Mom Genes: A Pregnancy Update
The day began at a peak as I spent the morning with Michael Strahan acquiring a fitted suit (video coming next month). It ended in a valley (two valleys in fact) as I stood in an HQ bathroom noticing something terrible about yet another pair of my non-fitted *maternity jeans (*nitty j's): BIG-TIME camel toe.
There's pain in those eyes.
Now, I swear to you those double-droops are not my actual vagina & are just loose, hollow folds of weird jeans! (Is that the saddest, grossest sentence I've ever written? Maybe.) It's true though, it's just the way all my maternity pants keep creasing at the crotch. :: sigh :: I knew the comfort was too good to be true & had to come at a cost.
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At first, especially if you're still hiding it, you try to hold on to your normal jeans as long as you can. You pack yourself in tighter than a boxed, emergency inflatable raft, then you attach hair ties to the buttons to give more stretch, and soon you give up and wear them completely unbuttoned/half unzipped with long hoodies over top, hoping the fellas in the production booth don't notice your gut hanging out as you lean back in the chair during your radio show. (Sorry Zah & Avery.)
Why all the squeezing & shapeshifting? For me it was to avoid maternity clothes at all costs. It sucks enough that they're expensive but it's even more annoying knowing you have to buy a whole new wardrobe for just a few months. What a racket! I'd find a way around it. Plus this looked ridiculous to me & I was in denial that I'd ever get to this point:
Funny how your attitude changes when you gain 25lbs in a month, though.
Shit started getting real desperate back around week 16/40. I'd struggle into some flimsy, old K-Mart yoga pants & wear them to work in great discomfort, not to mention them being stretched so thin you could see my entire pair of mega Hanes beneath. It was becoming a possible HR issue. It was time to stop fighting.
Thankfully my Mom was kind enough to get the ball rolling by treating me to my first few pairs (#GrandmaPride) and my goodness… It was like sliding a giant circus tent over a pre-existing circus, but what a game changer. It reminded me of college days when I spent months rolling my eyes at all the girls wearing fuzzy Ugg boots, but when I finally slid my own feet into a pair… Incredible. Heaven. Pure joy. This was no different.
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I finally felt good enough to announce it openly to all.
Do I feel cool? No. That's still impossible in these suckers (and if you're me in general). But thanks to my first pair of mom jeans I have officially replaced Dana B. to win the top stop as the biggest pussy at Barstool. So I have that going for me, which is nice.
Anyways, as of today I'm right around the halfway point (20/40) and I've loved getting messages from Stoolies who are pregnant, too, (or whose wives/partners are going through it). I'm one of those 'misery/awkwardness loves company' types & it genuinely makes me feel better to know I'm not alone as my body (and subsequently, outfits) go through all sorts of strange changes:
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As I get further into the 2nd trimester the worst of the first is gone, though there's still some heartburn, uncontrollable ugly-crying and, TMI, but I'd give anything to take a dump. Nobody told me that would be a thing. It's very much a thing. Then on the days when everything feels pretty good I start to panic thinking that means something must be wrong, so I start shifting & poking around on my stomach hoping for some sort of sign. I've seen what some of my loved ones have gone through & feel lucky to get this far & am not taking anything for granted.
Fun fact: Going off the ultrasounds the kid's got a howitzer (that's normal to say, right?) and this week he's about the size of a hot dog. His bones are starting to harden and, much to my delight, I can feel him jabbing around in there from time to time, probably in revolt to me inflicting my poor taste on him.
Speaking of, behold the latest craving: Krasdale cheese slices flopped onto ranch dusted Wheat Thins dunked in pepper hummus. Sorry lil' buddy.
There's an appointment coming up soon where I'll get to see what he's up to in there again & this time they're "going in with the wand". I'm assuming there's at least Red Lobster in the waiting room first and am sure I can't be shamed for having one quick cigarette puff after. Good times.
As things progress I'll be popping in with updates & if any of this resonates feel free to hit me up in the Insta DMs. Some of the advice folks have been sending has been seriously helpful & my mullet-ed partner & I appreciate it. (Turns out there's a vacuum powered booger sucker so you don't have to suck your baby's boogers out of their nose yourself?! Thanks for sending, good to kno… Wait… Parents have to… suck boogers out of their baby's noses? Wha? I…)..
We got this.