EXCLUSIVE: My Unnamed Source Divulged To Me The Absolute Powerhouse Staff Tony LaRussa Has Lined Up For His White Sox Coaching Staff

I know White Sox Dave is the mayor of Scoop City. I apologize for scooping him on this but when you have a source as bulletproof as mine, you have to go straight to publish with it. Can't dilly-dally and risk getting beat by the Busters and Jeffs of the baseball world. 

"Dante-

I work at the Guaranteed Rate. Can't give you my title because it will expose my identity. Let's just say I'm heavily involved in the park's accessibility. 

Kenny and Jerry had us working around the clock last night making sure the ENTIRE park was ADA Compliant +. That means parking lots, executive offices, and even the dugouts. 

I was the last to leave at 7:15 this morning and did some nosing around. I found the clubhouse chief's notebook with names he has to order for office door and locker placards. 

Here's what they're bringing in. 

You owe me one. Dinner on your at Uproar.

VIVA and Go Sox!"

Assistant Manager - 

Jack McKeon (89)

I really like this call. Jack's only 89 so his best years are still in front of him. He got the monkey off his back early in his career so he's playing with house money. He's just the guy to take all the pressure off Tony and the boys in the clubhouse with an off-color joke or a celebratory Dominican Cigar. Great hire.

Bench Coach - 

Jim Fergosi (Deceased)

Fregosi actually passed away in 2014 but that won't stop Jerry from bring him aboard. As White Sox/Bulls fans love to remind everybody "Jerry is loyal to a fault". Only right that applies in the afterlife as well no? 

(Fun fact - Fregosi was actually brought on to manage the White Sox in 1986 to replace guess who? Tony LaRussa.)

Hitting Coach - 

Ted Williams' Head 

Every Boston sports fan knows this story but for the rest of you that don't, long story short, Ted Williams had a real piece of shit son. He whored his ailing father out as much as he possibly could in his twilight years. To the point in the '99 All Star Game at Fenway when Teddy Ballgame came out on the golf cart to greet Nomar and the AL Squad (and snub Jeter) he was donning a bootleg "hitter.net" hat and not a Red Sox hat… Well when his dad finally died, John Henry (the piece of shit kid, not the piece of shit owner) had his father's head cut off and frozen in liquid nitrogen. Not joking. He then had them stored in a facility in Arizona in hopes that one day they will be brought back to life. No bullshit. (I need to do a blog on this one day)

Regardless, if you have the chance to have the greatest hitter who ever lived as your batting coach you take seize that opportunity every single time. 

Bodyless or not, The Splendid Splinter could still rake for .350 minimum in today's game. And if I have a crop of raw talented studs like the White Sox do, who do I want molding them and their habits at the plate? Teddy Ballgame('s head) that's who.

(Fun Fact - did you know Ted Williams was the first Mexican American inducted into the Hall Of Fame?)

Pitching Coact - 

Eddie Harris

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Solid, dependable. Walked the walk didn't just talk the talk. Takes no shit. Just the kind of guy you need to reel in some of these young guns like Kopech (if he ever actually plays) and demand their respect. Another brilliant hire. 

Third Base Coach -

Connie Mack (Ashes)

Connie Mack was cremated a long time ago but that doesn't mean his ashes can't be scattered in the third base coach's box. Since the game passing people by is irrelevant, why not add one of the pioneers of the sport and coaching profession to your squad?

Strength And Conditioning Coach - 

Jack LaLanne (Deceased 2009)

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Again, just getting back to basics here. Have a fitness position to fill? Who invented it? The Godfather of Fitness Jack LaLanne that's who. Hire him before somebody else does.

(Fun fact - did you know that on Jack LaLanne's 70th birthday he swam pulling 70 boats behind him? No joke.)

Team Psychologist - 

The Shrink From The Natural

Team Doctor -

Moonlight Graham

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The White Sox connection is already there. What a no brainer by Jerry. 

New Grounds Keeper -

Roy Rogers Horse Trigger

Big dollars and cents cost cutting move here by Jerry and I love it. Did you know that back in the old days in England/Scotland they used to put sheep out on the soccer fields (pitch) to eat the grass and keep it short? Same strategy here. 

"We've also been told, under strict confidentiality that all home games will now be moved to 1:20 start times in order to facilitate staff meeting early bird special dinner requirements. There will also be a fish fry and bingo on every home Friday post-game. Will keep you posted as I hear more."

- xxxxxxxxx

So there you have it. 

I haven't seen a group of individuals this strong come together like this since Avengers End Game. 

I thought for sure, the obvious move was bringing Ozzie back into the fold. It just seemed perfect timing and the perfect fit. Kenny isn't as hands-on anymore, so you don't need to worry about his ego clashing with Ozzie's decision making. Ozzie is the Latino whisperer and there's nobody on the planet that can get on the same level of and relate to third world kids thrust into the spotlight on one of the biggest stages on the planet better than Ozwaldo Guillen Sr. And he's just the man. 

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But I feel like the guy from the Jets draft video. "Everybody said if Ozzie was gonna be around at that time they'd take Ozzie… Obviously the White Sox knpw something that the people up here don't." 

Can't wait for spring training to kick off. 

p.s. - all jokes aside, do people remember Tony LaRussa baseball? Brutal fucking video "game"

p.p.s. - here were some of the better takes I found on the twitter

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h/t squeezers