is cleaning up her errors in the field and trying to beat out weakly hit grounders. Keep her off my team.

29. Marky Dubois

The man (child) simply refused to wear shoes. Hey, pal, maybe that contributes to the fact that you're slower than a kid who is literally in a wheelchair? (We'll get to that later). He also has a frog in his pocket at all times? Maybe this slick slime harvested from the back of his pet(?) frog helped him throw a spitball-esque pitch that helps boost his pitching stats, but aside from that keep this stinky hillbilly away from me.

28. Reese Worthington

Can't  pitch, can't bat, not slow but not fast and not a liability in the field but also not elite. Also tiny. "Doesn't like running too much." This kid sucks. Putting his lack of effort right out there in the open? Yuck.

27. Sally Dobbs 

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I have the feeling that Sally Dobbs only go the invite because of her cooler younger brother, who is not much better but is still better. Sally has no personality and her nickname "The Boss" is completely unwarranted. You'd think someone born on 11/11 would have some better luck at being interesting or valuable to a squad.

26. Jorge Garcia

You have to respect consistency. Not good at anything, but also not awful at anything. I think if this guy was to pull a Jameis and get his eyes fixed, he'd be a stud. He is, however, adorable and his giant glasses are hilarious. I also respect a guy that wears a tie to play baseball. Kind of a wild move but the man is business.

25. Kenny Kawaguchi 

Okay. I'm just going to state the obvious. Kenny Kawaguchi is in a wheelchair. He seems like a really nice kid, his pitching stats are great, but I have some issues with his other rankings. No one can wheel (especially on dirt) as fast as a normal kid can run. I don't care if his hands are as calloused as Paul Bunyan's and his arms twice as strong, it simply isn't happening. Additionally, regardless of arm strength, this fella is going to roll right off of the mound. If we were rating based on strictly inspiration and heart, we'd be having a very different conversation, but we are not.  

23/24 TIE. Ashley and Sidney Webber

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These two girls lack any sort of identity. Same stats, same visor, same nickname and, hell, identical player bios. Are they useless? No, not by any means. They are tall. Though they are more effective while on the same team, they are absolutely not worth wasing 2/9 of your starting roster on. I feel bad not giving them separate rankings, but the Markieff and Marcus Morris of the Backyard Universe simply didn't earn it.

22. Annie Frazier

Now Annie likes animals and ice cream. She's a real wholesome midwestern kid. Rainbow on the shirt, cap on the head. Her lack of desire to run (despite her speed) and the fact that she reminds me of Gretchen Hasselhoff puts her in in the spot she deserves. 

21. Ronny Dobbs

Ronny Dobbs wasn't afraid to bust out the fit full of pastels, which says a ton about his confidence. Carrying his younger sister on his back to glory, Ronny had an absolute HOSE for an arm and his desire to be seen as a big kid had him rarely embarrassing himself. Maybe the best young prospect in the entire league.

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20. Lisa Crocket

NEEEEEERD. At first glance, one has to assume that Lisa Crocket's "Mad Dog" nickname was meant to be ironic, but at further glance, this may not be the case. Just look at that bio: "No one knows much about Lisa." A woman (child) of mystery, Lisa has sneaky great stats and height. Speed and an arm makes her a starter-caliber fielder.

19. Dmitri Petrovich

NEEEEEEERD. "Paste" feels like a very mean nickname that Dmitri likely didn't come up with himself. He doesn't exactly stuff the stat sheet, but he also doesn't make mistakes and his baseball card collection is very cool. He also keeps a stack of pens on him, so in case someone higher on this list needs a pen to sign some postgame autographs, he is a good guy to have around.

18. Billy Jean Blackwood

Billy Jean Blackwood is a giant. Exact measurements are not available but there is zero chance she stands short of 7-foot-5. That and a cool nickname gets her this spot on the list because goodness gracious she is not good at baseball. She swings a decent bat but the rest of her stats are embarrassingly low.

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17. Kimmy Eckman

Kimmy is so goddamn slow. Like line drive to the fence and still gets thrown out at first base slow. The only chance a tired Kimmy Eckman is even getting on base is if she puts one over the fence, which makes her a liability at the plate…when she isn't pimping homers. Thos boom or bust potential makes me think of Giancarlo Stanton, who is by no means a scrub, but no one is clamoring over the guy anymore except loser Yankee fans.

16. Maria Luna

Maria Luna fills the stat sheet. Bats well, good speed, can catch a ball. Can't throw for shit, however. The latin flair in her theme song is absolute FLAMES and her heart shows clear. Effort is never an issue with Maria Luna. What more can you ask for than that?

15. Amir Khan 

We're getting into the top level kids here. Amir Khan is destined to be cool. He's basically the cooler, better version of Ronny Dobbs (I don't recommend ever really looking at these kids' faces because they almost all of them look the same and it becomes frightening). When paired with his older brother Achmed (he'll be up later) Amir is a must-draft. This is easier to do than, say, the Webber sisters who don't bring enough to the table on their own. 

