What Does YOUR Movie Look Like? (Bonus 'That's My Boy 2' Script)

DIRECTOR

I got M. Night Shyamalan, which is uhhhhhh not great. Nobody is denying his early success, but I've hated every movie he has made over the past two decades with the lone exception of 'Split'. 

STAR

I got Adam Sandler here, which is a huge redemption for my last draw. He is fresh off of 'Uncut Gems' where he not only put on an incredible acting performance, but also did the freak nasty with Julia Fox. 

CO-STAR

I got Andy Samberg and just like that I'm looking at 'That's My Boy 2'! This is huge, especially considering I think I could write this entire movie myself in, like, a week.

GENRE

Drama. Oh boy. I'm not sure how I'm going to swing this one, but let's give it a try. 

THAT'S MY BOY TOO

Han Solo Berger (Samberg) has settled down with Brie (Ciara) in Braintree, MA where they are preparing for the birth of their baby. Donny Berger (Sandler) is currently living in their guest bedroom, as he used his leftover money from his winning Boston Marathon bet to co-open a bar with Donnie Wahlberg in downtown Boston called Whal-Bergers Bar & Grill. There, he met and fell in love with Olivia (Melissa McCarthy) who is the bartender. She is very abusive to Donny, frequently mocking him in public for his "stink cawk", but Donny insists that it's just foreplay for them. 

Whal-bergers is in trouble, mostly because Olivia keeps taking off and stealing money from the bar while Donny covers for her because he doesn't want to lose her. Han desperately wants Donny out of the house, so he tries to find dirt on Olivia to convince Donny to leave and fire her. While investigating, he discovers Olivia using Donny's card to buy scratch offs, forging his signature to co-sign a lease for a Kia Soul, and also cheating on him with local radio host Michael Felger. Han confronts Donny with the evidence, but Donny says he does not care because Olivia is his true love. Frustrated, Han mentions in passing that the only activity she did that didn't exploit him was attending a Luke Voit meet-and-greet. This revolts Donny, who realized he needs to dump and fire Olivia.

They both confront Olivia at the bar and attempt to fire her. Olivia reveals that she had a clause in her contract (Which she made Donny sign while he was drunk) which states if she is fired, she is instantly granted her Donny's full stake in the bar. Han and Donny need to find someone who can discover a loophole in the contract, and Donny has just the guy for the job. They take a trip to see O.J. Simpson in Buffalo, NY [Simpson's first theatrical role since 'Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult']. Simpson says he will help them if they can steal some sports memorabilia he sold to a nearby pawn shop. Han and Donny agree, and decide Donny will steal the merch and Han will be the getaway driver. During the heist, Han gets the call that Brie is going into labor with their child. He speeds off, leaving Donny high-and-dry. He is arrested and put in jail.

Han comes back and bails Donny out, and while Donny is furious at first, he doesn't care after being introduced to his newborn grandson, Luke. Han and Donny reconcile, and while talking to their actual lawyer, which hadn't occurred to them previously, they realize that they can fire Olivia by signing over all Donny's shares to Han. The lawyer tells them that since Han is liable for the heist, that they should actually put the shares in a trust for Luke, and then take them out later. They sign over the shares, then confront and fire Olivia. She is cocky, reasserting the clause in the contract. Han and Donny then dramatically reveal that the shares were signed over to Luke, meaning she is out of cards to play.. In a last-ditch effort to turn the two against each other, Olivia then reveals that Donny admitted to her that he was the actual father of Luke.

Advertisement

Han is furious, but Donny insists that he never said that to Olivia. He does admit that he cannot account for his whereabouts 9 months ago, as it coincides with the release of Bud Light Platinum Extra Tallboys. He jokes to the baby "Luke, I am your father", which enrages Han even more since that is not even the actual line. They fight each other, and when they are finally separated Han tells Donny that he will not sign over the shares to Whal-Bergers in Luke's trust back over to him. Donny says that he doesn't need Han to do it, since only the biological father of Luke could withdraw the shares from the trust anyway. Brie arrives and is immediately confronted by the two, demanding to know who the actual father is. Brie says it is obviously not Donny, as they have never had sex. Han is relieved, but Brie reveals that Han is also not the father. Han and Donny demand to know who it is, when all of the sudden a foreign pulls up to the restaurant blaring 'March Madness'. Out of it, steps rapper, singer, songwriter, and record producer FUTURE. Cut to black.

Post Credit scene: It's revealed that everyone was dead the whole time, and that everything took place in a snowglobe or something.