How to Spend Your Next Stimulus Check

Nick5/24/2020 4:06 PM

Last month, I was completely blindsided when I checked my online banking to see a total of $1,234.60 in my account. For a split second I thought I was blessed with some sort of clerical error, giving me an extra twelve hundred dollars, before realizing that my stimulus check hit. I was overjoyed, yet overwhelmed, as I have never had this much spending money before. That joy soon turned to panic, because I didn't know what to spend all of this newfound cash on. As a result, I ended up taking the cowards way out and paying off my credit card debt.

Never again will I be so irresponsible.

With sources saying to expect another Gover and 2 Benjamins hitting your account within the next couple of months, I, and many others, need a spending gameplan prior, never to be overwhelmed with an influx of cash again. The following will be a to-the-dollar, strict guide on what to buy with this free money, using the very reputable e-commerce site, and Los Angeles Lakers sponsor, and home of a vast collection of blatantly counterfeit products, Wish.com.

Let's get shopping.

Starting Money: $1200

Manbird Extra Sensation Thickening and Stamina Cream (Powerful supreme edition) : $33

As a man who wants to triumph over self, I couldn't say no to the Manbird cream, especially after seeing it covers all three bases of Roughening!, Increases!, and Hardening!. There is no shame in wanting a thincker and more durable penis to "help bob". Take it from real person Lori, who thinks this product is "Cool too".

Remaining Money: $1167

It's You and Me Against the World Baby 3 Piece Set (King) : $60

Ditching the immature solid colored comforter, this inspirational duvet comes with a pillowcase for me (an asshole) and my wife (the best bitch). If you think this is tacky, why don't you ask uncompromising wish commenter Lori, then think again.

Remaining Money: $1107

Lakers Full Jersey (Completely Blank) : $22

The last jersey I paid a premium for was a gray Pittsburgh Pirates Pokey Reese in 2003, only to be devastated the following year when he left the team. Never again will I make that mistake, only purchasing blank jerseys. With such a low price point, I can look past the possibility if my cloth has thrums.

Remaining Money: $1085

Sport Fashion Sneakers (2 Pairs) : $120

With this influx of cheddar, what better time to become a sneakerhead. And with my favorite apparel phrases of "Just So So" and "Sport Rage" printed right on the shoe made this purchase a no brainer.

Remaining Money: $965

Correll Buckhalter Signed Card (Mint) : $60

They say a house isn't a home until you have the autograph of a former NFL running back that totaled nearly 3,000 career yards.

Remaining Money: $905

Unique Collectable Coin (Complete Set) : $200

Unfortunately my parents are still together, but if/when they divorce and my dad remarries, I will have a proven perfect gift for my new stepmom, assuming she's a fan of Kangaroos and Queen, Pop Dance King, Rock roll, or even giraffe.

Remaining Money: $705

Mallard Duck Statue (Mighty) : $320

I've never seen happiness like this boys face on a giant duck statue. Will it work for me? It's certainly worth a try.

Remaining Money: $385

Useful Personal USB Rechargeable Cup (Balanitis Red) : $210

This one I was unsure on, with such a steep price, what made this any different than any of the hundreds of personal male cups on wish. But then it hit me, it has

1. Smart Rotating

2. 24 Lick Sucking

3. 4D Parcel

4. Intelligent Sound

The addition of a 4d parcel is a great touch but it still isn't enough to get me to pull the trigger. I needed proof that this technology was the most advanced in the field.

Seeing that it had the patented Smart chip had my cursor hovering above the Buy button. I was close. Just a quick review from Cletus, the Fox Football robot was all the persuading I needed.