Bad News: We're Facing A Prosecco Shortage Because People Drink Too Much Of It And The World Of Bottomless Brunch Just Got A Little Bleaker

Buzzfeed – “Last year’s harvest was very poor, and down by up to 50% in some parts,” Roberto Cremonese, export manager of popular prosecco brand Bisol, told European trade publication The Drinks Business this week.

Prosecco is traditionally grown in the Conegliano and Valdobbiadene regions of northern Italy, labeled “DOC” regions to guarantee the quality of the product. This season, the weather gods bombarded this specific region with endless rain, flooding the precious prosecco grapes and potentially ruining bubbly summer cocktails for everyone.

Because the demand for prosecco has reached record highs, the merchants (or “négociants” if you’re a wine snob) are slowly releasing the product to jack up prices, Cremonese said.

We won’t know for sure how dire the situation is until brokers release their stock in August, Italy 24 reported.

In recent years, I’ve grown to understand that brunch isn’t as universal of a thing as it is in NYC or LA or other big cities and some of you may read this blog and go “LOL BRUNCH HOW ABOUT I JUST HAVE A BURGER AND SOME COLD AMERICAN DOMESTIC LAGERS BECAUSE I’M SUCH A MAN” and that’s fine, sophistication and elegance isn’t for everyone. But if you’re a regular bottomless brunch consumer like the entirety of NYC, this is like staring down the barrel of a gun. The prosecco industry is built around one thing: Drinking it to excess unlike any other binge drinking alcohol out there, primarily for the brunch industry. You can only have so many bloodies before you want to vomit up pulpy tomato entrails. But prosecco with orange juice or peach or straight? It could go on forever without a care in the world until you’re blind drunk. And yet prosecco’s greatest strength might be its downfall. It’s poetic in a way.

But more importantly, let’s use this as an opportunity to celebrate brunch for the people out there who don’t “get it,” really a mission to save them from themselves. If you’re not actively all about the brunch game, you’re an idiot for a variety of reasons:

1) Breakfast is scientifically the most delicious meal of the day but people who go out of their way to eat a full breakfast daily like a kid in a Frosted Flakes commercial are sociopaths. Making breakfast acceptable to eat past 11am AND pairing it with alcohol is nothing short of genius and anyone going “Brunch is for gayballs” are the same kind of people who thought the world was flat in the 1400s.

2) Brunch is arguably the sexiest meal of all because day drinking is such a curveball that chicks aren’t scientifically able to defend from. You go on a night date during a week and the specter of it being a work night or her just being lame might cap you at a few drinks unless you’ve got enough game to overcome. But brunch into day drinking is what veterans do. The day just keeps going, maybe bleeds into a night, boom you’ve got yourself a high value and delicious date that is way more likely to end in banging than you’d think. And because it’s daytime, it feels much less like a bad decision in the making for everyone involved. The healing powers of brunch.

3) If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Most guys’ biggest failures come from not being able to speak women’s language. Not that you need to watch shitty Bravo reality TV or enjoy discussing peers’ fat ankles but you need to use emojis and keep up with pop culture. And brunch is a huge asset in the war for female hearts and minds. Girls from several generations now saw Sex and the City and thought, “Wow! Me too!” and if it’s an important part of their lives, it should be a tool in your arsenal too. Brunch isn’t about macho pride; it’s about getting drunk over decent quality Eggs Benedict or steak & eggs (any other non-ethnic meal choices do not meet Spags approval) in the hopes of getting on the road to getting it in before the sun sets. A land of opportunity.

Bottom line: I may not be passionate about taxation or human rights across the globe or anything with real positive impact on people’s lives. But I care about binge drinking over egg dishes. Let’s get our finest scientists on the case. Save prosecco, embrace the meal between breakfast and lunch. #brunchlivesmatter

(Wasteful harlots completely unaware of a prosecco shortage photo by Shutterstock)