Does Washing Your Hands With Cheddar Cheese Kill Corona?
It's safe to say, with the recent attention to germs, we've all become a little hand soap crazy in the last few weeks. I remember things used to be so simple. Without even a thought, I would simply buy the cheapest soap for the bathroom counter and move on.
But now... things are just different. I recently had guests stay over (pre lockdown) that were so adamant that I have a certain type of antibacterial liquid soap that they went and bought three bottles for my place as a "hostess gift"... the night they arrived. This was at midnight. Paranoid much? To clarify, they did not approve of the soap options I had in my bathroom one bit.
Now that we're all washing our hands...hundreds of times a day, that takes a toll on the skin. I've been doing a little parched hand research and it seems like natural bar soap (infused with shea butter) might be the solution to my ashy, mangled fingers.
The only issue with this type of soap is that my eye sight's not great and I'm easily confused at night. So what if, and stay with me here, I reached for my bar of Crabtree & Evelyn Pear & Pink Magnolia but accidentally grabbed something else? Maybe something like, I don't know, a hunk of parmesan or sharp cheddar cheese?
No chance that's a possibility. No one could be that oblivious.
Enter Miley, a woman from Vancouver, Washington. Can I just say, before we get into the details of this little calamity, how much I HATE Vancouver, Washington?
As a Portland native, I became well acquainted with Vantucky or The Couv' as we called it. It was just a 5-minute drive across the border. And once you crossed, let's just say shit got weird over there. If there was one area of the country I would want to wall off and prevent any comings and goings, it would DEFINITELY be THE COUV. Remember that crazy-ass figure skater Tanya Harding who orchestrated an attack on her fellow U.S. skating rival Nancy Kerrigan??? Wikipedia says she's from Portland... But that's a bald-faced lie. She is from Vantucky.
But don't just blindly trust me, place your faith in the Urban Dictionary.
So it does not surprise me ONE bit that a woman from Vantucky, Washington would mistake CHEESE for her SOAP.
Miley took to Reddit to out herself (like an idiot) about this recent mixup.
"Just realised my soap wasn’t working because it’s literally a block of cheese,” she wrote.
“I use a liquid soap for the dishes, bar soap like this is gentler on my hands after I do chores if that makes any sense [sic].”
“It was a couple days of 'Why isn’t this foaming?!'
"I come to realise it was a dried-out square of Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese.
“I suspect I left it out when I was intoxicated and just forgot.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This woman, in the daytime, was using Tillamook Cheddar cheese (underrated brand btw) to wash her hands and didn't realize that it wasn't soap. For DAYS?!?! DAYS?!!
HO-LEE-SHIT.
If there is one thing that this virus is doing, it's illuminating how insanely stupid people are. Everyday its something new and more... moronic.
But to be fair, I'm sure there's a plethora of dumb shit going down right now in the cesspool that is The Couv'. Maybe, Miley (her name would have to be Miley), should tell all her Vantucky friends to join Reddit... because I'm ITCHING for more things to write about and it might be a while before we get back to normalcy.
But knowing the area like I do, I suspect ol' Miley was not being completely honest. From what I understand, the smell of cheese is an aphrodisiac in the Couv', so maybe she was just trying to get her swerve on. Got to love a nice "How Miley Got Her Gruyere Back story".