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14. Angela Delvecchio

Angela Delvecchio was an absolute STUD on the mound. You don't see four baseball grades being thrown willy-nilly for a reason, they are legit. Even more impressive is the fact that she didn't have a strong arm, just a brutally effective one. Hook pitches and slowballs like a prime Tim Wakefield, Angela was worth drafting STRICTLY based on her ability on the mound. Just close your eyes, cross your fingers and say a little prayer one doesn't get hit back to her because it is game over if that happens.

13. Luanne Lui

Luanne Lui didn't let being literally a fucking toddler stop her from getting in the mix. She had ELITE level speed and could throw the ball well. In a game where bunting was incredibly effective, you can look the other way on her batting woes knowing she'd beat most pitches out on the race to first base. Her attachment to her teddy bear was also adorable in all the ways Marky Dubois' with his frog was not.

12. Ernie Steele

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I see how this could be controversial because Ernie is an ELITE fielder. I'm talking prime Torii Hunter out there. The problem? This kid's legs barely functioned better than Mr. Kawaguchi's. His gangly limbs often become tangled and he'd just fall all over himself trying to do anything like a fresh-out-of-the-womb baby deer. Big in spirit, big in limbs, small in coordination. Postscript: His hat placement was just bonkers.

11. Mikey Thomas

Mikey Thomas hit fucking BOMBS. However, his main personality trait was that he was battling some sort of chronic respiratory illness? The kid just lived with a cold 24/7/365. But, again, he hit fucking BOMBS and that alone nearly earned him a spot in the top ten. You can take your time around the bases when you are absolutely blasting dingers on 50% of your plate appearances.

10. Vicki Kawaguchi

Kenny's sister is a dancer at heart and baseball player second. This lack of commitment alone is what is keeping her out of a higher spot, but she more than earned the one she is in. Blistering speed and golden-glove caliber fielding abilities. You can put her at any position on the diamond and forget worrying about her, a huge (and unfamiliar) bonus in these games.

9. Jocinda Smith

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Putting someone with the nickname "MVP" at eight is controversial in appearance only. There may have never been a less-justified nickname in the history of sports. Even in her bio it clearly says "one of" the most valuable players. I will take the proclamation of her having the "best swing in town" with major offense because it is simply not true. Is she good? Yes. Is she the MVP? Absolutely not.

8. Stephanie Morgan

What you get with Stephanie Morgan is consistency, which is exactly what you need from a position that sees as much action as a short stop. Not the best at anything, but also far from the worst in every category. Her theme song is also CHARGE which will get even the least engaged fan off their feet and cheering. Stephanie is your classic backyard baseball player and that is a great thing.

7. Kiesha Phillips

Kiesha Phillips was a marvel on the field. A big gal, she could still run quickly and boy could she hit as well. A good player in the outfield and certainly someone worthy of being on your roster, she just lacked a coolness that the top-6 of this list provides. Absolutely nothing wrong, but simply not enough right. 

6. Ricky Johnson

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If you are someone who was playing a ton of the other Backyard Sports games, Ricky Johnson would almost always be much higher, often on the top-3. He is not nearly as good on the diamond as the court or the pitch, but he is still more than effective. His big smile is great for team chemistry, his nickname of "Fella" is perfect and he isn't afraid to play any position on the field.

5. Dante Robinson

Speed. Fielding. Sick ass afro. Do I need to write more? No. Will I? Absolutely. Dante is another guy you could trust popping in any position, but was best utilized covering a ton of ground in the outfield. His speed made him a menace while bunting, but he could hit well enough anyway to keep defenses guessing. Goddamn Dante Robinson was cool as hell…but there was one guy cooler.

4. Tony Delvecchio

Tony Delvecchio is a child. Tony Delvecchio is smoking. You can pretend it is a lollipop, but it isn't. That is cool as hell. You thought Dante Robinson was the coolest with his skill and afro? WRONG. You go to hangout with your preteen pals and wonder what that unfamiliar smell is? It's Tony D lighting up a blizzy at second base, not a care in the world. He has a cannon for an arm which makes him a great outfielder too. Even without that, he was always a lock for the top-5. He's just too goddamn cool not to. 

3. Pete Wheeler 

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The choice between 3 and 2 was a hard one. You have two cool dudes who can both play their asses off. There is not an area where Pete Wheeler disappoints. He runs like the wind and he can rope the ball. He's cool in the way that he doesn't try to be, but it works. I could sit here for days and try to say something bad about this kid and it just isn't going to happen.

2. Achmed Khan

Big ass headphones always BLASTING the hottest tunes. He wasn't afraid to be a good big brother and bring his younger brother Amir around. He absolutely ROPES the ball and has good speed to compliment it. He was born on 7/11. 

1. Pablo Sanchez

It was always going to be Pablo Sanchez, obviously. A fictional child that was so good his name is still instantly recognizable today. He could hit, run, pitch or field. He can bunt in a home run. He can throw you out at home from the fence. He will almost never, ever commit an error. He was bilingual. Pablo Sanchez isn't just the best Backyard Baseball player ever, he is the greatest baseball player ever, especially over MVP Baseball 2005's Jon Dowd (if you know you know). I could write 1000 words about Pablo and it would not be enough. A god (child) amongst men (children). Give him his respect or move on.